The Letter I Don't Need to Send

Dear [Name Here]:

I feel that you need to know some of the issues that are frustrating and confusing me…

First, the most upsetting is the subtle reminder (from her very existence) that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘worth enough’ to be with you when it came down to it. I mean, it’s hard to see a person you loved more than anyone else who is willing to live with, change for, adapt to, etc., another woman. It’s so confusing because you say that there’s no passion, that your relationship is depressing or boring, but then, you picked that relationship over ours. I knooooow that we fought a lot, and I knoooow that we didn’t have the same outlook on life/relationships, but I wish that I could have felt like you wanted to be with me more than you cared about those things. I know I certainly did, which is why I broke it off – I knew that I would get my heart broken (again) when you decided that you didn’t want to put in any more effort or the relationship would require long-term commitment. It’s just so depressing to see her picture on your iPod, to know that she lives with you, to know that you’re gone traveling with her, and that I can only talk to you when she’s not around.

Second, and similarly, it’s extremely confusing to me when you say that you find me “inspiring” and “exciting” yet none of those things were compelling “enough” in the past to make me worth it. It hurts to think about it because the contrast in the way that I matter to you and you matter to me is clear. Why am I only exciting enough to sneak around to see, but not to try to pursue, to really try to win and keep so that that ‘excitement’ is always in your life? It makes me feel like I’m only a thrill when it’s a secret, and being a secret doesn’t make me feel worthwhile or special. I know that the thrill of the chase is something we both enjoy, but at the same time, we have too much history for me to feel like that is enough. We have too many memories, emotions, etc., for that to represent what we should mean to each other. It makes me feel like the second best choice. Somedays, I want to just bang my head on a desk for hours on end to escape the “why, why, why?!” feeling that this whole thing gives me.

Third, on that note, my emotions are constantly haywire. One minute, I’m all interested and inspired intellectually by our conversations. The next minute, I want to throw caution into the wind and jump you to have crazy, passionate sex. Then, I think that I never want to sleep with you again because it would degrade everything we ever had. Then, I want to be in love with you again and want you to love me, and us to be together, but then I don’t want either of those things. Then, I think that I’m fine with it all and should be calm because there’s nothing wrong with us being ‘just friends’. And then, I realize that we aren’t ‘just friends’ or you wouldn’t keep it secret from your girlfriend and tell me that I’m your inspiration. And the cycle continues.

Fourth, with that all going on in my brain, I start to think that I should just back out because I'm worth more than being your second option, your excitement. That I should distance myself from you and make a fresh start, get a clean slate. That maybe I should really, actually cut ties with you because you are never, ever going to value me in a way that reflects what I am actually worth. I remind myself that I am everything a man could want in a partner and it doesn't matter that it wasn't the right fit between us. Yet, I wish you could see how it is, and there's that little hope that you will, so I don't completely back away. Then, I think the same thing as above, "well, it's fine because we should be able to be just friends." But I worry that I can't be just friends and so, I try to move out of regular conversation, hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then I end up here.

In the end, it comes down to me not wanting to admit that I’m confused because I’m too afraid that you will make me feel rejected again, and me not wanting to admit that I have mixed feelings for fear that you don’t, and me just wanting to know WHY I wasn’t picked and why I can’t get over THAT very thing.

Even as I write this, I think about how I could tell you all of this without feeling like the fool because even as I say all of these confused words, so many scenarios flow through my head...

I want the outcome to be me realizing this isn't worth my pain and walking away before you have the chance to respond
I want the outcome to be you taking me in your arms and kissing every part of my body
I want the outcome to be that I realize before we ever talk that I'm really fine with everything and I'm over thinking it and this message never needs to be shared.

Merry-go-round in my brain

As I dialogue with my ex, I find myself on a ridiculous merry-go-round of emotions, thoughts, and actions.

No, I don’t want to talk anymore. Yes, I do want to talk. No, I don’t! Yes! No! Yes!

At this point, with no good solution in sight, I have the feeling like I want to get drunk and yell the following things at him –

WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE THINGS WORK BETWEEN US?! WHY WASN’T I WORTH YOUR TIME TO STAY TOGETHER?! WHY COULDN’T YOU DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT WE WERE PASSIONATE AND THAT MADE US FIGHT?! WAS IT THAT I’M JUST NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH, IN THE END?! WAS IT THAT YOU DIDN’T EVER REALLY LOVE ME ENOUGH TO WANT TO FIND A WAY TO WORK IT OUT NO MATTER WHAT?!

*BANGS HEAD ON TABLE*

WHY IN GODS NAME COULDN’T I BE WORTH YOUR TIME?! WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU!? WHY COULDN’T I BE AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS YOU ARE TO ME?!

*DEEP BREATH*

I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU EITHER! I DON’T CARE IF WE’RE NOT INVOLVED! I DON’T WANT TO TRY TO MAKE IT WORK BECAUSE WE HAVE FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT LIFE VIEWS! I DON’T CARE IF YOU ONLY FIND ME EXCITING WHEN WE’RE NOT IN A ‘RELATIONSHIP’! I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME! I DON’T LOVE YOU EITHER! I’M OVER THIS! I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE!

*PACES ANGRILY AROUND KITCHEN*

I’M GOING INSANE WITH ALL THESE THOUGHTS! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT THIS IS DOING TO MY BRAIN?! I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME! I WANT TO NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOR GOOD! I WANT TO BE FREE FROM YOU! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE ‘JUST FRIENDS’!

*cries*

But I can’t be and I won’t be and I don’t know how

Wanting to walk away...

I had a meltdown at practice last night.

I was working on my jumping roundhouse and was having trouble with the timing. All of a sudden, I said (dramatically), “I can’t DO this” and half-ran out of the gym. I ended up sitting on the locker room floor in tears. I get frustrated when I can’t get everything quite right, but I think it was more than the sport.

So, yesterday, my artist ex texted me to tell me he was out of town with his girlfriend until Sunday and thus needs to “lay low” on communicating with me. And you know? It makes me feel like crap. Basically, I can go along and feel fine about our little clandestine conversations and then all of a sudden, feel slapped in the face with the very clear reminder that we are NOT together, and he IS together with someone.

I mean, I always know that that’s the way it is, so-to-speak, but it’s easy to feel fine about everything until something like this comes up. I know that he and I don’t work well together, but in my deepest heart-of-hearts I have this little place where I hold out for the “perfect” ending to all this and we live happily ever after.

But you know what, that’s not the reality. The reality is that he lives with a woman who loves him. The reality is that he and I end up fighting a lot when we’re together. The reality is that I don’t believe in living together before marriage and he doesn’t believe in marriage. The reality is that he and I are not going to have a “happily ever after.”

Recently, I’ve been on the “I’m leaving in a year so it’s all good” track with this whole thing, but now I realize that I’m fooling myself. I’m miserable with the situation. I’m lying to myself when I say that we can just be friends, and I’m hurting myself. I know that I like that he finds me “exciting” and “inspiring” enough to pull him away from his girlfriend and keep our relationship a secret, but I also hate that very same thing. I don’t want to be the “side woman,” the “second best” choice, and I know that I am when it comes down to it.

I know that my slate isn’t “clean” when he is involved, and I can see that I’ve gotten myself back into a situation where I’m emotionally invested in the outcome. Goddamn it!!! I hate that I can’t seem to break myself free of this ‘relationship’ and I’m sick and tired of WANTING things to “work out” when I rationally realize that they aren’t going to.

Why, I ask myself, why? I guess I don’t know how to walk away even though it’s what I want.

DANGER Will Robinson!

So, the red flag needs to be taken OUT of the box and be waved in front of my face!

Despite my recent proclamation of single happiness, I seem to have a little scandal developing on the side. And of course, it’s revolving around the ex-boyfriend, the artist, who I can’t seem to keep out of my life.

Over the last couple months, we’ve been chatting again, and it’s gotten up to a daily, many times a day, conversation. Then, he stopped by my parents’ house to say hi a month ago when I was there. Then he came over last Friday night to hang out with me. And it’s all on the sly from his current, LIVE-IN girlfriend. And NOW, our innocent texting has gotten a slightly scandalous bent and I can’t seem to stop myself!

Here’s what happened… I was talking to him about this secret blog and how no one will ever read it because there are things about them that I might have written and don’t feel like sharing – him included. So, I got a text when I woke up this morning that appeared to have been sent at 3 am. It said “I think I know you well enough to know what you think of me. Can’t talk anymore…”

I was like WTF? Did he have a dramatic moment in the middle of the night and decide that he *gasp* can’t be ‘friends’ anymore? So, I texted him back and this has been the convo since then…

Me: I hope I misunderstand your last text. I think that you took my blogging comments all out of context, and would be upset if our friendship was ended over that.
Him: No rere! [Girlfriend's name removed] came home
(wow is he hiding this or WHAT)
Me: lol, I thought you might have been having a dramatic moment – I didn’t get the text until 3 am…
Him: You were up late
Me: No, I got the text this morning. I was definitely asleep at 3 am
Him: Strange
Me: Indeed, which is WHY I thought, oh geez, he’s having a dramatic moment at 3 am
Him: No! Fu lady! I hate you for even thinking it.
(this is him joking around)
Me: Yah right, as IF you’ve never had a ridiculous notion at 3 am ;-)
Him: And I woke you up for a couple of them
(AH! Why the sudden infusion of sexual references…)
Me: By ridiculous, I don’t mean things I enjoy bc those are always appreciated
(I AM playing with fire!!)
Him: Yes they were…
Me: Don’t be TOO proud of yourself. I was an active contributor
(why God, why?! I have an inability to stop myself)
Him: ha. I know how to…
Me: to what? It’s not like you didn’t enjoy yourself :-P
(oh geez! My feminine ego/wiles kicked in)
Him: Always do
Me: Always a plus
(what the eff? ALWAYS A PLUS?! WHAT AM I DOING!?)

It’s now time to WAVE THE RED FLAG! DANGER AHEAD!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Then, damage control semi kicked in...

Him: You love it
Me: Did then, assume I would now
Him: You will
Me: I know
(Realizing that we’re dangerously close to implicating agreeing to have an affair, Vicky Christina Barcelona aside, I begin to attempt some damage control before it gets out of hand completely)
Me: But it’s all hypothetical, of course
Him: Most things are
Me : True, but it does make life a little less spicy :-P Sometimes I wish that everything was real.
(clearly, previous attempt at damage control ‘damaged’ by this statement)
Him: More spicy you mean? And what do you want real?
Me: I do enjoy spice in my life, and real, well, that remains to be seen
(here is my pathetic attempt to backpedal my previous statement)
Him: Need help with that?
Me: I’m open to suggestions
(while my rational brain screams, “No, No I am not” but is overpowered by my crazy brain)
Him: I suggest you get help
(ah, playing coy or also backpedaling?)
Me: Well, I guess that I’ll keep that in mind
Him: That does not help your “real” dilemma.
Me: True, but unless you’re volunteering, ha, I’ve got no one HERE who’s interesting enough to make a dent

*bangs head on desk*

When you suddenly like being single... really

So, I was thinking last night, and I believe that I’m in a place, maybe for the first time, where I actually don’t WANT a relationship. And it’s not the "oh, I’m feeling all female-pride-y" either. For once, I’m just busy, and I don’t have room in my schedule for a boyfriend. It’s weird to say, but I’ve never been the type, at least until now, who couldn’t see where a guy would fit in, but I can’t see where he would fit in…

Now-a-days, I get up at 6:35 in the morning, get ready, go to work, work until 5:30 - rarely taking lunch, go straight to taekwondo, class until 7 or 8 depending on the night, then it’s home to eat & get ready for bed, and hit the hay by 10ish. Where in the world am I going to stick a guy in there?! I mean, weekends sure, but I generally have plans of some kind with friends or family, so maybe one weekend-night per week I could see someone. Now, for a lot of guys, that sounds like a perfect relationship, but for a lot it doesn’t. And for me, well, I don’t WANT to “have” to plan to see someone at least once a week.

It is weird how getting into a groove with work and hobbies and friends can so easily become important. It seems that I finally prefer getting to bed at a decent hour than canoodling with a boy. I mean, in college, no problemo! I was always up for doing everything, I thought, and then would get exhausted or sick or neglect my friends to make room for a guy. Now, I neglect my friends regardless, but only during the week, ha. It makes me wonder a little if this is how women end up 35 and single, but I just can't seem to be worried by that possibility.

What does it say about a person when he/she finally comes to a place where a relationship just isn’t that important? Where it doesn’t seem fulfilling anymore?

Is this really the 21st century?

I've been noticing an odd trend on the interweb... Everyday I check MSN.com and I see flurries of "advice on relationship" articles. Everything from "Spot Relationship Road Bumps" to "8 New Love Truths You Must Know" to "How to Tell if a Guy is Cheating"...

WTF?

Why is it that women are given all these seemingly dated "tips" on how to catch, keep, and make sure your man stays? I mean, in the article about spotting potential "roadblocks" in your budding relationship, it basically told women how to manipulate the men they date into getting into/staying in a relationship. What has happened to honesty? And I don't mean the 1990s-scary-feminist honesty where women go dutch on everything, expect their boyfriends to treat them like bland equals (doesn't work in the bedroom if there aren't gender roles, in my opinion) and yell if a door is opened for them. I mean, what happened to being honest about what we want and being relaxed on the path to getting there? Are these articles trying to tell us that we, women today, have nothing going on in our lives other than the 1950s-esque pursuit of a man? That we need to "find" something to do when we "feign" being busy so he doesn't feel pressured? DON'T WE HAVE THINGS TO DO?! God knows I do.

I'm certainly no expert on relationships, even though too many of my friends seem to think that I am, but really, can we please stop with the mind games and act like the 21st-century adults we are...

So, it's settled

So, things are over, again, for the most recent boyfriend and me. I canceled our plan to spend last night together, and he freaked out last night. We had a big fight because he felt like I hadn’t been making enough time for him (true) and that if the relationship was really working that I would want to see him more (true). I explained that I wasn’t trying to distance him and that I haven’t been seeing a lot of people lately since I’ve been so focused on work and martial arts.

We argued over why we got back together this summer and basically called me manipulative and said that I was happy only when we were seeing each other secretly because that was “exciting.” He said that I don’t let him "in" emotionally, and I tried to explain that when I do, he doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. Then, he was really angry when I tried to explain that his smoking was really getting to me because he had quit and started again. And then he called me shallow when I tried to explain that he doesn’t really fit in with my life. He was all, “you know I have social anxiety!” Well, that’s sad, but if I’m unhappy because of it (I’m social! I like people! Sometimes I need to take him to client events and what, he’s going to hide in the corner?!), how does it make sense for us to be together? I didn’t mention the health thing, but he has gained weight and as I’m getting more fit, it bothers me that he’s not active at all (I've mentioned it in the past).

I feel the worst because he’s hurt and upset and thinks that I 'never saw a future for us'. And to make it worse, yesterday happened to be our one-year anniversary. Yeesh. I also feel badly because I don’t feel sad that we’re not together. I just feel sort of relieved not to be worrying about it anymore. It’s like the last 6 months I’ve spent realizing that it’s not the right fit, no matter how “nice” and “loving” and "steady" he is, and not wanting to hurt him (I know, I know, never a good plan) and I ended up making it all worse.

I feel like I need to have a clean slate. I need to just take a deep breath and not be involved in any drama or relationship. I want to focus on my friends, my training, and of course, my work. I want to decide what I’m DOING with my life and be doing it by next year, and having distractions like a bad relationship aren’t going to help me. I mean, I’ve spent the last 6 years in a relationship basically without real time away from it – high school boyfriend (a year), dancer (7 months), artist (a year), HS boyfriend again (8 months), artist again (7 months), most recent ex twice (7 months, 3 months). I say this every time I end something, but I realize now that the pattern isn’t being broken. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm done settling. I want to be with someone I'm passionate about, and I'm not going to get involved again unless it's something really special. No casual dating, nothing until it's completely worth my time and energy.

Feeling the blues...

So, it's been a while since I've written here, and I feel that I need to just vent some things, get them off my chest, so-to-speak.

First, I know I shouldn’t get the “everyone around me” is doing better than I am feeling, but it’s just so weird to see so many people I went to high school with (who all went to fancy, private universities, which always makes me feel a little badly) running off and getting married and engaged or whatever. I don't want to be married, but it makes me feel like maybe I'm missing a gene or something. Am I so pathetic that I can't find someone who wants to be with me.

I think that with the current boyfriend, at this point, I don’t want to hurt him more than I want to get out. Yes, we got back together, and now I'm not sure why. I see him maybe 2x per week and there’s really no one else who has sparked my interest, so I figure it’ll hurt him less for now. I know that's a terrible way to look at it. He IS fun one-on-one and I do enjoy our time together.

I don’t know WHAT the computer guy is doing still here, but I’m just not going to spend time with him again unless it’s getting coffee to say a last “good-bye” before he moves away. I feel a little ugh about sleeping with him anyway. The ex-boyfriend artist is certainly in the past, but it just reminds me how I wasn’t good “enough” to be worth his long-term time. I know that people don’t change for you, generally, but sometimes I wish someone would.

Then, I've been feeling oddly jealous of my roommate - a woman I've never felt even remotely jealous of in the past. Our neighbor is clearly into her and is flirting with her all over the place. I guess, it's weird for me because normally I’m fairly appalled by her choice in men, and just get annoyed when she’s all over them because they give her the littlest attention in return. I’m just not used to her going for guys that I actually think are decent, DATEBALE men (she’s gone for guys I thought were attractive before, but not actually date-worthy). Her innocent, never take it anywhere, ever does bug me, but maybe I should set the same standard for myself.

Part of my slump comes from hanging out with my neighbors, aside from the flirting with my roommate, because they actually have skills. One is an amazing musician, and the other is a really skilled handyman, and those are just their hobbies! I feel like I don’t have any one thing that I’m really good at and I don’t feel like my skill set is all that special anyway. I’m a decent, but not record-setting salesperson, I was a strong, but not exception student, I’m cute, but not beautiful, I’m intelligent, but not brilliant, I’m motivated, but not truly driven, etc. I know that I can change things about my life and work harder, but sometimes I realize that it’s just not “in me” and I feel that I can’t really get any more out of life because I have nothing “great” to put into living. I know that sounds all dire and pessimistic, but I’m just noting that some people have talents that sometimes I wish I possessed. You know, maybe part of it is that I feel like I never REALLY get the things that I want the most in life.

On a little different note, I think our culture certainly influences us to feel the need to be sexual beings more than we should be. It’s weird because most Europeans seem to be sexy looking, but without the feeling that they need to act on it. I feel like I have been too lax about sex and I need to get a grip on that aspect of my personality. I do enjoy sex, but I think that I have “slept around” (outside my 4 actual relationships) more than other girls is because I also do enjoy feeling sexy and wanted in that way. It probably stems from when I had bad body image back when I was 14 or so, and not realizing that men found me attractive, really, until college. Then maybe the last couple years I just went a little overboard because I realized that I could work my ‘feminine wiles’ and took them too far.