Dark Highway

Do you ever think about continuing to drive and never stopping?

Sometimes, especially on nights like tonight, I just want to drive until I leave my life behind me. I know I will never do it, but sometimes I wish I could. I get this sensation that my life is a burden that is crushing me and I don't know how to escape the feeling. I feel like I'm oppressed by my own choices and I don't know how to change them. I wish I could say "screw it all!" and not care about anyone but myself, but of course I can't do that.

Who does that? Terrible people. I've got enough moral ambiguity in my life that I don't need to add "family abandoner" to the top of that list. And really, do I want to RUN AWAY from my life? No, not really. But I do wish that I knew what it was about driving along on a dark highway that makes me want to keep going until I don't know who I am anymore.

Do you believe in karma?

Do you think that karma exists? Is there really a supernatural or cosmic balancing scale that evens out the good and bad choices we make in life?

I really don't know about karma, but it certainly feels like it exists sometimes. Though, overall, I think there are too many examples of too many evil people getting away with their crimes their entire lives to believe in it. Yet, I suppose if I was getting on-board with karma, those evil doers would come back as cockroaches and get their just returns in their next life.

Anyway, this post really isn't about whether I believe in karma. It's more about my going through a time of comeuppance lately. I made some very selfish decisions last year from July to December and in December I was called out on my self-serving ways by a person who is no longer my friend. It was fair on her part to ditch me. I don't begrudge her anything. I do miss being friends with her and I wish I had never hurt her more than anything.

I have always recognized that I'm a self-centered person and a judgmental one too. I want people to agree with me and I can be pretty harsh toward people who don't view the world the same way I do. It's strange. Some things I know I see as too black and white when I should see a spectrum from one to the other. Then other things I see too many shades of gray where there should only be two colors and a clear line between them. I think the stress I'm going through lately is what I deserve for the choices I made. And the worst part is that I don't regret ALL of my choices, even though I should, I only regret the choice I was called out on. Well, and one other one. But that was more out of embarrassment for being an idiot than anything else.

What does that say about me if I can live with myself like this? I think it says that I'm selfish and I don't always feel guilty when I make certain types of choices. I made three bad decisions last year and even though they were equally self serving, I would only take back two of them. Wow. It's weird to admit that to myself even.

Here's what I'm trying to take away from last year in combination with how I've been feeling lately... It's not worth it to be selfish. I need to realize that it's not fair to the people who you love and care about to choose to act based on what you want and not based on what the right thing is. This well-deserved "karma" I'm dealing with is just a reminder that I really do need to make better choices.

Besides, next time my karma might be a lot worse than feeling stressed...

What do I say?

I couldn't figure out how to start this post. I'm honestly not sure what to say. My life is just too complicated these days to put the whole thing into words.

First, someone I've gotten to know very well since the summer, someone who's almost become one of my best friends, isn't speaking to me. He has his own crap going on in his life, so I can't be selfish and get mad at him, but it hurts my feelings. I feel abandoned and that makes it harder to accept that I shouldn't be "selfish". If that even makes sense. I know that what he is going through it much worse than my petty issues, but despite that, I can't make myself FEEL better about the situation.

Second, someone else I thought was a friend, not as close of a friend, but a friend none-the-less, is treating me badly. I feel like sometimes I want people to like me, which is something everyone does, so I allow them to treat me in a way that's hurtful. I put myself in this situation, I chose it. I realize that. I don't know why I do this to myself though. That's the real question of the day.

Why do I allow certain friends to be awful to me? It only hurts me in the long run. It doesn't build my self esteem or make me into a better person. It just brings me down and confuses me. And it's unhealthy.

I wish I knew how to change the way that I act. I wish that I could figure out how to stop being the way that I am and actually become a better person. I wish I wasn't stuck in my own self generated cycle of pain. I wish I knew what to say.

Holy Fuck

Holy fuck. Do you ever have a day when everything you thought you knew crashed around you like a burning ship? Yes. That was my day. And you know what? I created the fucking flammable ship in the first place. I carefully constructed it out of dreams and hopes without any wood or nails to hold it together. And you know what? Those dreams and hopes burned faster than the driest, frailest wood. I would have been better off to build it out of nylon. Goddamn.

I'm so stupid. That's what I am. Everything has changed. There's no going back. And you know why? Because I'm so stupid. God I am like a big bumbling idiot. Blundering along hoping for the best only to be confronted with an unexpected worst. Literally, I could not have anticipated this if it slapped me in the face and called me its bitch.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH. Holy fuck. Fuck my life.

Why do it?

Here's a question. When you decide to do something, anything, why do you decide to do it?

I believe that this is an essential question that we have to ask ourselves in order to maintain a semblance of control on our own lives. If we never ask why then we must be pulled along by influences greater than ourselves.

Why should I have children? Why should I get married? Why should I take this job? Why should I love someone more than another?

The questions are endless. There are a million directions between here and tomorrow and yet life expects you to start somewhere. Anywhere. Sometimes it feels like I'm just moving along day by day without knowing what brought me to this place. I wonder if I asked myself why enough. Or if I did ask myself, did I really want to know the answer...

I don't know if I want to know the whys about myself some days. I feel like I won't like the answers. I realized lately that I've lost all sense of a moral compass. Ever since I stopped believing in Christian faith I stopped connecting to a greater moral order. I honestly never realized how lost I felt, from an ethical standpoint, until recently when I started asking myself "why am I doing X thing?" And I realized that I have lost my belief structure, which has left me floundering, trying to decide what the right decisions are.

Is it easier just to believe in something, a higher power, a religious organization, in order to give your life structure? To answer the why? Or does it mean that you aren't strong enough to make decisions based on your intellect and experience? To base them on what you've personally experienced and can grasp?

I can't go back to what I grew up in, but I need to find something to hold onto. I suppose I will just have to keep asking myself why before I make decisions and hope I decide for the right reasons.

Risk Taking Behavior

I've thought a lot about the military lately. And the types of people who join it.
I used to have a hard and fast rule of no dating military men (well, when I was single I did) because they are generally untrustworthy in relationships. My logic before was based on the theory that military men are cheaters because they are surrounded by men who encourage or tolerate the behavior.
Disclaimer: I know this is not true for all men. I also have some amazing male friends who are in the military who would never cheat. I've just always assumed they were the very, very rare exception, not the rule.
Also, I always assumed that many military women, especially Navy girls, are promiscuous. I never like to call women "sluts" or "whores" because the same behavior is never painted in the same light when it's men who exercise it. Regardless, I did have a conception of women in the military being women who like to sleep around with the men they serve with (unless they were lesbians, of course).
Back to my theory, I've come to realize in the last year or so, that military men cheat not because they are surrounded by their buddies who tolerate it (well, not solely) but because MOST people who join the military enjoy indulging in risk-taking behaviors. This explains why women in the military have such a bad rep for being slutty and the men have such a bad rep for being cheaters.
I understand that cheating is a choice that no one forces a person to make; however, I think it's interesting as to why certain groups of people are "known" for their extramarital activities. Soldiers, sailors, marines, etc., have always been known or thought of as "womanizers" and why is that? Because the act of being in a military force encourages risk taking. Soldiers who are honored for bravery and courage took risks to earn those accolades. Marines who undertook the greatest invasions accepted overwhelming risks to accomplish the mission. The Navy SEALS who killed Bin Laden took enormous risks that would have reverberated globally if they failed.
It's interesting though, the military strives to embody a set of values that its members do not live up to. The military pushes its men and women to be honest, selfless, and loyal; all traits that do not fall in line with infidelity. Yet, even as men and women in arms move away from using drugs, punish those who engage in reckless violence in combat, work to eradicate sexual harassment and assault, they still cheat regularly. Using drugs is risky. Killing civilians is risky. Harassing a coworker is risky. Yet, these things are falling out of fashion.
But you might say, well, all of those actions are punishable by military and civilian law. True. But military justice makes infidelity (by married service members) a crime too! Why does the military just look the other way? Why do soldiers or sailors who would report drug use not report an unfaithful spouse? Why do the men (and women) who profess their dedication to a higher set of values and preach those values to their subordinates choose to betray the one person they promised to be loyal to? Why does a leader who would die for his or her comrades choose to sleep with someone who is not their spouse?
I certainly don't have an answer, but in the end, I really believe that infidelity in the military is inherently linked to the type of person who is willing and ready to accept the risk of serving in the military...

Playing with fire

It's been an interesting year, to say the least...

I've completely changed my career path, my life's goals, my relationship, my vision for myself. I've followed a very old dream to a very new place and have yet to settle myself into it. I can't explain so much what I'm doing but why I'm doing it. I'm in search of that elusive "better life" or something like it. I'm seeking fulfillment from my career and from my accomplishments that means more to me than working in sales could ever provide. And I'm finally finding it.

Yes. I'm finally on a path that makes sense. One that fits with my talents and one that makes me happy. I love what I do now and I feel like I finally have a vision for my life that makes sense to me. A vision that I can support and truly strive toward with my whole self. Now, it's no perfect vision and it certainly has gaps, but I'm finally aware of a sense of worth that my old career could have never provided.

And then there's my relationship. Ah, he is so wonderful. He's good looking and sexy and smart and driven and good with money and clean cut, etc., etc., etc. We've been together over a year now and since we're old enough and supposedly wise enough, we've been seriously talking about getting engaged. It's another big change because a year ago I would never have pictured myself getting engaged or even being ready to talk about being engaged. And then I met him and everything changed. He's unlike any other man I've ever been with and he stabilizes me. He provides that clear head when my passions run high.

With that said... We've been doing long distance for 4 and a half months now and we have 5 and a half months of long distance to go. It's been very hard to remain connected, emotionally, over such a distance. It's harder too because my work is very consuming and it makes it difficult to always talk on the phone. It makes it even more difficult to visit each other. For example, we've seen each other 2x in the past 4 and a half months... And with all that space has come some doubts for me.

I met someone where I live and while nothing has happened, and I don't intend for anything to happen, he confuses me. He's not better than my boyfriend but there's something about him that peaks my interest. I hate to call it chemistry but that's a good word for it. We work in the same field and have a lot of the same ambitions, so that might be part of his appeal. He is very talkative, which is just like me, whereas my boyfriend is not as much of a "verbalizer" shall we say.

I don't know what I'm doing. I so enjoy spending time with this "other man" but I know it's a terrible risk I'm taking that something might happen. I know I would feel eternally guilty for cheating on my boyfriend and can't bear the thought of it. At the same time, this other guy reminds me of the few things that my boyfriend lacks. Plus the attraction makes me confused. Is it natural to like someone else when you love your partner? Is it the result of the distance? Is it an indicator that something is lacking in my relationship? I just don't know...

I find myself playing with fire and just barely keeping the flames at bay.

I have suddenly turned into Miss Manners...

Oh. My. God. My boyfriend has bad table manners!

Now, I am aware that I'm not perfect, I know that standards are lax now-a-days, and that my parents were stricter than most people's, but still... AH!

So, we go out to a nice dinner for his birthday. Here is my list of issues:

1.) His navy blue undershirt did NOT match his green polo (ok, I know this isn't manners, but annoying all the same)

2.) Elbows on the table while eating

3.) Talking with food in mouth

4.) Clicking his teeth on his fork when he takes a bite!

I was so irritated that I could barely look at him and then I felt super bad because it was his birthday and all I wanted to do was scream, “For God Sakes Man, Get Your Elbows Off the Table and Keep Your Mouth SHUT!”

Plus, I have a problem with compulsively biting my nails, which I have never figured was THAT big of a deal... Well, he does it too and I am so grossed out when I see him do it that I realize how AWFUL I must look. Must cease and desist immediately.

Moving on with the past in tow

I'm not really sure how to put this, but I've been thinking about my ex a lot. No, not in a "I wish we were still together" or "I miss him" kind of way, but more in a regretful, pondering kind of way. It's really odd and I'm not sure quite what I think of it.

As you (assuming you've read other posts in my blog) know, the "artist ex boyfriend" and I have long had lingering attraction, distraction, etc., and I've gone back to thinking about him or talking to him or being with him many times. Thankfully, I've finally moved past that phase in my life and can actually email with him without it ever being inappropriate or without me wishing that we had something more.

But with the most recent ex, it's odd. I mean, we never had crazy, intense passion. We never had a big explosive relationship. We spent 8 months together, mostly hanging out at home, drinking with his friends, and generally being low key. Then, his insecurities drove me away and I dumped him last May... (and hooked up with computer programmer guy, but that is another issue) Yet, all last summer, we were occasionally hooking up and still talking about possibly getting back together. Then, we did, for a month, until I realized (again) that it wasn't going to work out. Then, for the past few months, aka ever since he over shared his feelings of regret via text/found out I had a boyfriend (about whom I'll blog on a later date), he hasn't spoken to me.

I don't know. Even though he was probably the least "attractive" guy I dated, the least driven, the least active, there was a connection there that I simply cannot explain. And now that we don't talk, I don't want to be with him but I kind of want to know that he's doing ok. I kind of miss his funny emails and wish we were on better terms. It's like, I wish I could sit down with him in person and just say, "I'm sorry I treated you badly over the last few months we were involved, and I want you to know that I value you as a person and our time together DID mean something to me." I feel like it's too weird to email him that message because I (in no way) want him to think that I want to date him or that I want something from him. And so, I can't quite get it out of the back of my mind.

Does that even make sense?

Irrational Beliefs and Behavoirs

A friend posed the question to me, "what do you do when you cannot find middle ground between two conflicting viewpoints because one side is so irrational that there isn't a way to reconcile the two sides?" One of her examples is Iran (or Korea) vs the US...

The problem with irrational behaviors and beliefs are that they are fundamentally 'unopen' to rational response.

I mean, if you consider the case of Iran and denying the Holocaust. It is one of the most documented events in history and yet there are people like Ahmadinejad who virulently deny that it happened – crazy!?

Or if you take an example close to home – the batshit crazy Southern Baptists. You can’t reason with people like that...

You can 'rationally' state their motivations – i.e. spawn hatred against the Jews or that black people are inferior – but that doesn’t mean that you can provide a solution that suits both parties because solutions can’t serve irrational and rational goals at the same time. PLUS, to make matters more difficult, because you come from a rational viewpoint, your attempt to stand on middle ground and ‘understand’ their viewpoint is basically impossible.

Talk about your BIG questions in life. If I had the answer to this question, I would be the Nobel Peace Prize Winner and a whole lot richer...

I need to learn how to be catty...

I recently attended a dance event and I had a drama-filled moment straight out of "Mean Girls."

So, my roommate has been mixed up in a love triangle with a guy (her half Indian-half Black lover) who is also involved with a slutty dancer. Well, recently, the guy has almost exclusively spent his time with my roommate and has started to avoid Slutty at dance events... to a degree.

Now, I have to give you background on this girl so you get the full picture. She is the ULTIMATE slutty bitch. She pretends she doesn't know you to make herself feel cool (even if she has met you a dozen times), she talks loudly about her sexual exploits and occasionally strips at blues parties (risque even for a slutty scene) and is slender with emo-looking long, black hair and pale skin. She loves attention and mostly hates girls who aren't her puppies (TOTAL Regina George without being blond)

Alright, so we're at the Friday night late night dance and I'm talking to my boyfriend's roommate. Slutty slides up to her (the boyfriend's roommate) purposely with her back away from me to cut me out of the conversation I was having. She sort of turns when the roommate introduces me (side note: she knows who I am perfectly well), and it goes like this...

Me (loudly) "oh no, you know me, I'm [my roommate's name here]'s roommate."
Her (distainful look) "who?"
Me (evil glint in my eye) "You know, [name], [the guy]'s main lady"
Her (pissy look) "oh, I don't pay ATTENTION to people like that"
My boyfriend's roomie (totally oblivious, as always) "[me] has her own brown man"
(seriously, who says that?! My boyfriend is half Asian)
Me "Oh, yes, I'm dating [him]"
Her (catty look) "ooooooooooh, I knoow him (dramatic pause) INtimately"

ACK!!!!!!!!!!!! I know she's fucked everyone in the dance scene, but AAAAAAACK! I just smiled and then she wandered away. But man I was PISSED! My boyfriend has always been very clear that he thinks she is a manipulative slut and I find out (from her!) that he has banged her! EW!

I talked to him about it (apparently it was 4 years ago when he was super drunk and didn't know who she was). After I explained what Slutty had said to me, he got super upset at her for pulling something like that and now refuses to speak to her even more pointedly than he had before this. lol.

My knew-jerk response to it is revulsion combined with annoyance that he didn't tell me first, but then again, it's not like I haven't slept with guys who I wouldn't want other people to know about. ;-)

As a side note, when I saw her the next night, I just gave her a nice smile and walked past, and did she look angry. mahahahahah. It was worth it to get my jab in for my roommate ;-)

Point of story... It was THE cattiest experience of my life and it taught me that I need more snappy comebacks (ha).

Friendship is a funny thing...

Well, I have not written in a while, but here I go again… I have officially gone overboard regarding the ex-boyfriend-artist and am writing yet an(other) blog about it. I guess, as usual, I'm over thinking and thus emoting (via the cold, heartless medium of the web)

I know that things got a bit out-of-line between us last year (an emotional affair is, after all, generally considered worse than a physical one) and that that could be why he has scaled back on our friendship (he stopped talking to me, yet again, when I left for Europe)

or it could be that I have a boyfriend

or that he got tired of my friendship

or that he felt awkward

And this is what has always been so odd for me in regards to his and my interactions over the past 3 and 1/2 years (I'm counting that as since the first time that we broke up, ha). It drives me INSANE that there is hardly ever a good answer for why he stops talking to me or why he doesn’t respond for months and then suddenly changes his mind. And while I appreciate (and frankly, admire) his ability to drop off the face of the Earth, it still sits uncomfortably with me (aka makes me go slightly crazy thinking it over, sigh).

It's just that I'm such a different type of communicator... I can’t just stop talking to someone. It’s nearly impossible. I go on and on and on and babble and explain and meander through ideas, but in the end, when he pulls back, it's a mystery. Now, it’s not like I’m asking for some deep, spiritual insight into the inner-workings of his "am I talking to her or not" psyche, but it IS a little over-the-top. And yes, I know that his whole ‘artist’ persona is over-the-top so to speak, but after finally watching 'Vicky Christina Barcelona' combined with several experiences of late, I have decided that I just don't care.

Here's what I know - I thoroughly enjoy being in conversation with him, I find him stimulating and intriguing, I know that he and I both need to be with someone OTHER than each other, and I miss it when he’s not somewhere in the framework of my life.

Is that so wrong?

Here is my thought... We're both in relationships, which is great. Can’t we still be friends and have interesting, thought-provoking conversations without straying into dangerous territory?! If however, he is tired of my friendship and doesn’t find me interesting at this time, I will have to just accept that.

I guess that I realized that I like having people in my life who love art and ideas and creativity, and those people don't come along very often. To be cliché, life is too short to not experience it to its fullest.

Making out and saving face

Here goes... On Halloween, I made friends with this attractive dancer guy who I didn’t see again until I went out dancing last week. My roommate was with me of course, and he invited me to go do karaoke with some other dancers. I brought the roommie along, of course. It was fun and they have a lot in common about music, but he and I were definitely flirting. He ended up hanging out until like 3 am. During the evening, he got my roommate's number because I was driving and he wanted to be able to call if he got separated.

So, then, Saturday night, roommate and I went to a blues party. I drank a fair amount and was rather drunk during the party. I was being my normal self, dancing with lots of people, having a good time, and ended up making out with the guy in a hallway. He was definitely drunk too, and my roommate apparently saw us kissing, which she mentioned to me on the ride home. Now, that’s all fine and fun, but yesterday, the guy (who also spent quite a while talking/dancing with my roommie at the party) asked her to hang out after she got off work, and she agreed.

Now, don’t you think that’s a little weird? I mean, she SEES me making out with him and the next day, goes out with him… She claimed that they were just “hanging out” but come on. A guy calls and asks you to hang out one-on-one if he likes you. Now, I wasn’t totally surprised because I saw the interest when he started talking with her more about music. BUT if the situation had been reversed, Alissa would have been unbelievably pissed off at me. I mean, she would have been SO hurt and mad. Yet, when it’s her getting the attention and her getting the phone call, she’s immediately playing like she’s unaware of what the situation really is about. I told her that I’m not mad, which I’m not, it’s more annoyed than angry.

Part of me feels like this is payback. Freshman year of college, she had a major crush on a mutual friend of ours, which I didn’t really know too much about because she and I weren’t super close friends then. I ended up making out with him a few times at parties at the start of the next year, which apparently really upset her, even though she knew that he didn’t like her back. Then, well, she was involved with this OTHER mutual friend, who she was secretly in love with, but who was not interested in having a relationship with her. A year or so later, he was interested in me and even though I didn’t sleep with him, the roommate knew we had a little dalliance and was hurt by it. So, I feel like maybe the passive-aggressive part of her is secretly or even subconsciously getting payback. And so, in that sense, I don’t fault her because I did fuck up in the past.

And to be honest, it kind of bruises my ego as well, I’ll admit. Your roommate gets called by the guy you made out with?? Really?? Am I that uninteresting?! Here’s the thing, I feel more frustrated with myself for making out with him after I’d been drinking than about the fact that he called her. I feel like sometimes I sell myself short when I act like that. Also, I guess I realize that some guys think that her cute, little, innocent act is more appealing than the more forward, intense (and occasionally drunk) personality that I have, and in cases like this, I feel like I should be more controlled and less drunkenly rambunctious.

So, last night, after they hung out doing whatever, they came back to our apartment to play the Wii. It was already 11 pm so I needed to get sleep. So, I pulled my hair into a cute headband, slipped on PJ shorts that I know look good, and your fav blue sweatshirt with no bra, zipped down a little bit low… And pranced out in the living room to give him a hug (and a chance to check out my ass, which he did) and the pranced off to bed like everything was just fine. It was shallow and terrible, but I guess I was looking for a way to salvage a little bit of my ego...

Someone wake me up

I feel incredibly lethargic about my life lately.

Wish I knew why, but instead I mope when I’m not at work and don’t focus when I am.

Sad.

And I’m having an affair without the sex. Bad idea all around.

I feel trapped in a waiting game that I never agreed to play.

Wanting to walk away...

I had a meltdown at practice last night.

I was working on my jumping roundhouse and was having trouble with the timing. All of a sudden, I said (dramatically), “I can’t DO this” and half-ran out of the gym. I ended up sitting on the locker room floor in tears. I get frustrated when I can’t get everything quite right, but I think it was more than the sport.

So, yesterday, my artist ex texted me to tell me he was out of town with his girlfriend until Sunday and thus needs to “lay low” on communicating with me. And you know? It makes me feel like crap. Basically, I can go along and feel fine about our little clandestine conversations and then all of a sudden, feel slapped in the face with the very clear reminder that we are NOT together, and he IS together with someone.

I mean, I always know that that’s the way it is, so-to-speak, but it’s easy to feel fine about everything until something like this comes up. I know that he and I don’t work well together, but in my deepest heart-of-hearts I have this little place where I hold out for the “perfect” ending to all this and we live happily ever after.

But you know what, that’s not the reality. The reality is that he lives with a woman who loves him. The reality is that he and I end up fighting a lot when we’re together. The reality is that I don’t believe in living together before marriage and he doesn’t believe in marriage. The reality is that he and I are not going to have a “happily ever after.”

Recently, I’ve been on the “I’m leaving in a year so it’s all good” track with this whole thing, but now I realize that I’m fooling myself. I’m miserable with the situation. I’m lying to myself when I say that we can just be friends, and I’m hurting myself. I know that I like that he finds me “exciting” and “inspiring” enough to pull him away from his girlfriend and keep our relationship a secret, but I also hate that very same thing. I don’t want to be the “side woman,” the “second best” choice, and I know that I am when it comes down to it.

I know that my slate isn’t “clean” when he is involved, and I can see that I’ve gotten myself back into a situation where I’m emotionally invested in the outcome. Goddamn it!!! I hate that I can’t seem to break myself free of this ‘relationship’ and I’m sick and tired of WANTING things to “work out” when I rationally realize that they aren’t going to.

Why, I ask myself, why? I guess I don’t know how to walk away even though it’s what I want.

DANGER Will Robinson!

So, the red flag needs to be taken OUT of the box and be waved in front of my face!

Despite my recent proclamation of single happiness, I seem to have a little scandal developing on the side. And of course, it’s revolving around the ex-boyfriend, the artist, who I can’t seem to keep out of my life.

Over the last couple months, we’ve been chatting again, and it’s gotten up to a daily, many times a day, conversation. Then, he stopped by my parents’ house to say hi a month ago when I was there. Then he came over last Friday night to hang out with me. And it’s all on the sly from his current, LIVE-IN girlfriend. And NOW, our innocent texting has gotten a slightly scandalous bent and I can’t seem to stop myself!

Here’s what happened… I was talking to him about this secret blog and how no one will ever read it because there are things about them that I might have written and don’t feel like sharing – him included. So, I got a text when I woke up this morning that appeared to have been sent at 3 am. It said “I think I know you well enough to know what you think of me. Can’t talk anymore…”

I was like WTF? Did he have a dramatic moment in the middle of the night and decide that he *gasp* can’t be ‘friends’ anymore? So, I texted him back and this has been the convo since then…

Me: I hope I misunderstand your last text. I think that you took my blogging comments all out of context, and would be upset if our friendship was ended over that.
Him: No rere! [Girlfriend's name removed] came home
(wow is he hiding this or WHAT)
Me: lol, I thought you might have been having a dramatic moment – I didn’t get the text until 3 am…
Him: You were up late
Me: No, I got the text this morning. I was definitely asleep at 3 am
Him: Strange
Me: Indeed, which is WHY I thought, oh geez, he’s having a dramatic moment at 3 am
Him: No! Fu lady! I hate you for even thinking it.
(this is him joking around)
Me: Yah right, as IF you’ve never had a ridiculous notion at 3 am ;-)
Him: And I woke you up for a couple of them
(AH! Why the sudden infusion of sexual references…)
Me: By ridiculous, I don’t mean things I enjoy bc those are always appreciated
(I AM playing with fire!!)
Him: Yes they were…
Me: Don’t be TOO proud of yourself. I was an active contributor
(why God, why?! I have an inability to stop myself)
Him: ha. I know how to…
Me: to what? It’s not like you didn’t enjoy yourself :-P
(oh geez! My feminine ego/wiles kicked in)
Him: Always do
Me: Always a plus
(what the eff? ALWAYS A PLUS?! WHAT AM I DOING!?)

It’s now time to WAVE THE RED FLAG! DANGER AHEAD!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Then, damage control semi kicked in...

Him: You love it
Me: Did then, assume I would now
Him: You will
Me: I know
(Realizing that we’re dangerously close to implicating agreeing to have an affair, Vicky Christina Barcelona aside, I begin to attempt some damage control before it gets out of hand completely)
Me: But it’s all hypothetical, of course
Him: Most things are
Me : True, but it does make life a little less spicy :-P Sometimes I wish that everything was real.
(clearly, previous attempt at damage control ‘damaged’ by this statement)
Him: More spicy you mean? And what do you want real?
Me: I do enjoy spice in my life, and real, well, that remains to be seen
(here is my pathetic attempt to backpedal my previous statement)
Him: Need help with that?
Me: I’m open to suggestions
(while my rational brain screams, “No, No I am not” but is overpowered by my crazy brain)
Him: I suggest you get help
(ah, playing coy or also backpedaling?)
Me: Well, I guess that I’ll keep that in mind
Him: That does not help your “real” dilemma.
Me: True, but unless you’re volunteering, ha, I’ve got no one HERE who’s interesting enough to make a dent

*bangs head on desk*

Is this really the 21st century?

I've been noticing an odd trend on the interweb... Everyday I check MSN.com and I see flurries of "advice on relationship" articles. Everything from "Spot Relationship Road Bumps" to "8 New Love Truths You Must Know" to "How to Tell if a Guy is Cheating"...

WTF?

Why is it that women are given all these seemingly dated "tips" on how to catch, keep, and make sure your man stays? I mean, in the article about spotting potential "roadblocks" in your budding relationship, it basically told women how to manipulate the men they date into getting into/staying in a relationship. What has happened to honesty? And I don't mean the 1990s-scary-feminist honesty where women go dutch on everything, expect their boyfriends to treat them like bland equals (doesn't work in the bedroom if there aren't gender roles, in my opinion) and yell if a door is opened for them. I mean, what happened to being honest about what we want and being relaxed on the path to getting there? Are these articles trying to tell us that we, women today, have nothing going on in our lives other than the 1950s-esque pursuit of a man? That we need to "find" something to do when we "feign" being busy so he doesn't feel pressured? DON'T WE HAVE THINGS TO DO?! God knows I do.

I'm certainly no expert on relationships, even though too many of my friends seem to think that I am, but really, can we please stop with the mind games and act like the 21st-century adults we are...

Feeling the blues...

So, it's been a while since I've written here, and I feel that I need to just vent some things, get them off my chest, so-to-speak.

First, I know I shouldn’t get the “everyone around me” is doing better than I am feeling, but it’s just so weird to see so many people I went to high school with (who all went to fancy, private universities, which always makes me feel a little badly) running off and getting married and engaged or whatever. I don't want to be married, but it makes me feel like maybe I'm missing a gene or something. Am I so pathetic that I can't find someone who wants to be with me.

I think that with the current boyfriend, at this point, I don’t want to hurt him more than I want to get out. Yes, we got back together, and now I'm not sure why. I see him maybe 2x per week and there’s really no one else who has sparked my interest, so I figure it’ll hurt him less for now. I know that's a terrible way to look at it. He IS fun one-on-one and I do enjoy our time together.

I don’t know WHAT the computer guy is doing still here, but I’m just not going to spend time with him again unless it’s getting coffee to say a last “good-bye” before he moves away. I feel a little ugh about sleeping with him anyway. The ex-boyfriend artist is certainly in the past, but it just reminds me how I wasn’t good “enough” to be worth his long-term time. I know that people don’t change for you, generally, but sometimes I wish someone would.

Then, I've been feeling oddly jealous of my roommate - a woman I've never felt even remotely jealous of in the past. Our neighbor is clearly into her and is flirting with her all over the place. I guess, it's weird for me because normally I’m fairly appalled by her choice in men, and just get annoyed when she’s all over them because they give her the littlest attention in return. I’m just not used to her going for guys that I actually think are decent, DATEBALE men (she’s gone for guys I thought were attractive before, but not actually date-worthy). Her innocent, never take it anywhere, ever does bug me, but maybe I should set the same standard for myself.

Part of my slump comes from hanging out with my neighbors, aside from the flirting with my roommate, because they actually have skills. One is an amazing musician, and the other is a really skilled handyman, and those are just their hobbies! I feel like I don’t have any one thing that I’m really good at and I don’t feel like my skill set is all that special anyway. I’m a decent, but not record-setting salesperson, I was a strong, but not exception student, I’m cute, but not beautiful, I’m intelligent, but not brilliant, I’m motivated, but not truly driven, etc. I know that I can change things about my life and work harder, but sometimes I realize that it’s just not “in me” and I feel that I can’t really get any more out of life because I have nothing “great” to put into living. I know that sounds all dire and pessimistic, but I’m just noting that some people have talents that sometimes I wish I possessed. You know, maybe part of it is that I feel like I never REALLY get the things that I want the most in life.

On a little different note, I think our culture certainly influences us to feel the need to be sexual beings more than we should be. It’s weird because most Europeans seem to be sexy looking, but without the feeling that they need to act on it. I feel like I have been too lax about sex and I need to get a grip on that aspect of my personality. I do enjoy sex, but I think that I have “slept around” (outside my 4 actual relationships) more than other girls is because I also do enjoy feeling sexy and wanted in that way. It probably stems from when I had bad body image back when I was 14 or so, and not realizing that men found me attractive, really, until college. Then maybe the last couple years I just went a little overboard because I realized that I could work my ‘feminine wiles’ and took them too far.

Ever Been Alone?

I realized today, as I lounged in my lukewarm bath, that I have never been alone (as in single, REALLY single) since my first real kiss at the age of 16. SIXTEEN! Now, there have been periods when I wasn't with a "boyfriend," and in the past, I've always considered those times as the moments when I was on my own. Alone. Doing the single thing.

But I thought today, wait, does it count as single if there's always a guy around? I mean, I always had a flirtation, someone who wanted me, or who I wanted, in between the boyfriends. Now, I didn't sleep with all of them, some I did. In the end though, I have never, ever been without.

Now, I realize that some people would like to have this problem, if that's what it is. I know what you must be thinking, how sad, a girl with too many options, gee, tough life. Really, though, what does it say about me? I always love the times when I'm not in a committed relationship just as much as when I'm in one, and when I don't have a boyfriend, I never feel pressure to go out and find one. In reality, I've hurt more guys than have hurt me.

I don't have a Daddy-complex to speak of, my father was always around, supportive and loving, never abusive. I don't have low self-esteem. What is it then? Why the continual dating?

Or perhaps, I just enjoy guys, and have been told by society that "being single" is critical. Maybe society tells me that because of the vestiges of the feminist movement that want women to be independent. After all, I've never been supported by a guy. I've never had a man pay for any of my expenses or buy me things I couldn't afford for myself. I've never moved in with a boyfriend.

... Which is the right "answer"?

Surprising Compliment

Last weekend, I was leaving a bar with my boyfriend and friends, and when I walked outside (separated from the group) a guy looked straight at me and said, "You're hot!" 

Wow, it was weird to be addressed so strongly by a stranger (albeit a drunk one), but flattering, so I said, "Thank you."

He was so excited! He said, "See! [to his friend] That's what I mean! This other girl was a bitch to me and she didn't need to be."

I smiled and continued walking, but it made me think. Why ARE women so quick, generally, to treat men harshly when they compliment us? Have we allowed feminism to make us cold? Are we so afraid of "bad men" that we can't accept a compliment?

I certainly don't have that answer, but from now on, my policy is: thank you.