Wanting to walk away...

I had a meltdown at practice last night.

I was working on my jumping roundhouse and was having trouble with the timing. All of a sudden, I said (dramatically), “I can’t DO this” and half-ran out of the gym. I ended up sitting on the locker room floor in tears. I get frustrated when I can’t get everything quite right, but I think it was more than the sport.

So, yesterday, my artist ex texted me to tell me he was out of town with his girlfriend until Sunday and thus needs to “lay low” on communicating with me. And you know? It makes me feel like crap. Basically, I can go along and feel fine about our little clandestine conversations and then all of a sudden, feel slapped in the face with the very clear reminder that we are NOT together, and he IS together with someone.

I mean, I always know that that’s the way it is, so-to-speak, but it’s easy to feel fine about everything until something like this comes up. I know that he and I don’t work well together, but in my deepest heart-of-hearts I have this little place where I hold out for the “perfect” ending to all this and we live happily ever after.

But you know what, that’s not the reality. The reality is that he lives with a woman who loves him. The reality is that he and I end up fighting a lot when we’re together. The reality is that I don’t believe in living together before marriage and he doesn’t believe in marriage. The reality is that he and I are not going to have a “happily ever after.”

Recently, I’ve been on the “I’m leaving in a year so it’s all good” track with this whole thing, but now I realize that I’m fooling myself. I’m miserable with the situation. I’m lying to myself when I say that we can just be friends, and I’m hurting myself. I know that I like that he finds me “exciting” and “inspiring” enough to pull him away from his girlfriend and keep our relationship a secret, but I also hate that very same thing. I don’t want to be the “side woman,” the “second best” choice, and I know that I am when it comes down to it.

I know that my slate isn’t “clean” when he is involved, and I can see that I’ve gotten myself back into a situation where I’m emotionally invested in the outcome. Goddamn it!!! I hate that I can’t seem to break myself free of this ‘relationship’ and I’m sick and tired of WANTING things to “work out” when I rationally realize that they aren’t going to.

Why, I ask myself, why? I guess I don’t know how to walk away even though it’s what I want.