Do you think that karma exists? Is there really a supernatural or cosmic balancing scale that evens out the good and bad choices we make in life?
I really don't know about karma, but it certainly feels like it exists sometimes. Though, overall, I think there are too many examples of too many evil people getting away with their crimes their entire lives to believe in it. Yet, I suppose if I was getting on-board with karma, those evil doers would come back as cockroaches and get their just returns in their next life.
Anyway, this post really isn't about whether I believe in karma. It's more about my going through a time of comeuppance lately. I made some very selfish decisions last year from July to December and in December I was called out on my self-serving ways by a person who is no longer my friend. It was fair on her part to ditch me. I don't begrudge her anything. I do miss being friends with her and I wish I had never hurt her more than anything.
I have always recognized that I'm a self-centered person and a judgmental one too. I want people to agree with me and I can be pretty harsh toward people who don't view the world the same way I do. It's strange. Some things I know I see as too black and white when I should see a spectrum from one to the other. Then other things I see too many shades of gray where there should only be two colors and a clear line between them. I think the stress I'm going through lately is what I deserve for the choices I made. And the worst part is that I don't regret ALL of my choices, even though I should, I only regret the choice I was called out on. Well, and one other one. But that was more out of embarrassment for being an idiot than anything else.
What does that say about me if I can live with myself like this? I think it says that I'm selfish and I don't always feel guilty when I make certain types of choices. I made three bad decisions last year and even though they were equally self serving, I would only take back two of them. Wow. It's weird to admit that to myself even.
Here's what I'm trying to take away from last year in combination with how I've been feeling lately... It's not worth it to be selfish. I need to realize that it's not fair to the people who you love and care about to choose to act based on what you want and not based on what the right thing is. This well-deserved "karma" I'm dealing with is just a reminder that I really do need to make better choices.
Besides, next time my karma might be a lot worse than feeling stressed...
Showing posts with label Moving On. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moving On. Show all posts
Monday, February 13, 2012
Monday, May 11, 2009
Moving on with the past in tow
I'm not really sure how to put this, but I've been thinking about my ex a lot. No, not in a "I wish we were still together" or "I miss him" kind of way, but more in a regretful, pondering kind of way. It's really odd and I'm not sure quite what I think of it.
As you (assuming you've read other posts in my blog) know, the "artist ex boyfriend" and I have long had lingering attraction, distraction, etc., and I've gone back to thinking about him or talking to him or being with him many times. Thankfully, I've finally moved past that phase in my life and can actually email with him without it ever being inappropriate or without me wishing that we had something more.
But with the most recent ex, it's odd. I mean, we never had crazy, intense passion. We never had a big explosive relationship. We spent 8 months together, mostly hanging out at home, drinking with his friends, and generally being low key. Then, his insecurities drove me away and I dumped him last May... (and hooked up with computer programmer guy, but that is another issue) Yet, all last summer, we were occasionally hooking up and still talking about possibly getting back together. Then, we did, for a month, until I realized (again) that it wasn't going to work out. Then, for the past few months, aka ever since he over shared his feelings of regret via text/found out I had a boyfriend (about whom I'll blog on a later date), he hasn't spoken to me.
I don't know. Even though he was probably the least "attractive" guy I dated, the least driven, the least active, there was a connection there that I simply cannot explain. And now that we don't talk, I don't want to be with him but I kind of want to know that he's doing ok. I kind of miss his funny emails and wish we were on better terms. It's like, I wish I could sit down with him in person and just say, "I'm sorry I treated you badly over the last few months we were involved, and I want you to know that I value you as a person and our time together DID mean something to me." I feel like it's too weird to email him that message because I (in no way) want him to think that I want to date him or that I want something from him. And so, I can't quite get it out of the back of my mind.
Does that even make sense?
As you (assuming you've read other posts in my blog) know, the "artist ex boyfriend" and I have long had lingering attraction, distraction, etc., and I've gone back to thinking about him or talking to him or being with him many times. Thankfully, I've finally moved past that phase in my life and can actually email with him without it ever being inappropriate or without me wishing that we had something more.
But with the most recent ex, it's odd. I mean, we never had crazy, intense passion. We never had a big explosive relationship. We spent 8 months together, mostly hanging out at home, drinking with his friends, and generally being low key. Then, his insecurities drove me away and I dumped him last May... (and hooked up with computer programmer guy, but that is another issue) Yet, all last summer, we were occasionally hooking up and still talking about possibly getting back together. Then, we did, for a month, until I realized (again) that it wasn't going to work out. Then, for the past few months, aka ever since he over shared his feelings of regret via text/found out I had a boyfriend (about whom I'll blog on a later date), he hasn't spoken to me.
I don't know. Even though he was probably the least "attractive" guy I dated, the least driven, the least active, there was a connection there that I simply cannot explain. And now that we don't talk, I don't want to be with him but I kind of want to know that he's doing ok. I kind of miss his funny emails and wish we were on better terms. It's like, I wish I could sit down with him in person and just say, "I'm sorry I treated you badly over the last few months we were involved, and I want you to know that I value you as a person and our time together DID mean something to me." I feel like it's too weird to email him that message because I (in no way) want him to think that I want to date him or that I want something from him. And so, I can't quite get it out of the back of my mind.
Does that even make sense?
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Letter I Don't Need to Send
Dear [Name Here]:
I feel that you need to know some of the issues that are frustrating and confusing me…
First, the most upsetting is the subtle reminder (from her very existence) that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘worth enough’ to be with you when it came down to it. I mean, it’s hard to see a person you loved more than anyone else who is willing to live with, change for, adapt to, etc., another woman. It’s so confusing because you say that there’s no passion, that your relationship is depressing or boring, but then, you picked that relationship over ours. I knooooow that we fought a lot, and I knoooow that we didn’t have the same outlook on life/relationships, but I wish that I could have felt like you wanted to be with me more than you cared about those things. I know I certainly did, which is why I broke it off – I knew that I would get my heart broken (again) when you decided that you didn’t want to put in any more effort or the relationship would require long-term commitment. It’s just so depressing to see her picture on your iPod, to know that she lives with you, to know that you’re gone traveling with her, and that I can only talk to you when she’s not around.
Second, and similarly, it’s extremely confusing to me when you say that you find me “inspiring” and “exciting” yet none of those things were compelling “enough” in the past to make me worth it. It hurts to think about it because the contrast in the way that I matter to you and you matter to me is clear. Why am I only exciting enough to sneak around to see, but not to try to pursue, to really try to win and keep so that that ‘excitement’ is always in your life? It makes me feel like I’m only a thrill when it’s a secret, and being a secret doesn’t make me feel worthwhile or special. I know that the thrill of the chase is something we both enjoy, but at the same time, we have too much history for me to feel like that is enough. We have too many memories, emotions, etc., for that to represent what we should mean to each other. It makes me feel like the second best choice. Somedays, I want to just bang my head on a desk for hours on end to escape the “why, why, why?!” feeling that this whole thing gives me.
Third, on that note, my emotions are constantly haywire. One minute, I’m all interested and inspired intellectually by our conversations. The next minute, I want to throw caution into the wind and jump you to have crazy, passionate sex. Then, I think that I never want to sleep with you again because it would degrade everything we ever had. Then, I want to be in love with you again and want you to love me, and us to be together, but then I don’t want either of those things. Then, I think that I’m fine with it all and should be calm because there’s nothing wrong with us being ‘just friends’. And then, I realize that we aren’t ‘just friends’ or you wouldn’t keep it secret from your girlfriend and tell me that I’m your inspiration. And the cycle continues.
Fourth, with that all going on in my brain, I start to think that I should just back out because I'm worth more than being your second option, your excitement. That I should distance myself from you and make a fresh start, get a clean slate. That maybe I should really, actually cut ties with you because you are never, ever going to value me in a way that reflects what I am actually worth. I remind myself that I am everything a man could want in a partner and it doesn't matter that it wasn't the right fit between us. Yet, I wish you could see how it is, and there's that little hope that you will, so I don't completely back away. Then, I think the same thing as above, "well, it's fine because we should be able to be just friends." But I worry that I can't be just friends and so, I try to move out of regular conversation, hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then I end up here.
In the end, it comes down to me not wanting to admit that I’m confused because I’m too afraid that you will make me feel rejected again, and me not wanting to admit that I have mixed feelings for fear that you don’t, and me just wanting to know WHY I wasn’t picked and why I can’t get over THAT very thing.
Even as I write this, I think about how I could tell you all of this without feeling like the fool because even as I say all of these confused words, so many scenarios flow through my head...
I want the outcome to be me realizing this isn't worth my pain and walking away before you have the chance to respond
I want the outcome to be you taking me in your arms and kissing every part of my body
I want the outcome to be that I realize before we ever talk that I'm really fine with everything and I'm over thinking it and this message never needs to be shared.
I feel that you need to know some of the issues that are frustrating and confusing me…
First, the most upsetting is the subtle reminder (from her very existence) that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘worth enough’ to be with you when it came down to it. I mean, it’s hard to see a person you loved more than anyone else who is willing to live with, change for, adapt to, etc., another woman. It’s so confusing because you say that there’s no passion, that your relationship is depressing or boring, but then, you picked that relationship over ours. I knooooow that we fought a lot, and I knoooow that we didn’t have the same outlook on life/relationships, but I wish that I could have felt like you wanted to be with me more than you cared about those things. I know I certainly did, which is why I broke it off – I knew that I would get my heart broken (again) when you decided that you didn’t want to put in any more effort or the relationship would require long-term commitment. It’s just so depressing to see her picture on your iPod, to know that she lives with you, to know that you’re gone traveling with her, and that I can only talk to you when she’s not around.
Second, and similarly, it’s extremely confusing to me when you say that you find me “inspiring” and “exciting” yet none of those things were compelling “enough” in the past to make me worth it. It hurts to think about it because the contrast in the way that I matter to you and you matter to me is clear. Why am I only exciting enough to sneak around to see, but not to try to pursue, to really try to win and keep so that that ‘excitement’ is always in your life? It makes me feel like I’m only a thrill when it’s a secret, and being a secret doesn’t make me feel worthwhile or special. I know that the thrill of the chase is something we both enjoy, but at the same time, we have too much history for me to feel like that is enough. We have too many memories, emotions, etc., for that to represent what we should mean to each other. It makes me feel like the second best choice. Somedays, I want to just bang my head on a desk for hours on end to escape the “why, why, why?!” feeling that this whole thing gives me.
Third, on that note, my emotions are constantly haywire. One minute, I’m all interested and inspired intellectually by our conversations. The next minute, I want to throw caution into the wind and jump you to have crazy, passionate sex. Then, I think that I never want to sleep with you again because it would degrade everything we ever had. Then, I want to be in love with you again and want you to love me, and us to be together, but then I don’t want either of those things. Then, I think that I’m fine with it all and should be calm because there’s nothing wrong with us being ‘just friends’. And then, I realize that we aren’t ‘just friends’ or you wouldn’t keep it secret from your girlfriend and tell me that I’m your inspiration. And the cycle continues.
Fourth, with that all going on in my brain, I start to think that I should just back out because I'm worth more than being your second option, your excitement. That I should distance myself from you and make a fresh start, get a clean slate. That maybe I should really, actually cut ties with you because you are never, ever going to value me in a way that reflects what I am actually worth. I remind myself that I am everything a man could want in a partner and it doesn't matter that it wasn't the right fit between us. Yet, I wish you could see how it is, and there's that little hope that you will, so I don't completely back away. Then, I think the same thing as above, "well, it's fine because we should be able to be just friends." But I worry that I can't be just friends and so, I try to move out of regular conversation, hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then I end up here.
In the end, it comes down to me not wanting to admit that I’m confused because I’m too afraid that you will make me feel rejected again, and me not wanting to admit that I have mixed feelings for fear that you don’t, and me just wanting to know WHY I wasn’t picked and why I can’t get over THAT very thing.
Even as I write this, I think about how I could tell you all of this without feeling like the fool because even as I say all of these confused words, so many scenarios flow through my head...
I want the outcome to be me realizing this isn't worth my pain and walking away before you have the chance to respond
I want the outcome to be you taking me in your arms and kissing every part of my body
I want the outcome to be that I realize before we ever talk that I'm really fine with everything and I'm over thinking it and this message never needs to be shared.
Merry-go-round in my brain
As I dialogue with my ex, I find myself on a ridiculous merry-go-round of emotions, thoughts, and actions.
No, I don’t want to talk anymore. Yes, I do want to talk. No, I don’t! Yes! No! Yes!
At this point, with no good solution in sight, I have the feeling like I want to get drunk and yell the following things at him –
WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE THINGS WORK BETWEEN US?! WHY WASN’T I WORTH YOUR TIME TO STAY TOGETHER?! WHY COULDN’T YOU DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT WE WERE PASSIONATE AND THAT MADE US FIGHT?! WAS IT THAT I’M JUST NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH, IN THE END?! WAS IT THAT YOU DIDN’T EVER REALLY LOVE ME ENOUGH TO WANT TO FIND A WAY TO WORK IT OUT NO MATTER WHAT?!
*BANGS HEAD ON TABLE*
WHY IN GODS NAME COULDN’T I BE WORTH YOUR TIME?! WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU!? WHY COULDN’T I BE AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS YOU ARE TO ME?!
*DEEP BREATH*
I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU EITHER! I DON’T CARE IF WE’RE NOT INVOLVED! I DON’T WANT TO TRY TO MAKE IT WORK BECAUSE WE HAVE FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT LIFE VIEWS! I DON’T CARE IF YOU ONLY FIND ME EXCITING WHEN WE’RE NOT IN A ‘RELATIONSHIP’! I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME! I DON’T LOVE YOU EITHER! I’M OVER THIS! I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE!
*PACES ANGRILY AROUND KITCHEN*
I’M GOING INSANE WITH ALL THESE THOUGHTS! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT THIS IS DOING TO MY BRAIN?! I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME! I WANT TO NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOR GOOD! I WANT TO BE FREE FROM YOU! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE ‘JUST FRIENDS’!
*cries*
But I can’t be and I won’t be and I don’t know how
No, I don’t want to talk anymore. Yes, I do want to talk. No, I don’t! Yes! No! Yes!
At this point, with no good solution in sight, I have the feeling like I want to get drunk and yell the following things at him –
WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE THINGS WORK BETWEEN US?! WHY WASN’T I WORTH YOUR TIME TO STAY TOGETHER?! WHY COULDN’T YOU DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT WE WERE PASSIONATE AND THAT MADE US FIGHT?! WAS IT THAT I’M JUST NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH, IN THE END?! WAS IT THAT YOU DIDN’T EVER REALLY LOVE ME ENOUGH TO WANT TO FIND A WAY TO WORK IT OUT NO MATTER WHAT?!
*BANGS HEAD ON TABLE*
WHY IN GODS NAME COULDN’T I BE WORTH YOUR TIME?! WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU!? WHY COULDN’T I BE AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS YOU ARE TO ME?!
*DEEP BREATH*
I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU EITHER! I DON’T CARE IF WE’RE NOT INVOLVED! I DON’T WANT TO TRY TO MAKE IT WORK BECAUSE WE HAVE FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT LIFE VIEWS! I DON’T CARE IF YOU ONLY FIND ME EXCITING WHEN WE’RE NOT IN A ‘RELATIONSHIP’! I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME! I DON’T LOVE YOU EITHER! I’M OVER THIS! I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE!
*PACES ANGRILY AROUND KITCHEN*
I’M GOING INSANE WITH ALL THESE THOUGHTS! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT THIS IS DOING TO MY BRAIN?! I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME! I WANT TO NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOR GOOD! I WANT TO BE FREE FROM YOU! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE ‘JUST FRIENDS’!
*cries*
But I can’t be and I won’t be and I don’t know how
Friday, October 24, 2008
Wanting to walk away...
I had a meltdown at practice last night.
I was working on my jumping roundhouse and was having trouble with the timing. All of a sudden, I said (dramatically), “I can’t DO this” and half-ran out of the gym. I ended up sitting on the locker room floor in tears. I get frustrated when I can’t get everything quite right, but I think it was more than the sport.
So, yesterday, my artist ex texted me to tell me he was out of town with his girlfriend until Sunday and thus needs to “lay low” on communicating with me. And you know? It makes me feel like crap. Basically, I can go along and feel fine about our little clandestine conversations and then all of a sudden, feel slapped in the face with the very clear reminder that we are NOT together, and he IS together with someone.
I mean, I always know that that’s the way it is, so-to-speak, but it’s easy to feel fine about everything until something like this comes up. I know that he and I don’t work well together, but in my deepest heart-of-hearts I have this little place where I hold out for the “perfect” ending to all this and we live happily ever after.
But you know what, that’s not the reality. The reality is that he lives with a woman who loves him. The reality is that he and I end up fighting a lot when we’re together. The reality is that I don’t believe in living together before marriage and he doesn’t believe in marriage. The reality is that he and I are not going to have a “happily ever after.”
Recently, I’ve been on the “I’m leaving in a year so it’s all good” track with this whole thing, but now I realize that I’m fooling myself. I’m miserable with the situation. I’m lying to myself when I say that we can just be friends, and I’m hurting myself. I know that I like that he finds me “exciting” and “inspiring” enough to pull him away from his girlfriend and keep our relationship a secret, but I also hate that very same thing. I don’t want to be the “side woman,” the “second best” choice, and I know that I am when it comes down to it.
I know that my slate isn’t “clean” when he is involved, and I can see that I’ve gotten myself back into a situation where I’m emotionally invested in the outcome. Goddamn it!!! I hate that I can’t seem to break myself free of this ‘relationship’ and I’m sick and tired of WANTING things to “work out” when I rationally realize that they aren’t going to.
Why, I ask myself, why? I guess I don’t know how to walk away even though it’s what I want.
I was working on my jumping roundhouse and was having trouble with the timing. All of a sudden, I said (dramatically), “I can’t DO this” and half-ran out of the gym. I ended up sitting on the locker room floor in tears. I get frustrated when I can’t get everything quite right, but I think it was more than the sport.
So, yesterday, my artist ex texted me to tell me he was out of town with his girlfriend until Sunday and thus needs to “lay low” on communicating with me. And you know? It makes me feel like crap. Basically, I can go along and feel fine about our little clandestine conversations and then all of a sudden, feel slapped in the face with the very clear reminder that we are NOT together, and he IS together with someone.
I mean, I always know that that’s the way it is, so-to-speak, but it’s easy to feel fine about everything until something like this comes up. I know that he and I don’t work well together, but in my deepest heart-of-hearts I have this little place where I hold out for the “perfect” ending to all this and we live happily ever after.
But you know what, that’s not the reality. The reality is that he lives with a woman who loves him. The reality is that he and I end up fighting a lot when we’re together. The reality is that I don’t believe in living together before marriage and he doesn’t believe in marriage. The reality is that he and I are not going to have a “happily ever after.”
Recently, I’ve been on the “I’m leaving in a year so it’s all good” track with this whole thing, but now I realize that I’m fooling myself. I’m miserable with the situation. I’m lying to myself when I say that we can just be friends, and I’m hurting myself. I know that I like that he finds me “exciting” and “inspiring” enough to pull him away from his girlfriend and keep our relationship a secret, but I also hate that very same thing. I don’t want to be the “side woman,” the “second best” choice, and I know that I am when it comes down to it.
I know that my slate isn’t “clean” when he is involved, and I can see that I’ve gotten myself back into a situation where I’m emotionally invested in the outcome. Goddamn it!!! I hate that I can’t seem to break myself free of this ‘relationship’ and I’m sick and tired of WANTING things to “work out” when I rationally realize that they aren’t going to.
Why, I ask myself, why? I guess I don’t know how to walk away even though it’s what I want.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
So, it's settled
So, things are over, again, for the most recent boyfriend and me. I canceled our plan to spend last night together, and he freaked out last night. We had a big fight because he felt like I hadn’t been making enough time for him (true) and that if the relationship was really working that I would want to see him more (true). I explained that I wasn’t trying to distance him and that I haven’t been seeing a lot of people lately since I’ve been so focused on work and martial arts.
We argued over why we got back together this summer and basically called me manipulative and said that I was happy only when we were seeing each other secretly because that was “exciting.” He said that I don’t let him "in" emotionally, and I tried to explain that when I do, he doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. Then, he was really angry when I tried to explain that his smoking was really getting to me because he had quit and started again. And then he called me shallow when I tried to explain that he doesn’t really fit in with my life. He was all, “you know I have social anxiety!” Well, that’s sad, but if I’m unhappy because of it (I’m social! I like people! Sometimes I need to take him to client events and what, he’s going to hide in the corner?!), how does it make sense for us to be together? I didn’t mention the health thing, but he has gained weight and as I’m getting more fit, it bothers me that he’s not active at all (I've mentioned it in the past).
I feel the worst because he’s hurt and upset and thinks that I 'never saw a future for us'. And to make it worse, yesterday happened to be our one-year anniversary. Yeesh. I also feel badly because I don’t feel sad that we’re not together. I just feel sort of relieved not to be worrying about it anymore. It’s like the last 6 months I’ve spent realizing that it’s not the right fit, no matter how “nice” and “loving” and "steady" he is, and not wanting to hurt him (I know, I know, never a good plan) and I ended up making it all worse.
I feel like I need to have a clean slate. I need to just take a deep breath and not be involved in any drama or relationship. I want to focus on my friends, my training, and of course, my work. I want to decide what I’m DOING with my life and be doing it by next year, and having distractions like a bad relationship aren’t going to help me. I mean, I’ve spent the last 6 years in a relationship basically without real time away from it – high school boyfriend (a year), dancer (7 months), artist (a year), HS boyfriend again (8 months), artist again (7 months), most recent ex twice (7 months, 3 months). I say this every time I end something, but I realize now that the pattern isn’t being broken. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm done settling. I want to be with someone I'm passionate about, and I'm not going to get involved again unless it's something really special. No casual dating, nothing until it's completely worth my time and energy.
We argued over why we got back together this summer and basically called me manipulative and said that I was happy only when we were seeing each other secretly because that was “exciting.” He said that I don’t let him "in" emotionally, and I tried to explain that when I do, he doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. Then, he was really angry when I tried to explain that his smoking was really getting to me because he had quit and started again. And then he called me shallow when I tried to explain that he doesn’t really fit in with my life. He was all, “you know I have social anxiety!” Well, that’s sad, but if I’m unhappy because of it (I’m social! I like people! Sometimes I need to take him to client events and what, he’s going to hide in the corner?!), how does it make sense for us to be together? I didn’t mention the health thing, but he has gained weight and as I’m getting more fit, it bothers me that he’s not active at all (I've mentioned it in the past).
I feel the worst because he’s hurt and upset and thinks that I 'never saw a future for us'. And to make it worse, yesterday happened to be our one-year anniversary. Yeesh. I also feel badly because I don’t feel sad that we’re not together. I just feel sort of relieved not to be worrying about it anymore. It’s like the last 6 months I’ve spent realizing that it’s not the right fit, no matter how “nice” and “loving” and "steady" he is, and not wanting to hurt him (I know, I know, never a good plan) and I ended up making it all worse.
I feel like I need to have a clean slate. I need to just take a deep breath and not be involved in any drama or relationship. I want to focus on my friends, my training, and of course, my work. I want to decide what I’m DOING with my life and be doing it by next year, and having distractions like a bad relationship aren’t going to help me. I mean, I’ve spent the last 6 years in a relationship basically without real time away from it – high school boyfriend (a year), dancer (7 months), artist (a year), HS boyfriend again (8 months), artist again (7 months), most recent ex twice (7 months, 3 months). I say this every time I end something, but I realize now that the pattern isn’t being broken. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm done settling. I want to be with someone I'm passionate about, and I'm not going to get involved again unless it's something really special. No casual dating, nothing until it's completely worth my time and energy.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
When you realize you’re a caught in a loop
I realized the other day that I am a masochist. I thought to myself at my moment of realization, "well, at least, I’m only so in the emotional sense, not the physical," but then I realized that I might be worse off.
I was sitting alone when it dawned on me that if my ex, the damn artist, came back to me and said that he didn’t care about our problems, that he didn’t care about our issues, that he would always love me… I would jump right back into his skinny arms. Fuck me, I thought, I am a fucking masochist.
Why do I want the one thing that brought me as much pain as all other relationship pains combined? Why would I be with the ONE person who can and has hurt me more deeply and devastatingly than anyone else has come close to doing?
I left him! Why do I feel like he left me, and somewhere buried deep in my heart, I’m waiting for him to come back? Just this week, I sent him a text message to ask about an artist whose name I’d forgotten and when he called me back, my stomach was twisted into knots and was for the rest of the day. It kills me to think about him living with his steady-she-takes-care-of-me-and-loves-me girlfriend. I know he doesn’t like to think of me with other men, but where I would have thrown everything out to be together, he wouldn’t have.
And that’s why I left. And that’s why I feel like he left me. Because I knew that if I didn’t leave, one day he would have. And he wept in my arms about not being good enough for me, and yet, I didn’t want him to be good enough. I wanted to not be the second best option.
This isn’t love. This isn’t some movie romance where we end up together after it all. This is real life where we move on with our emotional bruises and scars, and I realize that I must be a masochist because those injuries draw me back time and again. There isn’t enough good in that relationship to pull me back so it has to be the agony.
Perhaps I should become an artist. Then I have an excuse for wanting to seek out my personal agony – to make great art. Yet, in the end, I simply wallow in the dark, alone.
I was sitting alone when it dawned on me that if my ex, the damn artist, came back to me and said that he didn’t care about our problems, that he didn’t care about our issues, that he would always love me… I would jump right back into his skinny arms. Fuck me, I thought, I am a fucking masochist.
Why do I want the one thing that brought me as much pain as all other relationship pains combined? Why would I be with the ONE person who can and has hurt me more deeply and devastatingly than anyone else has come close to doing?
I left him! Why do I feel like he left me, and somewhere buried deep in my heart, I’m waiting for him to come back? Just this week, I sent him a text message to ask about an artist whose name I’d forgotten and when he called me back, my stomach was twisted into knots and was for the rest of the day. It kills me to think about him living with his steady-she-takes-care-of-me-and-loves-me girlfriend. I know he doesn’t like to think of me with other men, but where I would have thrown everything out to be together, he wouldn’t have.
And that’s why I left. And that’s why I feel like he left me. Because I knew that if I didn’t leave, one day he would have. And he wept in my arms about not being good enough for me, and yet, I didn’t want him to be good enough. I wanted to not be the second best option.
This isn’t love. This isn’t some movie romance where we end up together after it all. This is real life where we move on with our emotional bruises and scars, and I realize that I must be a masochist because those injuries draw me back time and again. There isn’t enough good in that relationship to pull me back so it has to be the agony.
Perhaps I should become an artist. Then I have an excuse for wanting to seek out my personal agony – to make great art. Yet, in the end, I simply wallow in the dark, alone.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Taste of humble pie...
So, I had a new experience this last weekend… and it wasn’t a pleasant one, to say the least.
Now, I’m going to be honest here (as I always am). I’m a little vain. I’m pretty much used to guys that I go for responding positively and while I’ve had guys who’ve decided that things weren’t moving forward, I’ve never really been outright rejected.
And last weekend, I was. It was harsh.
This guy who I’ve been sleeping with for the last month or so basically told me that he “couldn’t see himself fall in love with me, so he wasn’t interested anymore” and that it was basically like “that book, He’s Just Not That Into You.”
Yeesh! I mean, I never expected/wanted a relationship and he’s not the type of guy I would fall for, in fact, I was just in it for the sex. I consider myself an excellent partner, so it’s a blow to the ego to have a guy who turns down what was essentially a “friends with benefits” arrangement. I know that occasionally (aka 2x) over the past two months I asked if he wanted to hang out and he said no, but I also had times where I wasn’t available to get together.
I think the surprise was in the sudden change. I mean, we hung out a week ago from last weekend and everything was fine Friday night, but when Saturday rolled around, I could tell something was different. We didn’t talk all week and when I texted him Saturday night (per his direction) he gave me the you-no-longer-interest-me speech (via text).
It hurt because I don’t like being rejected. Especially because I was being rejected when I didn’t even want to DATE him, let alone pursue anything close to love. But in the end, I think a little humility is good for me, and sometimes, even a mean text can help me stay grounded. ;-)
Now, I’m going to be honest here (as I always am). I’m a little vain. I’m pretty much used to guys that I go for responding positively and while I’ve had guys who’ve decided that things weren’t moving forward, I’ve never really been outright rejected.
And last weekend, I was. It was harsh.
This guy who I’ve been sleeping with for the last month or so basically told me that he “couldn’t see himself fall in love with me, so he wasn’t interested anymore” and that it was basically like “that book, He’s Just Not That Into You.”
Yeesh! I mean, I never expected/wanted a relationship and he’s not the type of guy I would fall for, in fact, I was just in it for the sex. I consider myself an excellent partner, so it’s a blow to the ego to have a guy who turns down what was essentially a “friends with benefits” arrangement. I know that occasionally (aka 2x) over the past two months I asked if he wanted to hang out and he said no, but I also had times where I wasn’t available to get together.
I think the surprise was in the sudden change. I mean, we hung out a week ago from last weekend and everything was fine Friday night, but when Saturday rolled around, I could tell something was different. We didn’t talk all week and when I texted him Saturday night (per his direction) he gave me the you-no-longer-interest-me speech (via text).
It hurt because I don’t like being rejected. Especially because I was being rejected when I didn’t even want to DATE him, let alone pursue anything close to love. But in the end, I think a little humility is good for me, and sometimes, even a mean text can help me stay grounded. ;-)
Monday, May 19, 2008
Taking a break
I finally decided that I need some space, some time apart, if you will. As anyone who has read any of my blog will know, I've had a lot of issues maintaining the integrity of my current relationship. I, for lack of a better term, have had a wandering eye. And it's truly not because I didn't/don't love the boyfriend, it's that it wasn't a good fit for me.
I've thought about it a lot, and I believe it comes down to a couple issues. 1) Too committed, too quickly 2) personality differences 3) my general difficulty in being devoted
On the first, we basically went from dating to seeing each other every single day and almost living together. There were WEEKS at a time when he never saw his own apartment other than to stop by on a lunch break to pick up mail or a movie. I have always been a commitment-phobic lady, and I believe now that subconsciously this was wearing on me. It was like getting into a super serious relationship overnight. The issue is that I didn't set boundaries up front. I mean, at the beginning, of course I wanted to see him all the time, but that isn't good because then, months later, when I needed space, he felt hurt by it. And so of course, we'd end up hanging out, and then the cycle of my feeling a little trapped or too involved continued. This break-up probably wouldn't have been necessary if we had kept our lives more separate from the get-go.
On the second, I am very motivated and passionate. He is not-so-much. I like going out and he is a homebody. I think I could have made the heavy commitment work if he was more like me. I mean, since I broke it off, I have been to an art exhibit opening, a bar I've been meaning to go to since last summer, 80s dance party-themed charity event, 15 mile bike ride, etc. It's like he's not motivated to go make things happen, so I don't actually end up doing things either. It's not healthy for me.
On the third, I do admit that it's hard for me to be focused on one person. In all my relationships, save one, I've had a tough time remaining 100% faithful to the person I was dating. That one relationship was the only one where I was so in love with the person that I couldn't have imagined wanting to be with anyone else. All my others were just not quite compelling enough. I think that I need to wait on committing from now on, so that this doesn't keep happening to me. It's not fair to the guys I date, and it's just not a good, ethical practice.
So, there you have it, I suppose. And I'll see where things go from here...
I've thought about it a lot, and I believe it comes down to a couple issues. 1) Too committed, too quickly 2) personality differences 3) my general difficulty in being devoted
On the first, we basically went from dating to seeing each other every single day and almost living together. There were WEEKS at a time when he never saw his own apartment other than to stop by on a lunch break to pick up mail or a movie. I have always been a commitment-phobic lady, and I believe now that subconsciously this was wearing on me. It was like getting into a super serious relationship overnight. The issue is that I didn't set boundaries up front. I mean, at the beginning, of course I wanted to see him all the time, but that isn't good because then, months later, when I needed space, he felt hurt by it. And so of course, we'd end up hanging out, and then the cycle of my feeling a little trapped or too involved continued. This break-up probably wouldn't have been necessary if we had kept our lives more separate from the get-go.
On the second, I am very motivated and passionate. He is not-so-much. I like going out and he is a homebody. I think I could have made the heavy commitment work if he was more like me. I mean, since I broke it off, I have been to an art exhibit opening, a bar I've been meaning to go to since last summer, 80s dance party-themed charity event, 15 mile bike ride, etc. It's like he's not motivated to go make things happen, so I don't actually end up doing things either. It's not healthy for me.
On the third, I do admit that it's hard for me to be focused on one person. In all my relationships, save one, I've had a tough time remaining 100% faithful to the person I was dating. That one relationship was the only one where I was so in love with the person that I couldn't have imagined wanting to be with anyone else. All my others were just not quite compelling enough. I think that I need to wait on committing from now on, so that this doesn't keep happening to me. It's not fair to the guys I date, and it's just not a good, ethical practice.
So, there you have it, I suppose. And I'll see where things go from here...
Monday, May 5, 2008
The end of the affair
It was weird to see you yesterday. Partly good, partly butterflies-in-my-stomach. I didn’t know how to feel/respond when you told me about you two moving in together. Of course, as I’m sure I will always feel, it makes me a little uneasy thinking of you with another woman. I’m sure I’ll always dislike thinking about you with someone else, and I can guess that you don’t particularly like to think of me with another man.
When you asked me if I was capable of having an affair that would lead nowhere (as that’s what I believe you meant by “emotionless”), I wasn’t sure what my answer was. Have I ever had a true affair? No. Am I personally CAPABLE of it? Yes.
I realized, though, that I could only have an affair with a man who didn’t make me feel like the second choice. With you, I will always feel like I’m the runner up, the one that is great in bed, and yet not quite worth it. I don’t know how to explain it. I know this and I realize that a year ago, two years ago, I would have said yes anyway. I would have been inspired by the passion, the excitement.
Yet, now, I see this for what it is, second best. It’s a shabby lie of a life, and I don’t believe want to experience it with you. It’s wrong to do to both of them, no matter how passionate we are together and how that passion doesn’t quite come out when we are with them.
You know what I think? I value YOU too much to have an affair with you. It’s not going to end well, and it’s actually insulting to everything we ever had together. You and I were passionate. Sure, we fought, we argued, we made each other miserable. But we were honest. And the passionate side of our relationship was amazing. I really never could have cheated on you and I don’t want to throw all of our history away on a physical affair. I don’t want to know that all our experiences together come down only to sex. It makes everything we had, everything you made me feel, seem worthless. It invalidates 3 years of my personal life. I realized that I always want our interactions to be meaningful, inspiring, and cheating is none of those things.
So, that is why I’m not interested. Because I care too much about what we’ve had and recognize its value. And that’s the difference, because to you, I’ll always be second best.
When you asked me if I was capable of having an affair that would lead nowhere (as that’s what I believe you meant by “emotionless”), I wasn’t sure what my answer was. Have I ever had a true affair? No. Am I personally CAPABLE of it? Yes.
I realized, though, that I could only have an affair with a man who didn’t make me feel like the second choice. With you, I will always feel like I’m the runner up, the one that is great in bed, and yet not quite worth it. I don’t know how to explain it. I know this and I realize that a year ago, two years ago, I would have said yes anyway. I would have been inspired by the passion, the excitement.
Yet, now, I see this for what it is, second best. It’s a shabby lie of a life, and I don’t believe want to experience it with you. It’s wrong to do to both of them, no matter how passionate we are together and how that passion doesn’t quite come out when we are with them.
You know what I think? I value YOU too much to have an affair with you. It’s not going to end well, and it’s actually insulting to everything we ever had together. You and I were passionate. Sure, we fought, we argued, we made each other miserable. But we were honest. And the passionate side of our relationship was amazing. I really never could have cheated on you and I don’t want to throw all of our history away on a physical affair. I don’t want to know that all our experiences together come down only to sex. It makes everything we had, everything you made me feel, seem worthless. It invalidates 3 years of my personal life. I realized that I always want our interactions to be meaningful, inspiring, and cheating is none of those things.
So, that is why I’m not interested. Because I care too much about what we’ve had and recognize its value. And that’s the difference, because to you, I’ll always be second best.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Realist, I am
So, here I am today. I feel rather perplexed at my situation. The former lover is with a fantastic-sounding woman, yet he is secretly corresponding with me. I’m with a loving, darling of a boyfriend, who knows I’m talking to my ex, and yet, I’m feeling torn.
This former boyfriend, perhaps one could say, first true, passionate love, said to me today that we “seem to keep coming back to each other like aligning orbital bodies. Moving in and out of phase.” Why?
Why this ONE person? We’re both interesting, attractive, compelling people who have no trouble finding interesting, compelling partners, and yet we continue to circle back to each other…
Now, I’m a realist. I no longer naively think that this means that we’re “meant to be” or some such crap. He doesn’t ever want to get married, and I don’t believe in living with a guy before marriage. Sex, sure, but living together, nope. So, the logical answer is that one of us would have to change (not going to happen) or we never work out. Do I really want to find myself in my 30s with a guy who I can never really, deeply commit to? No. I don’t. I’m old enough now to know that I want to get married eventually and that I probably will want children sometime down the road.
Perhaps I just haven’t met the right person yet, the one who I will want to work things out with, or maybe this whole mess has a fairytale ending.
See, my other inner self is a hopeless romantic that wants this particular person to work. I see us in the future: the sexy businesswoman who supports her intense and electrifying artist husband and though they have firey fights sometimes, the flip-side of passion and intellectual stimulation makes it all worthwhile.
Sigh. Unfortunately, the realist in me says no.
This former boyfriend, perhaps one could say, first true, passionate love, said to me today that we “seem to keep coming back to each other like aligning orbital bodies. Moving in and out of phase.” Why?
Why this ONE person? We’re both interesting, attractive, compelling people who have no trouble finding interesting, compelling partners, and yet we continue to circle back to each other…
Now, I’m a realist. I no longer naively think that this means that we’re “meant to be” or some such crap. He doesn’t ever want to get married, and I don’t believe in living with a guy before marriage. Sex, sure, but living together, nope. So, the logical answer is that one of us would have to change (not going to happen) or we never work out. Do I really want to find myself in my 30s with a guy who I can never really, deeply commit to? No. I don’t. I’m old enough now to know that I want to get married eventually and that I probably will want children sometime down the road.
Perhaps I just haven’t met the right person yet, the one who I will want to work things out with, or maybe this whole mess has a fairytale ending.
See, my other inner self is a hopeless romantic that wants this particular person to work. I see us in the future: the sexy businesswoman who supports her intense and electrifying artist husband and though they have firey fights sometimes, the flip-side of passion and intellectual stimulation makes it all worthwhile.
Sigh. Unfortunately, the realist in me says no.
Monday, March 31, 2008
It's been a while... And yet...
And yet, I find myself in a weird conundrum of emotions.
I seem to be a fickle lover. And I mean that in both the most sincere and apologetic way. I tend to have many interests, and often times have a hard time centering my emotional output on one individual. Does that mean that I cheat? Yes, I have cheated. On the current boyfriend? No, thankfully.
I’ve been trying to untangle myself, emotionally, to get at the root of my wandering eye. Do I feel the need for many men to love me in order to feel wanted? Not really. Do I have a Daddy complex? Not so much. Instead, I seem to cheat because I care about more than one guy at once. Yes, I love the one I’m with, but I might care deeply for someone else at the same time.
Why me?! Why can’t I find someone who so captivates me that I don’t have fleeting desires for others. I mean, the few times that I have cheated, it’s always been with an EX-lover who has come back into my life for some reason. And I find myself on that precipice again. You can judge me if you want, but I never cheat because I don’t love my current partner. I’ve done it because I’m not quite loving enough not to desire what I used to have. And for various reasons. Nostalgia, certainly. Different passion, of course.
And yet, here I am again. Corresponding on an emotional level with a former flame, “the” former flame, if we are being honest, and I hate myself for it. Then again, I don’t.
The current issue is this. The former flame does not want the same things as me in life. We have too different life views to make it work, but we had amazing chemistry, intense passions. The current flame wants the same things as me and is going the same way. But he is darling and loveable in a safe way. Do I feel the same intensity? No. Do I love him? Yes, but in a different way.
So, here I am again. Asking myself the same question: is there any hope that I will find stable love and intense passion in the same person?
I seem to be a fickle lover. And I mean that in both the most sincere and apologetic way. I tend to have many interests, and often times have a hard time centering my emotional output on one individual. Does that mean that I cheat? Yes, I have cheated. On the current boyfriend? No, thankfully.
I’ve been trying to untangle myself, emotionally, to get at the root of my wandering eye. Do I feel the need for many men to love me in order to feel wanted? Not really. Do I have a Daddy complex? Not so much. Instead, I seem to cheat because I care about more than one guy at once. Yes, I love the one I’m with, but I might care deeply for someone else at the same time.
Why me?! Why can’t I find someone who so captivates me that I don’t have fleeting desires for others. I mean, the few times that I have cheated, it’s always been with an EX-lover who has come back into my life for some reason. And I find myself on that precipice again. You can judge me if you want, but I never cheat because I don’t love my current partner. I’ve done it because I’m not quite loving enough not to desire what I used to have. And for various reasons. Nostalgia, certainly. Different passion, of course.
And yet, here I am again. Corresponding on an emotional level with a former flame, “the” former flame, if we are being honest, and I hate myself for it. Then again, I don’t.
The current issue is this. The former flame does not want the same things as me in life. We have too different life views to make it work, but we had amazing chemistry, intense passions. The current flame wants the same things as me and is going the same way. But he is darling and loveable in a safe way. Do I feel the same intensity? No. Do I love him? Yes, but in a different way.
So, here I am again. Asking myself the same question: is there any hope that I will find stable love and intense passion in the same person?
Monday, February 18, 2008
Down the rabbit hole
It's a funny thing when you find out. When you are reading in visceral detail the way that your former lover was with another woman and even though you left this guy, this boy, this person, it still gives you a knot in your stomach to think about him with another woman. Even though, you know that you are with someone new, someone who you go home to at night, who loves you and who you love back. Yet, it still twists a weird, unfortunate hole into your stomach and you wonder if that dull ache ever goes away.
It's been over a year since you walked away but you feel like it's been a lifetime and a day. Both. The immediate past and the indeterminate past. Little memories writhe at the surface as you're emailing again. Dammit. You're corresponding again.
Fuck this artwork. Fuck the past. Move on without so much as glancing back. You tell yourself.
And you repeat it over and over again and you remember the things you hated and you remembered the arguing and you remember. And you remember. And you remember. And it's awful and wonderful at the same time. You wander lost through those fucking memories and wonder how you've come to this point. Again.
Is your life stuck on rewind and repeat? Or does it only seem that way until you can cut away the past, with a dripping, angry blade, that shines when it cuts the fat from the meat. I want to cut away the past, but instead I hack away with this butter knife that does nothing but muck up the past and present and leave me with bloody pulp for an answer.
What the fuck am I doing?
It's been over a year since you walked away but you feel like it's been a lifetime and a day. Both. The immediate past and the indeterminate past. Little memories writhe at the surface as you're emailing again. Dammit. You're corresponding again.
Fuck this artwork. Fuck the past. Move on without so much as glancing back. You tell yourself.
And you repeat it over and over again and you remember the things you hated and you remembered the arguing and you remember. And you remember. And you remember. And it's awful and wonderful at the same time. You wander lost through those fucking memories and wonder how you've come to this point. Again.
Is your life stuck on rewind and repeat? Or does it only seem that way until you can cut away the past, with a dripping, angry blade, that shines when it cuts the fat from the meat. I want to cut away the past, but instead I hack away with this butter knife that does nothing but muck up the past and present and leave me with bloody pulp for an answer.
What the fuck am I doing?
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