Merry-go-round in my brain

As I dialogue with my ex, I find myself on a ridiculous merry-go-round of emotions, thoughts, and actions.

No, I don’t want to talk anymore. Yes, I do want to talk. No, I don’t! Yes! No! Yes!

At this point, with no good solution in sight, I have the feeling like I want to get drunk and yell the following things at him –

WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE THINGS WORK BETWEEN US?! WHY WASN’T I WORTH YOUR TIME TO STAY TOGETHER?! WHY COULDN’T YOU DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT WE WERE PASSIONATE AND THAT MADE US FIGHT?! WAS IT THAT I’M JUST NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH, IN THE END?! WAS IT THAT YOU DIDN’T EVER REALLY LOVE ME ENOUGH TO WANT TO FIND A WAY TO WORK IT OUT NO MATTER WHAT?!

*BANGS HEAD ON TABLE*

WHY IN GODS NAME COULDN’T I BE WORTH YOUR TIME?! WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU!? WHY COULDN’T I BE AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS YOU ARE TO ME?!

*DEEP BREATH*

I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU EITHER! I DON’T CARE IF WE’RE NOT INVOLVED! I DON’T WANT TO TRY TO MAKE IT WORK BECAUSE WE HAVE FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT LIFE VIEWS! I DON’T CARE IF YOU ONLY FIND ME EXCITING WHEN WE’RE NOT IN A ‘RELATIONSHIP’! I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME! I DON’T LOVE YOU EITHER! I’M OVER THIS! I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE!

*PACES ANGRILY AROUND KITCHEN*

I’M GOING INSANE WITH ALL THESE THOUGHTS! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT THIS IS DOING TO MY BRAIN?! I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME! I WANT TO NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOR GOOD! I WANT TO BE FREE FROM YOU! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE ‘JUST FRIENDS’!

*cries*

But I can’t be and I won’t be and I don’t know how