Holy fuck. Do you ever have a day when everything you thought you knew crashed around you like a burning ship? Yes. That was my day. And you know what? I created the fucking flammable ship in the first place. I carefully constructed it out of dreams and hopes without any wood or nails to hold it together. And you know what? Those dreams and hopes burned faster than the driest, frailest wood. I would have been better off to build it out of nylon. Goddamn.
I'm so stupid. That's what I am. Everything has changed. There's no going back. And you know why? Because I'm so stupid. God I am like a big bumbling idiot. Blundering along hoping for the best only to be confronted with an unexpected worst. Literally, I could not have anticipated this if it slapped me in the face and called me its bitch.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH. Holy fuck. Fuck my life.
Showing posts with label Men and Women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Men and Women. Show all posts
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Risk Taking Behavior
I've thought a lot about the military lately. And the types of people who join it.
I used to have a hard and fast rule of no dating military men (well, when I was single I did) because they are generally untrustworthy in relationships. My logic before was based on the theory that military men are cheaters because they are surrounded by men who encourage or tolerate the behavior.
Disclaimer: I know this is not true for all men. I also have some amazing male friends who are in the military who would never cheat. I've just always assumed they were the very, very rare exception, not the rule.
Also, I always assumed that many military women, especially Navy girls, are promiscuous. I never like to call women "sluts" or "whores" because the same behavior is never painted in the same light when it's men who exercise it. Regardless, I did have a conception of women in the military being women who like to sleep around with the men they serve with (unless they were lesbians, of course).
Back to my theory, I've come to realize in the last year or so, that military men cheat not because they are surrounded by their buddies who tolerate it (well, not solely) but because MOST people who join the military enjoy indulging in risk-taking behaviors. This explains why women in the military have such a bad rep for being slutty and the men have such a bad rep for being cheaters.
I understand that cheating is a choice that no one forces a person to make; however, I think it's interesting as to why certain groups of people are "known" for their extramarital activities. Soldiers, sailors, marines, etc., have always been known or thought of as "womanizers" and why is that? Because the act of being in a military force encourages risk taking. Soldiers who are honored for bravery and courage took risks to earn those accolades. Marines who undertook the greatest invasions accepted overwhelming risks to accomplish the mission. The Navy SEALS who killed Bin Laden took enormous risks that would have reverberated globally if they failed.
It's interesting though, the military strives to embody a set of values that its members do not live up to. The military pushes its men and women to be honest, selfless, and loyal; all traits that do not fall in line with infidelity. Yet, even as men and women in arms move away from using drugs, punish those who engage in reckless violence in combat, work to eradicate sexual harassment and assault, they still cheat regularly. Using drugs is risky. Killing civilians is risky. Harassing a coworker is risky. Yet, these things are falling out of fashion.
But you might say, well, all of those actions are punishable by military and civilian law. True. But military justice makes infidelity (by married service members) a crime too! Why does the military just look the other way? Why do soldiers or sailors who would report drug use not report an unfaithful spouse? Why do the men (and women) who profess their dedication to a higher set of values and preach those values to their subordinates choose to betray the one person they promised to be loyal to? Why does a leader who would die for his or her comrades choose to sleep with someone who is not their spouse?
I certainly don't have an answer, but in the end, I really believe that infidelity in the military is inherently linked to the type of person who is willing and ready to accept the risk of serving in the military...
I used to have a hard and fast rule of no dating military men (well, when I was single I did) because they are generally untrustworthy in relationships. My logic before was based on the theory that military men are cheaters because they are surrounded by men who encourage or tolerate the behavior.
Disclaimer: I know this is not true for all men. I also have some amazing male friends who are in the military who would never cheat. I've just always assumed they were the very, very rare exception, not the rule.
Also, I always assumed that many military women, especially Navy girls, are promiscuous. I never like to call women "sluts" or "whores" because the same behavior is never painted in the same light when it's men who exercise it. Regardless, I did have a conception of women in the military being women who like to sleep around with the men they serve with (unless they were lesbians, of course).
Back to my theory, I've come to realize in the last year or so, that military men cheat not because they are surrounded by their buddies who tolerate it (well, not solely) but because MOST people who join the military enjoy indulging in risk-taking behaviors. This explains why women in the military have such a bad rep for being slutty and the men have such a bad rep for being cheaters.
I understand that cheating is a choice that no one forces a person to make; however, I think it's interesting as to why certain groups of people are "known" for their extramarital activities. Soldiers, sailors, marines, etc., have always been known or thought of as "womanizers" and why is that? Because the act of being in a military force encourages risk taking. Soldiers who are honored for bravery and courage took risks to earn those accolades. Marines who undertook the greatest invasions accepted overwhelming risks to accomplish the mission. The Navy SEALS who killed Bin Laden took enormous risks that would have reverberated globally if they failed.
It's interesting though, the military strives to embody a set of values that its members do not live up to. The military pushes its men and women to be honest, selfless, and loyal; all traits that do not fall in line with infidelity. Yet, even as men and women in arms move away from using drugs, punish those who engage in reckless violence in combat, work to eradicate sexual harassment and assault, they still cheat regularly. Using drugs is risky. Killing civilians is risky. Harassing a coworker is risky. Yet, these things are falling out of fashion.
But you might say, well, all of those actions are punishable by military and civilian law. True. But military justice makes infidelity (by married service members) a crime too! Why does the military just look the other way? Why do soldiers or sailors who would report drug use not report an unfaithful spouse? Why do the men (and women) who profess their dedication to a higher set of values and preach those values to their subordinates choose to betray the one person they promised to be loyal to? Why does a leader who would die for his or her comrades choose to sleep with someone who is not their spouse?
I certainly don't have an answer, but in the end, I really believe that infidelity in the military is inherently linked to the type of person who is willing and ready to accept the risk of serving in the military...
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Frustration and Irritation
It's so irritating when the person with whom you're in a relationship cannot seem to understand what you do. I have a very specific career right now (yes, I know it's been MONTHS since I last blogged) and I'm not always able to share every single detail with my boyfriend (no, not the one with bad manners, broke up with that one over a year ago and have been dating the current one since May 2009). He needs to just deal with it and realize that we don't need to share every single minute detail to be close.
AGH!
But then again, maybe I'm just irritated because I'm confused. Things are VERY serious with this boyfriend. More serious than I've ever been with anyone else. So serious my mother is basically planning a wedding (despite the fact that I am NOT engaged yet) and my family has talked to me about my relationship a thousand times of late. The thing is, I don't feel ready to be engaged. I'm not certain that this guy is The One. I don't think he's not but I'm so buried in my career at the moment that it's hard for me to make such a major decision. Really. I know it sounds like a cop out but I just can't deal with the concept of being married. I'm just not prepared to be a married lady.
Well, I mean, part of me can definitely see myself being married to this boyfriend. I can see the little kids (ack!) running around a lawn with a boat and an SUV parked next to the urban home; however, I can just as easily see me owning my own fabulous condo and working a crazy international job where I'm hardly ever in the U.S. I just can't make the decision on how I want my life to look, at least not quite yet, not with so much to do for my career, and I feel like I'm getting swept toward making a decision. I'm irritated that I don't know how to cope with this level of seriousness and I'm frustrated that I'm being pushed along almost against my will.
I feel like I don't know how to say that I'm not ready and I'm afraid that things won't go well because I feel pressured to be "ready." I feel like if I'm totally honest about my doubts with my family that they'll simply assume the relationship won't work and then I'll never get their support for it when I am ready. I know that sounds stupid, but they are very black & white about these kind of things and it's extremely difficult to be honest.
So, what is my biggest concern, other than my career? It's his type of intelligence. He is very smart, but in a totally different way than I am and I get irritated sometimes when he doesn't understand things the way that I do. Also, he's not as verbal as I am and so sometimes he doesn't express himself very well. I want other people to think he's smart and to respect him and I'm not totally sure that they do. I know my family has been concerned that he's too "quiet" for me, which isn't true. Yet, I like having a partner of whom other people think highly. Once people get to know him they really like him, but it's that first impression that isn't always strong.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm frustrated that I don't know. I'm irritated that I can't get a handle on it.
I simply don't know.
AGH!
But then again, maybe I'm just irritated because I'm confused. Things are VERY serious with this boyfriend. More serious than I've ever been with anyone else. So serious my mother is basically planning a wedding (despite the fact that I am NOT engaged yet) and my family has talked to me about my relationship a thousand times of late. The thing is, I don't feel ready to be engaged. I'm not certain that this guy is The One. I don't think he's not but I'm so buried in my career at the moment that it's hard for me to make such a major decision. Really. I know it sounds like a cop out but I just can't deal with the concept of being married. I'm just not prepared to be a married lady.
Well, I mean, part of me can definitely see myself being married to this boyfriend. I can see the little kids (ack!) running around a lawn with a boat and an SUV parked next to the urban home; however, I can just as easily see me owning my own fabulous condo and working a crazy international job where I'm hardly ever in the U.S. I just can't make the decision on how I want my life to look, at least not quite yet, not with so much to do for my career, and I feel like I'm getting swept toward making a decision. I'm irritated that I don't know how to cope with this level of seriousness and I'm frustrated that I'm being pushed along almost against my will.
I feel like I don't know how to say that I'm not ready and I'm afraid that things won't go well because I feel pressured to be "ready." I feel like if I'm totally honest about my doubts with my family that they'll simply assume the relationship won't work and then I'll never get their support for it when I am ready. I know that sounds stupid, but they are very black & white about these kind of things and it's extremely difficult to be honest.
So, what is my biggest concern, other than my career? It's his type of intelligence. He is very smart, but in a totally different way than I am and I get irritated sometimes when he doesn't understand things the way that I do. Also, he's not as verbal as I am and so sometimes he doesn't express himself very well. I want other people to think he's smart and to respect him and I'm not totally sure that they do. I know my family has been concerned that he's too "quiet" for me, which isn't true. Yet, I like having a partner of whom other people think highly. Once people get to know him they really like him, but it's that first impression that isn't always strong.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm frustrated that I don't know. I'm irritated that I can't get a handle on it.
I simply don't know.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Moving on with the past in tow
I'm not really sure how to put this, but I've been thinking about my ex a lot. No, not in a "I wish we were still together" or "I miss him" kind of way, but more in a regretful, pondering kind of way. It's really odd and I'm not sure quite what I think of it.
As you (assuming you've read other posts in my blog) know, the "artist ex boyfriend" and I have long had lingering attraction, distraction, etc., and I've gone back to thinking about him or talking to him or being with him many times. Thankfully, I've finally moved past that phase in my life and can actually email with him without it ever being inappropriate or without me wishing that we had something more.
But with the most recent ex, it's odd. I mean, we never had crazy, intense passion. We never had a big explosive relationship. We spent 8 months together, mostly hanging out at home, drinking with his friends, and generally being low key. Then, his insecurities drove me away and I dumped him last May... (and hooked up with computer programmer guy, but that is another issue) Yet, all last summer, we were occasionally hooking up and still talking about possibly getting back together. Then, we did, for a month, until I realized (again) that it wasn't going to work out. Then, for the past few months, aka ever since he over shared his feelings of regret via text/found out I had a boyfriend (about whom I'll blog on a later date), he hasn't spoken to me.
I don't know. Even though he was probably the least "attractive" guy I dated, the least driven, the least active, there was a connection there that I simply cannot explain. And now that we don't talk, I don't want to be with him but I kind of want to know that he's doing ok. I kind of miss his funny emails and wish we were on better terms. It's like, I wish I could sit down with him in person and just say, "I'm sorry I treated you badly over the last few months we were involved, and I want you to know that I value you as a person and our time together DID mean something to me." I feel like it's too weird to email him that message because I (in no way) want him to think that I want to date him or that I want something from him. And so, I can't quite get it out of the back of my mind.
Does that even make sense?
As you (assuming you've read other posts in my blog) know, the "artist ex boyfriend" and I have long had lingering attraction, distraction, etc., and I've gone back to thinking about him or talking to him or being with him many times. Thankfully, I've finally moved past that phase in my life and can actually email with him without it ever being inappropriate or without me wishing that we had something more.
But with the most recent ex, it's odd. I mean, we never had crazy, intense passion. We never had a big explosive relationship. We spent 8 months together, mostly hanging out at home, drinking with his friends, and generally being low key. Then, his insecurities drove me away and I dumped him last May... (and hooked up with computer programmer guy, but that is another issue) Yet, all last summer, we were occasionally hooking up and still talking about possibly getting back together. Then, we did, for a month, until I realized (again) that it wasn't going to work out. Then, for the past few months, aka ever since he over shared his feelings of regret via text/found out I had a boyfriend (about whom I'll blog on a later date), he hasn't spoken to me.
I don't know. Even though he was probably the least "attractive" guy I dated, the least driven, the least active, there was a connection there that I simply cannot explain. And now that we don't talk, I don't want to be with him but I kind of want to know that he's doing ok. I kind of miss his funny emails and wish we were on better terms. It's like, I wish I could sit down with him in person and just say, "I'm sorry I treated you badly over the last few months we were involved, and I want you to know that I value you as a person and our time together DID mean something to me." I feel like it's too weird to email him that message because I (in no way) want him to think that I want to date him or that I want something from him. And so, I can't quite get it out of the back of my mind.
Does that even make sense?
Friday, March 13, 2009
I need to learn how to be catty...
I recently attended a dance event and I had a drama-filled moment straight out of "Mean Girls."
So, my roommate has been mixed up in a love triangle with a guy (her half Indian-half Black lover) who is also involved with a slutty dancer. Well, recently, the guy has almost exclusively spent his time with my roommate and has started to avoid Slutty at dance events... to a degree.
Now, I have to give you background on this girl so you get the full picture. She is the ULTIMATE slutty bitch. She pretends she doesn't know you to make herself feel cool (even if she has met you a dozen times), she talks loudly about her sexual exploits and occasionally strips at blues parties (risque even for a slutty scene) and is slender with emo-looking long, black hair and pale skin. She loves attention and mostly hates girls who aren't her puppies (TOTAL Regina George without being blond)
Alright, so we're at the Friday night late night dance and I'm talking to my boyfriend's roommate. Slutty slides up to her (the boyfriend's roommate) purposely with her back away from me to cut me out of the conversation I was having. She sort of turns when the roommate introduces me (side note: she knows who I am perfectly well), and it goes like this...
Me (loudly) "oh no, you know me, I'm [my roommate's name here]'s roommate."
Her (distainful look) "who?"
Me (evil glint in my eye) "You know, [name], [the guy]'s main lady"
Her (pissy look) "oh, I don't pay ATTENTION to people like that"
My boyfriend's roomie (totally oblivious, as always) "[me] has her own brown man"
(seriously, who says that?! My boyfriend is half Asian)
Me "Oh, yes, I'm dating [him]"
Her (catty look) "ooooooooooh, I knoow him (dramatic pause) INtimately"
ACK!!!!!!!!!!!! I know she's fucked everyone in the dance scene, but AAAAAAACK! I just smiled and then she wandered away. But man I was PISSED! My boyfriend has always been very clear that he thinks she is a manipulative slut and I find out (from her!) that he has banged her! EW!
I talked to him about it (apparently it was 4 years ago when he was super drunk and didn't know who she was). After I explained what Slutty had said to me, he got super upset at her for pulling something like that and now refuses to speak to her even more pointedly than he had before this. lol.
My knew-jerk response to it is revulsion combined with annoyance that he didn't tell me first, but then again, it's not like I haven't slept with guys who I wouldn't want other people to know about. ;-)
As a side note, when I saw her the next night, I just gave her a nice smile and walked past, and did she look angry. mahahahahah. It was worth it to get my jab in for my roommate ;-)
Point of story... It was THE cattiest experience of my life and it taught me that I need more snappy comebacks (ha).
So, my roommate has been mixed up in a love triangle with a guy (her half Indian-half Black lover) who is also involved with a slutty dancer. Well, recently, the guy has almost exclusively spent his time with my roommate and has started to avoid Slutty at dance events... to a degree.
Now, I have to give you background on this girl so you get the full picture. She is the ULTIMATE slutty bitch. She pretends she doesn't know you to make herself feel cool (even if she has met you a dozen times), she talks loudly about her sexual exploits and occasionally strips at blues parties (risque even for a slutty scene) and is slender with emo-looking long, black hair and pale skin. She loves attention and mostly hates girls who aren't her puppies (TOTAL Regina George without being blond)
Alright, so we're at the Friday night late night dance and I'm talking to my boyfriend's roommate. Slutty slides up to her (the boyfriend's roommate) purposely with her back away from me to cut me out of the conversation I was having. She sort of turns when the roommate introduces me (side note: she knows who I am perfectly well), and it goes like this...
Me (loudly) "oh no, you know me, I'm [my roommate's name here]'s roommate."
Her (distainful look) "who?"
Me (evil glint in my eye) "You know, [name], [the guy]'s main lady"
Her (pissy look) "oh, I don't pay ATTENTION to people like that"
My boyfriend's roomie (totally oblivious, as always) "[me] has her own brown man"
(seriously, who says that?! My boyfriend is half Asian)
Me "Oh, yes, I'm dating [him]"
Her (catty look) "ooooooooooh, I knoow him (dramatic pause) INtimately"
ACK!!!!!!!!!!!! I know she's fucked everyone in the dance scene, but AAAAAAACK! I just smiled and then she wandered away. But man I was PISSED! My boyfriend has always been very clear that he thinks she is a manipulative slut and I find out (from her!) that he has banged her! EW!
I talked to him about it (apparently it was 4 years ago when he was super drunk and didn't know who she was). After I explained what Slutty had said to me, he got super upset at her for pulling something like that and now refuses to speak to her even more pointedly than he had before this. lol.
My knew-jerk response to it is revulsion combined with annoyance that he didn't tell me first, but then again, it's not like I haven't slept with guys who I wouldn't want other people to know about. ;-)
As a side note, when I saw her the next night, I just gave her a nice smile and walked past, and did she look angry. mahahahahah. It was worth it to get my jab in for my roommate ;-)
Point of story... It was THE cattiest experience of my life and it taught me that I need more snappy comebacks (ha).
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Friendship is a funny thing...
Well, I have not written in a while, but here I go again… I have officially gone overboard regarding the ex-boyfriend-artist and am writing yet an(other) blog about it. I guess, as usual, I'm over thinking and thus emoting (via the cold, heartless medium of the web)
I know that things got a bit out-of-line between us last year (an emotional affair is, after all, generally considered worse than a physical one) and that that could be why he has scaled back on our friendship (he stopped talking to me, yet again, when I left for Europe)
or it could be that I have a boyfriend
or that he got tired of my friendship
or that he felt awkward
And this is what has always been so odd for me in regards to his and my interactions over the past 3 and 1/2 years (I'm counting that as since the first time that we broke up, ha). It drives me INSANE that there is hardly ever a good answer for why he stops talking to me or why he doesn’t respond for months and then suddenly changes his mind. And while I appreciate (and frankly, admire) his ability to drop off the face of the Earth, it still sits uncomfortably with me (aka makes me go slightly crazy thinking it over, sigh).
It's just that I'm such a different type of communicator... I can’t just stop talking to someone. It’s nearly impossible. I go on and on and on and babble and explain and meander through ideas, but in the end, when he pulls back, it's a mystery. Now, it’s not like I’m asking for some deep, spiritual insight into the inner-workings of his "am I talking to her or not" psyche, but it IS a little over-the-top. And yes, I know that his whole ‘artist’ persona is over-the-top so to speak, but after finally watching 'Vicky Christina Barcelona' combined with several experiences of late, I have decided that I just don't care.
Here's what I know - I thoroughly enjoy being in conversation with him, I find him stimulating and intriguing, I know that he and I both need to be with someone OTHER than each other, and I miss it when he’s not somewhere in the framework of my life.
Is that so wrong?
Here is my thought... We're both in relationships, which is great. Can’t we still be friends and have interesting, thought-provoking conversations without straying into dangerous territory?! If however, he is tired of my friendship and doesn’t find me interesting at this time, I will have to just accept that.
I guess that I realized that I like having people in my life who love art and ideas and creativity, and those people don't come along very often. To be cliché, life is too short to not experience it to its fullest.
I know that things got a bit out-of-line between us last year (an emotional affair is, after all, generally considered worse than a physical one) and that that could be why he has scaled back on our friendship (he stopped talking to me, yet again, when I left for Europe)
or it could be that I have a boyfriend
or that he got tired of my friendship
or that he felt awkward
And this is what has always been so odd for me in regards to his and my interactions over the past 3 and 1/2 years (I'm counting that as since the first time that we broke up, ha). It drives me INSANE that there is hardly ever a good answer for why he stops talking to me or why he doesn’t respond for months and then suddenly changes his mind. And while I appreciate (and frankly, admire) his ability to drop off the face of the Earth, it still sits uncomfortably with me (aka makes me go slightly crazy thinking it over, sigh).
It's just that I'm such a different type of communicator... I can’t just stop talking to someone. It’s nearly impossible. I go on and on and on and babble and explain and meander through ideas, but in the end, when he pulls back, it's a mystery. Now, it’s not like I’m asking for some deep, spiritual insight into the inner-workings of his "am I talking to her or not" psyche, but it IS a little over-the-top. And yes, I know that his whole ‘artist’ persona is over-the-top so to speak, but after finally watching 'Vicky Christina Barcelona' combined with several experiences of late, I have decided that I just don't care.
Here's what I know - I thoroughly enjoy being in conversation with him, I find him stimulating and intriguing, I know that he and I both need to be with someone OTHER than each other, and I miss it when he’s not somewhere in the framework of my life.
Is that so wrong?
Here is my thought... We're both in relationships, which is great. Can’t we still be friends and have interesting, thought-provoking conversations without straying into dangerous territory?! If however, he is tired of my friendship and doesn’t find me interesting at this time, I will have to just accept that.
I guess that I realized that I like having people in my life who love art and ideas and creativity, and those people don't come along very often. To be cliché, life is too short to not experience it to its fullest.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Notes from Europe
Part I – Spain
My best friend met me at the airport in Barcelona (I flew out the morning of Dec. 25 and arrived in Spain the morning of Dec. 26). We went straight to our hostel (where I was chided by the lady at the front desk for saying dollars not euros) and had breakfast and then I needed a nap before doing anything. It was raining, but we decided to go check out a couple places. We had a late lunch at a traditional Spanish place where the waiter fell in love with my friend and left her his email address. We came back to the hostel, tried to go to the sauna, which was closed. We got ready (you have to always look nice when you go out here) and went to a lounge called Dry Martini that has 100 different martinis. It turned out to be an old man bar! There were all these women tossing their furs and acting like we must be gold diggers! Also, we discovered that we don’t actually like dry martinis, ha. We then got dinner (the Spanish eat dinner at about 10pm) at this cool hotel. Then, I was trying to find the bathrooms and I ended up locking myself out of the restaurant and in a staircase. I eventually found my way to a parking garage and then ran back to the front door. It was quite the adventure. After that, it was pouring down rain and both our umbrellas broke and so we huddled under one semi-broken umbrella and went back to the hostel.
Sigh, it was still raining hard, so we slept in and then went to the sauna. There, an angry lady yelled at us in broken English to get out of the hotub (even though there were NO signs) because it was apparently cleaning itself. And for some reason, they have it set up to clean every 15 minutes... Who does that? I wanted to swim a few laps but they require you to wear a cap so we went back to the sauna. The showers are all push button and so it’s kind of funny to shower. My friend wanted to go to the movies, and I had a cold, so I took a long nap after we had lunch at an Egyptian place. They have a tradition in Spain to offer you drinks at the end of your meal, so they gave us this SUPER thick honey tea. Ugh. Anyway, after my nap, we met an Argentinean guy at the hostel and we decided to go to dinner. On the way, it started to POUR rain again, so we ran into the nearest place with food. It turned out to be a very weird Chinese buffet with the most bizarre collection of food options I’ve ever seen at a buffet. They don’t have Diet Coke (I know, gasp!) so I drink “Coca-Cola Light” instead, lol. We came back to the hostel to get ready to go out dancing. The first club we went to was SUPER sketchy (aka you will get robbed) so we didn’t even go in. We decided to go to a place called Club Fellini that my friend’s Italian friend recommended. It was pretty fun but I got a little bored because everyone was chatting in Spanish and all I could say was si, si... :-P
Finally, the weather was better, so we went to Barcelona’s Gothic Quarter. We saw the most amazing cathedral that was build in 1328. It was pretty awe-inspiring. The main cathedral is under construction, which was a little disappointing, but the whole district was cool. We had brunch at a great restaurant called Milk that is run by British folks. We got some souvenirs and took quite a few pics. When we stopped for drinks by the Picasso museum, I managed to lock myself in a men's bathroom because I got confused by the signs. There are a lot of coed bathrooms in Europe, lol. Around midnight, we went to see the Gaudi church which is usually lit up at night (unfortunately, it wasn’t) and then had weird "beef" (aka mystery meat) hamburgers at a very small and smoky restaurant with lots of old men singing loudly to a juke box. ;) We realized at 3:30 am that we had forgotten to book a place to stay in Paris our first night here, essentially that night! So we only got 2 hours of sleep, yikes! We eventually found a place though.
In the rainy morning, we took a train through the countryside to see Montserra. It was pretty cool but we got confused and couldn't get the door to open at our stop so we ended up sitting at a lonely train stop in the middle of nowhere to wait for a train back, lol. And no, we never made it up the mountain… When we got back to the city, we saw the amazing palace and Plaza de Catalonya before we caught the bus to Girons, where we caught our flight to France. I chatted with some nice French people in line to start working up for Paris.
Part 2 – France
We arrived in Beauvais, France at 9:30ish pm. From there, we took a bus to Paris. It was SO cold when we arrived, but when we got off the metro at our hotel's stop and walked up the stairs, we were literally at the Arc of Triumph at the Champs d'Elysee!! It was amazing.
It was snowing and we were really cold, so we walked the Champs d'Elysee looking at the stores and searching for hats! We both got cute ones, mine is very French :-P We of course checked out the L’arc de Triomph in the daylight as well. We then wandered through our neighborhood so my friend could find warmer shoes and I ate at my first real French cafe. In my opinion, the baguettes are just as delicious as they say! We caught the metro to our hostel and saw the Place d'Italie. Everything is still lit for Christmas and beautiful. At the hostel (called "Oops! Hostel") we shared our room with 2 Brazillian girls who were nice, but we don't hang out. We had Italian dinner (in France, I know) and then we were so tired that we went to the movies. We saw "Australia" with subtitles in French. It was so bad that people were actually laughing at it. Oh the French. Afterward, we attempted to check out some clubs recommended by a French employee at the hostel but got lost, so we took the last metro home at 1 am. However, an hour later, we met two guys from our hostel and decided to check out a couple places. One is from Baghdad and one is from Saudi Arabia. The first club we went to was even more sketchy than the one in Barcelona (I actually felt someone try to pickpocket my empty coat pocket) and so we went to a place called 6-7. It was a ton of fun and we didn’t get back to bed until 6 am! A French guy in the club kept telling me that he “hates Americans, but loves America” wtf?
We slept super late, and decided to take it easy. We had traditional French food at a brasserie across the street and got a GIANT crème brulee. We bought real French champagne, got ready, and went off the Eiffel Tower for the countdown. The two Arab guys we met and some of their friends came along, which was SO fun. All the guys are studying in Britain and have adorable British accents. The Eiffel Tower was just amazing. The Metro was PACKED with people. Everyone was singing and drinking on the way to the tower (not our group) and these Spaniards kept yelling “are you tired?!” and then responding “no!” It was like camp, haha. The Tower is all lit up and sparkly but they don’t do a big fireworks show. When we popped our champagne bottles, it was kind of a mess, but totally worth it. We eventually walked to the nearest not-completely-packed Metro, got food, and then realized we were 2 stops away from our hostel, but were on the very last train running. Oops! We got off as close to our hostel as we could and then navigated the streets with my little map of Paris. Overall, a VERY fun night!
The city was pretty quiet on New Years Day, but we had to be up before 11 am to move to our last hostel, close to Place de la Republique. We dropped off our bags, and had lunch before taking photos of the statue there, then headed to Place de la Bastille. It’s pretty interesting to think about that prison once being there when it’s now just a statue. Let me tell you, Paris is FREEZING this time of year, so all our sightseeing was COLD! :-P We then took the metro (where a drunken French man took offense to the fact that he tripped me and started yelling. The entire car was cracking up as he was swearing all over the place, and then he took out a bottle of wine to swig) out to the Ile-de-France to see Notre Dame. It was my favorite experience in Paris. When you walk in, it’s so overwhelming I was just silent. It’s such a moving experience to finally be somewhere that you’ve wanted to see with your own eyes for the first time. We also took our pictures with a man dressed up like Quasimodo out front, lol. At this point, completely frozen into ice cubes, we had to head back to our hostel.
We did the Louvre. It’s hard to put into words what this museum is like. It’s so immense, you can’t imagine until you arrive. I particularly enjoyed the sculpture section and the Objects d’Art, which includes Napoleon’s rooms… Unbelievable. That night, my coworker was in Paris (random I know) so we all went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant, lol. The margaritas were excellent as was the food, but (not gonna lie) it was not quite the same as American-Mexican food. :-P We decided to go out and had a “cultural confusion” experience. We went back to 6-7 and discovered it was Ladies Night. Now, in the US, this means you get in free and there are probably good drink deals. In France, it means there are male strippers! A stripper actually stripped down to his jock strap, then draped himself in the American flag before pulling a girl FROM THE CROWD who he wrapped into the flag while she went down on him! AAAAAH! We left shortly after, mahah. By the way, I never knew girls would go so crazy over strippers... That night, I don't know what struck me (the drinks? the city?) but I decided to sleep with my coworker! It was probably not the best idea, but he does have a GREAT body, so oh well! It's Paris, you know...
Our last full day in Paris, we decided to go to the Moulin Rouge. First though, we had crepes from a stand because we realized we hadn’t eaten them in France! Yum. We had really wanted to see a show at the Moulin, but they were completely sold out the entire time we were there. After getting food in a little café, we went down and wandered around Montmartre picking out gifts for family and trying to avoid being robbed. We also saw Sacre Coeur, which is really as beautiful as you’ve been told. That night, we decided to go back to the Mexican restaurant because the people were super nice and the food was good. They brought us shots on the house to say “au revoir” which was funny.
At 4 am, we got up to head to Charles de Gaulle, and the whole thing was kind of a fiasco. It drives me a little crazy that customer service doesn’t open until 8 am in the Metro, but we managed to get there in time and my friend just barely caught her flight out to Madrid. I had a little problem at security when I was stopped because I had forgotten that I packed a gift for my brother – a pocketknife – which they made me throw away. :-( Sad times. My 11 hour flight home was directly to Seattle, and wasn’t too bad except the SCREAMING baby for much of it (thank goodness for earplugs and head phones). All in all, it was a great trip and I cannot WAIT to go back to Paris in the summertime. ;-)
My best friend met me at the airport in Barcelona (I flew out the morning of Dec. 25 and arrived in Spain the morning of Dec. 26). We went straight to our hostel (where I was chided by the lady at the front desk for saying dollars not euros) and had breakfast and then I needed a nap before doing anything. It was raining, but we decided to go check out a couple places. We had a late lunch at a traditional Spanish place where the waiter fell in love with my friend and left her his email address. We came back to the hostel, tried to go to the sauna, which was closed. We got ready (you have to always look nice when you go out here) and went to a lounge called Dry Martini that has 100 different martinis. It turned out to be an old man bar! There were all these women tossing their furs and acting like we must be gold diggers! Also, we discovered that we don’t actually like dry martinis, ha. We then got dinner (the Spanish eat dinner at about 10pm) at this cool hotel. Then, I was trying to find the bathrooms and I ended up locking myself out of the restaurant and in a staircase. I eventually found my way to a parking garage and then ran back to the front door. It was quite the adventure. After that, it was pouring down rain and both our umbrellas broke and so we huddled under one semi-broken umbrella and went back to the hostel.
Sigh, it was still raining hard, so we slept in and then went to the sauna. There, an angry lady yelled at us in broken English to get out of the hotub (even though there were NO signs) because it was apparently cleaning itself. And for some reason, they have it set up to clean every 15 minutes... Who does that? I wanted to swim a few laps but they require you to wear a cap so we went back to the sauna. The showers are all push button and so it’s kind of funny to shower. My friend wanted to go to the movies, and I had a cold, so I took a long nap after we had lunch at an Egyptian place. They have a tradition in Spain to offer you drinks at the end of your meal, so they gave us this SUPER thick honey tea. Ugh. Anyway, after my nap, we met an Argentinean guy at the hostel and we decided to go to dinner. On the way, it started to POUR rain again, so we ran into the nearest place with food. It turned out to be a very weird Chinese buffet with the most bizarre collection of food options I’ve ever seen at a buffet. They don’t have Diet Coke (I know, gasp!) so I drink “Coca-Cola Light” instead, lol. We came back to the hostel to get ready to go out dancing. The first club we went to was SUPER sketchy (aka you will get robbed) so we didn’t even go in. We decided to go to a place called Club Fellini that my friend’s Italian friend recommended. It was pretty fun but I got a little bored because everyone was chatting in Spanish and all I could say was si, si... :-P
Finally, the weather was better, so we went to Barcelona’s Gothic Quarter. We saw the most amazing cathedral that was build in 1328. It was pretty awe-inspiring. The main cathedral is under construction, which was a little disappointing, but the whole district was cool. We had brunch at a great restaurant called Milk that is run by British folks. We got some souvenirs and took quite a few pics. When we stopped for drinks by the Picasso museum, I managed to lock myself in a men's bathroom because I got confused by the signs. There are a lot of coed bathrooms in Europe, lol. Around midnight, we went to see the Gaudi church which is usually lit up at night (unfortunately, it wasn’t) and then had weird "beef" (aka mystery meat) hamburgers at a very small and smoky restaurant with lots of old men singing loudly to a juke box. ;) We realized at 3:30 am that we had forgotten to book a place to stay in Paris our first night here, essentially that night! So we only got 2 hours of sleep, yikes! We eventually found a place though.
In the rainy morning, we took a train through the countryside to see Montserra. It was pretty cool but we got confused and couldn't get the door to open at our stop so we ended up sitting at a lonely train stop in the middle of nowhere to wait for a train back, lol. And no, we never made it up the mountain… When we got back to the city, we saw the amazing palace and Plaza de Catalonya before we caught the bus to Girons, where we caught our flight to France. I chatted with some nice French people in line to start working up for Paris.
Part 2 – France
We arrived in Beauvais, France at 9:30ish pm. From there, we took a bus to Paris. It was SO cold when we arrived, but when we got off the metro at our hotel's stop and walked up the stairs, we were literally at the Arc of Triumph at the Champs d'Elysee!! It was amazing.
It was snowing and we were really cold, so we walked the Champs d'Elysee looking at the stores and searching for hats! We both got cute ones, mine is very French :-P We of course checked out the L’arc de Triomph in the daylight as well. We then wandered through our neighborhood so my friend could find warmer shoes and I ate at my first real French cafe. In my opinion, the baguettes are just as delicious as they say! We caught the metro to our hostel and saw the Place d'Italie. Everything is still lit for Christmas and beautiful. At the hostel (called "Oops! Hostel") we shared our room with 2 Brazillian girls who were nice, but we don't hang out. We had Italian dinner (in France, I know) and then we were so tired that we went to the movies. We saw "Australia" with subtitles in French. It was so bad that people were actually laughing at it. Oh the French. Afterward, we attempted to check out some clubs recommended by a French employee at the hostel but got lost, so we took the last metro home at 1 am. However, an hour later, we met two guys from our hostel and decided to check out a couple places. One is from Baghdad and one is from Saudi Arabia. The first club we went to was even more sketchy than the one in Barcelona (I actually felt someone try to pickpocket my empty coat pocket) and so we went to a place called 6-7. It was a ton of fun and we didn’t get back to bed until 6 am! A French guy in the club kept telling me that he “hates Americans, but loves America” wtf?
We slept super late, and decided to take it easy. We had traditional French food at a brasserie across the street and got a GIANT crème brulee. We bought real French champagne, got ready, and went off the Eiffel Tower for the countdown. The two Arab guys we met and some of their friends came along, which was SO fun. All the guys are studying in Britain and have adorable British accents. The Eiffel Tower was just amazing. The Metro was PACKED with people. Everyone was singing and drinking on the way to the tower (not our group) and these Spaniards kept yelling “are you tired?!” and then responding “no!” It was like camp, haha. The Tower is all lit up and sparkly but they don’t do a big fireworks show. When we popped our champagne bottles, it was kind of a mess, but totally worth it. We eventually walked to the nearest not-completely-packed Metro, got food, and then realized we were 2 stops away from our hostel, but were on the very last train running. Oops! We got off as close to our hostel as we could and then navigated the streets with my little map of Paris. Overall, a VERY fun night!
The city was pretty quiet on New Years Day, but we had to be up before 11 am to move to our last hostel, close to Place de la Republique. We dropped off our bags, and had lunch before taking photos of the statue there, then headed to Place de la Bastille. It’s pretty interesting to think about that prison once being there when it’s now just a statue. Let me tell you, Paris is FREEZING this time of year, so all our sightseeing was COLD! :-P We then took the metro (where a drunken French man took offense to the fact that he tripped me and started yelling. The entire car was cracking up as he was swearing all over the place, and then he took out a bottle of wine to swig) out to the Ile-de-France to see Notre Dame. It was my favorite experience in Paris. When you walk in, it’s so overwhelming I was just silent. It’s such a moving experience to finally be somewhere that you’ve wanted to see with your own eyes for the first time. We also took our pictures with a man dressed up like Quasimodo out front, lol. At this point, completely frozen into ice cubes, we had to head back to our hostel.
We did the Louvre. It’s hard to put into words what this museum is like. It’s so immense, you can’t imagine until you arrive. I particularly enjoyed the sculpture section and the Objects d’Art, which includes Napoleon’s rooms… Unbelievable. That night, my coworker was in Paris (random I know) so we all went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant, lol. The margaritas were excellent as was the food, but (not gonna lie) it was not quite the same as American-Mexican food. :-P We decided to go out and had a “cultural confusion” experience. We went back to 6-7 and discovered it was Ladies Night. Now, in the US, this means you get in free and there are probably good drink deals. In France, it means there are male strippers! A stripper actually stripped down to his jock strap, then draped himself in the American flag before pulling a girl FROM THE CROWD who he wrapped into the flag while she went down on him! AAAAAH! We left shortly after, mahah. By the way, I never knew girls would go so crazy over strippers... That night, I don't know what struck me (the drinks? the city?) but I decided to sleep with my coworker! It was probably not the best idea, but he does have a GREAT body, so oh well! It's Paris, you know...
Our last full day in Paris, we decided to go to the Moulin Rouge. First though, we had crepes from a stand because we realized we hadn’t eaten them in France! Yum. We had really wanted to see a show at the Moulin, but they were completely sold out the entire time we were there. After getting food in a little café, we went down and wandered around Montmartre picking out gifts for family and trying to avoid being robbed. We also saw Sacre Coeur, which is really as beautiful as you’ve been told. That night, we decided to go back to the Mexican restaurant because the people were super nice and the food was good. They brought us shots on the house to say “au revoir” which was funny.
At 4 am, we got up to head to Charles de Gaulle, and the whole thing was kind of a fiasco. It drives me a little crazy that customer service doesn’t open until 8 am in the Metro, but we managed to get there in time and my friend just barely caught her flight out to Madrid. I had a little problem at security when I was stopped because I had forgotten that I packed a gift for my brother – a pocketknife – which they made me throw away. :-( Sad times. My 11 hour flight home was directly to Seattle, and wasn’t too bad except the SCREAMING baby for much of it (thank goodness for earplugs and head phones). All in all, it was a great trip and I cannot WAIT to go back to Paris in the summertime. ;-)
Monday, December 15, 2008
Making out and saving face
Here goes... On Halloween, I made friends with this attractive dancer guy who I didn’t see again until I went out dancing last week. My roommate was with me of course, and he invited me to go do karaoke with some other dancers. I brought the roommie along, of course. It was fun and they have a lot in common about music, but he and I were definitely flirting. He ended up hanging out until like 3 am. During the evening, he got my roommate's number because I was driving and he wanted to be able to call if he got separated.
So, then, Saturday night, roommate and I went to a blues party. I drank a fair amount and was rather drunk during the party. I was being my normal self, dancing with lots of people, having a good time, and ended up making out with the guy in a hallway. He was definitely drunk too, and my roommate apparently saw us kissing, which she mentioned to me on the ride home. Now, that’s all fine and fun, but yesterday, the guy (who also spent quite a while talking/dancing with my roommie at the party) asked her to hang out after she got off work, and she agreed.
Now, don’t you think that’s a little weird? I mean, she SEES me making out with him and the next day, goes out with him… She claimed that they were just “hanging out” but come on. A guy calls and asks you to hang out one-on-one if he likes you. Now, I wasn’t totally surprised because I saw the interest when he started talking with her more about music. BUT if the situation had been reversed, Alissa would have been unbelievably pissed off at me. I mean, she would have been SO hurt and mad. Yet, when it’s her getting the attention and her getting the phone call, she’s immediately playing like she’s unaware of what the situation really is about. I told her that I’m not mad, which I’m not, it’s more annoyed than angry.
Part of me feels like this is payback. Freshman year of college, she had a major crush on a mutual friend of ours, which I didn’t really know too much about because she and I weren’t super close friends then. I ended up making out with him a few times at parties at the start of the next year, which apparently really upset her, even though she knew that he didn’t like her back. Then, well, she was involved with this OTHER mutual friend, who she was secretly in love with, but who was not interested in having a relationship with her. A year or so later, he was interested in me and even though I didn’t sleep with him, the roommate knew we had a little dalliance and was hurt by it. So, I feel like maybe the passive-aggressive part of her is secretly or even subconsciously getting payback. And so, in that sense, I don’t fault her because I did fuck up in the past.
And to be honest, it kind of bruises my ego as well, I’ll admit. Your roommate gets called by the guy you made out with?? Really?? Am I that uninteresting?! Here’s the thing, I feel more frustrated with myself for making out with him after I’d been drinking than about the fact that he called her. I feel like sometimes I sell myself short when I act like that. Also, I guess I realize that some guys think that her cute, little, innocent act is more appealing than the more forward, intense (and occasionally drunk) personality that I have, and in cases like this, I feel like I should be more controlled and less drunkenly rambunctious.
So, last night, after they hung out doing whatever, they came back to our apartment to play the Wii. It was already 11 pm so I needed to get sleep. So, I pulled my hair into a cute headband, slipped on PJ shorts that I know look good, and your fav blue sweatshirt with no bra, zipped down a little bit low… And pranced out in the living room to give him a hug (and a chance to check out my ass, which he did) and the pranced off to bed like everything was just fine. It was shallow and terrible, but I guess I was looking for a way to salvage a little bit of my ego...
So, then, Saturday night, roommate and I went to a blues party. I drank a fair amount and was rather drunk during the party. I was being my normal self, dancing with lots of people, having a good time, and ended up making out with the guy in a hallway. He was definitely drunk too, and my roommate apparently saw us kissing, which she mentioned to me on the ride home. Now, that’s all fine and fun, but yesterday, the guy (who also spent quite a while talking/dancing with my roommie at the party) asked her to hang out after she got off work, and she agreed.
Now, don’t you think that’s a little weird? I mean, she SEES me making out with him and the next day, goes out with him… She claimed that they were just “hanging out” but come on. A guy calls and asks you to hang out one-on-one if he likes you. Now, I wasn’t totally surprised because I saw the interest when he started talking with her more about music. BUT if the situation had been reversed, Alissa would have been unbelievably pissed off at me. I mean, she would have been SO hurt and mad. Yet, when it’s her getting the attention and her getting the phone call, she’s immediately playing like she’s unaware of what the situation really is about. I told her that I’m not mad, which I’m not, it’s more annoyed than angry.
Part of me feels like this is payback. Freshman year of college, she had a major crush on a mutual friend of ours, which I didn’t really know too much about because she and I weren’t super close friends then. I ended up making out with him a few times at parties at the start of the next year, which apparently really upset her, even though she knew that he didn’t like her back. Then, well, she was involved with this OTHER mutual friend, who she was secretly in love with, but who was not interested in having a relationship with her. A year or so later, he was interested in me and even though I didn’t sleep with him, the roommate knew we had a little dalliance and was hurt by it. So, I feel like maybe the passive-aggressive part of her is secretly or even subconsciously getting payback. And so, in that sense, I don’t fault her because I did fuck up in the past.
And to be honest, it kind of bruises my ego as well, I’ll admit. Your roommate gets called by the guy you made out with?? Really?? Am I that uninteresting?! Here’s the thing, I feel more frustrated with myself for making out with him after I’d been drinking than about the fact that he called her. I feel like sometimes I sell myself short when I act like that. Also, I guess I realize that some guys think that her cute, little, innocent act is more appealing than the more forward, intense (and occasionally drunk) personality that I have, and in cases like this, I feel like I should be more controlled and less drunkenly rambunctious.
So, last night, after they hung out doing whatever, they came back to our apartment to play the Wii. It was already 11 pm so I needed to get sleep. So, I pulled my hair into a cute headband, slipped on PJ shorts that I know look good, and your fav blue sweatshirt with no bra, zipped down a little bit low… And pranced out in the living room to give him a hug (and a chance to check out my ass, which he did) and the pranced off to bed like everything was just fine. It was shallow and terrible, but I guess I was looking for a way to salvage a little bit of my ego...
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Letter I Don't Need to Send
Dear [Name Here]:
I feel that you need to know some of the issues that are frustrating and confusing me…
First, the most upsetting is the subtle reminder (from her very existence) that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘worth enough’ to be with you when it came down to it. I mean, it’s hard to see a person you loved more than anyone else who is willing to live with, change for, adapt to, etc., another woman. It’s so confusing because you say that there’s no passion, that your relationship is depressing or boring, but then, you picked that relationship over ours. I knooooow that we fought a lot, and I knoooow that we didn’t have the same outlook on life/relationships, but I wish that I could have felt like you wanted to be with me more than you cared about those things. I know I certainly did, which is why I broke it off – I knew that I would get my heart broken (again) when you decided that you didn’t want to put in any more effort or the relationship would require long-term commitment. It’s just so depressing to see her picture on your iPod, to know that she lives with you, to know that you’re gone traveling with her, and that I can only talk to you when she’s not around.
Second, and similarly, it’s extremely confusing to me when you say that you find me “inspiring” and “exciting” yet none of those things were compelling “enough” in the past to make me worth it. It hurts to think about it because the contrast in the way that I matter to you and you matter to me is clear. Why am I only exciting enough to sneak around to see, but not to try to pursue, to really try to win and keep so that that ‘excitement’ is always in your life? It makes me feel like I’m only a thrill when it’s a secret, and being a secret doesn’t make me feel worthwhile or special. I know that the thrill of the chase is something we both enjoy, but at the same time, we have too much history for me to feel like that is enough. We have too many memories, emotions, etc., for that to represent what we should mean to each other. It makes me feel like the second best choice. Somedays, I want to just bang my head on a desk for hours on end to escape the “why, why, why?!” feeling that this whole thing gives me.
Third, on that note, my emotions are constantly haywire. One minute, I’m all interested and inspired intellectually by our conversations. The next minute, I want to throw caution into the wind and jump you to have crazy, passionate sex. Then, I think that I never want to sleep with you again because it would degrade everything we ever had. Then, I want to be in love with you again and want you to love me, and us to be together, but then I don’t want either of those things. Then, I think that I’m fine with it all and should be calm because there’s nothing wrong with us being ‘just friends’. And then, I realize that we aren’t ‘just friends’ or you wouldn’t keep it secret from your girlfriend and tell me that I’m your inspiration. And the cycle continues.
Fourth, with that all going on in my brain, I start to think that I should just back out because I'm worth more than being your second option, your excitement. That I should distance myself from you and make a fresh start, get a clean slate. That maybe I should really, actually cut ties with you because you are never, ever going to value me in a way that reflects what I am actually worth. I remind myself that I am everything a man could want in a partner and it doesn't matter that it wasn't the right fit between us. Yet, I wish you could see how it is, and there's that little hope that you will, so I don't completely back away. Then, I think the same thing as above, "well, it's fine because we should be able to be just friends." But I worry that I can't be just friends and so, I try to move out of regular conversation, hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then I end up here.
In the end, it comes down to me not wanting to admit that I’m confused because I’m too afraid that you will make me feel rejected again, and me not wanting to admit that I have mixed feelings for fear that you don’t, and me just wanting to know WHY I wasn’t picked and why I can’t get over THAT very thing.
Even as I write this, I think about how I could tell you all of this without feeling like the fool because even as I say all of these confused words, so many scenarios flow through my head...
I want the outcome to be me realizing this isn't worth my pain and walking away before you have the chance to respond
I want the outcome to be you taking me in your arms and kissing every part of my body
I want the outcome to be that I realize before we ever talk that I'm really fine with everything and I'm over thinking it and this message never needs to be shared.
I feel that you need to know some of the issues that are frustrating and confusing me…
First, the most upsetting is the subtle reminder (from her very existence) that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘worth enough’ to be with you when it came down to it. I mean, it’s hard to see a person you loved more than anyone else who is willing to live with, change for, adapt to, etc., another woman. It’s so confusing because you say that there’s no passion, that your relationship is depressing or boring, but then, you picked that relationship over ours. I knooooow that we fought a lot, and I knoooow that we didn’t have the same outlook on life/relationships, but I wish that I could have felt like you wanted to be with me more than you cared about those things. I know I certainly did, which is why I broke it off – I knew that I would get my heart broken (again) when you decided that you didn’t want to put in any more effort or the relationship would require long-term commitment. It’s just so depressing to see her picture on your iPod, to know that she lives with you, to know that you’re gone traveling with her, and that I can only talk to you when she’s not around.
Second, and similarly, it’s extremely confusing to me when you say that you find me “inspiring” and “exciting” yet none of those things were compelling “enough” in the past to make me worth it. It hurts to think about it because the contrast in the way that I matter to you and you matter to me is clear. Why am I only exciting enough to sneak around to see, but not to try to pursue, to really try to win and keep so that that ‘excitement’ is always in your life? It makes me feel like I’m only a thrill when it’s a secret, and being a secret doesn’t make me feel worthwhile or special. I know that the thrill of the chase is something we both enjoy, but at the same time, we have too much history for me to feel like that is enough. We have too many memories, emotions, etc., for that to represent what we should mean to each other. It makes me feel like the second best choice. Somedays, I want to just bang my head on a desk for hours on end to escape the “why, why, why?!” feeling that this whole thing gives me.
Third, on that note, my emotions are constantly haywire. One minute, I’m all interested and inspired intellectually by our conversations. The next minute, I want to throw caution into the wind and jump you to have crazy, passionate sex. Then, I think that I never want to sleep with you again because it would degrade everything we ever had. Then, I want to be in love with you again and want you to love me, and us to be together, but then I don’t want either of those things. Then, I think that I’m fine with it all and should be calm because there’s nothing wrong with us being ‘just friends’. And then, I realize that we aren’t ‘just friends’ or you wouldn’t keep it secret from your girlfriend and tell me that I’m your inspiration. And the cycle continues.
Fourth, with that all going on in my brain, I start to think that I should just back out because I'm worth more than being your second option, your excitement. That I should distance myself from you and make a fresh start, get a clean slate. That maybe I should really, actually cut ties with you because you are never, ever going to value me in a way that reflects what I am actually worth. I remind myself that I am everything a man could want in a partner and it doesn't matter that it wasn't the right fit between us. Yet, I wish you could see how it is, and there's that little hope that you will, so I don't completely back away. Then, I think the same thing as above, "well, it's fine because we should be able to be just friends." But I worry that I can't be just friends and so, I try to move out of regular conversation, hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then I end up here.
In the end, it comes down to me not wanting to admit that I’m confused because I’m too afraid that you will make me feel rejected again, and me not wanting to admit that I have mixed feelings for fear that you don’t, and me just wanting to know WHY I wasn’t picked and why I can’t get over THAT very thing.
Even as I write this, I think about how I could tell you all of this without feeling like the fool because even as I say all of these confused words, so many scenarios flow through my head...
I want the outcome to be me realizing this isn't worth my pain and walking away before you have the chance to respond
I want the outcome to be you taking me in your arms and kissing every part of my body
I want the outcome to be that I realize before we ever talk that I'm really fine with everything and I'm over thinking it and this message never needs to be shared.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
DANGER Will Robinson!
So, the red flag needs to be taken OUT of the box and be waved in front of my face!
Despite my recent proclamation of single happiness, I seem to have a little scandal developing on the side. And of course, it’s revolving around the ex-boyfriend, the artist, who I can’t seem to keep out of my life.
Over the last couple months, we’ve been chatting again, and it’s gotten up to a daily, many times a day, conversation. Then, he stopped by my parents’ house to say hi a month ago when I was there. Then he came over last Friday night to hang out with me. And it’s all on the sly from his current, LIVE-IN girlfriend. And NOW, our innocent texting has gotten a slightly scandalous bent and I can’t seem to stop myself!
Here’s what happened… I was talking to him about this secret blog and how no one will ever read it because there are things about them that I might have written and don’t feel like sharing – him included. So, I got a text when I woke up this morning that appeared to have been sent at 3 am. It said “I think I know you well enough to know what you think of me. Can’t talk anymore…”
I was like WTF? Did he have a dramatic moment in the middle of the night and decide that he *gasp* can’t be ‘friends’ anymore? So, I texted him back and this has been the convo since then…
Me: I hope I misunderstand your last text. I think that you took my blogging comments all out of context, and would be upset if our friendship was ended over that.
Him: No rere! [Girlfriend's name removed] came home
(wow is he hiding this or WHAT)
Me: lol, I thought you might have been having a dramatic moment – I didn’t get the text until 3 am…
Him: You were up late
Me: No, I got the text this morning. I was definitely asleep at 3 am
Him: Strange
Me: Indeed, which is WHY I thought, oh geez, he’s having a dramatic moment at 3 am
Him: No! Fu lady! I hate you for even thinking it.
(this is him joking around)
Me: Yah right, as IF you’ve never had a ridiculous notion at 3 am ;-)
Him: And I woke you up for a couple of them
(AH! Why the sudden infusion of sexual references…)
Me: By ridiculous, I don’t mean things I enjoy bc those are always appreciated
(I AM playing with fire!!)
Him: Yes they were…
Me: Don’t be TOO proud of yourself. I was an active contributor
(why God, why?! I have an inability to stop myself)
Him: ha. I know how to…
Me: to what? It’s not like you didn’t enjoy yourself :-P
(oh geez! My feminine ego/wiles kicked in)
Him: Always do
Me: Always a plus
(what the eff? ALWAYS A PLUS?! WHAT AM I DOING!?)
It’s now time to WAVE THE RED FLAG! DANGER AHEAD!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Then, damage control semi kicked in...
Him: You love it
Me: Did then, assume I would now
Him: You will
Me: I know
(Realizing that we’re dangerously close to implicating agreeing to have an affair, Vicky Christina Barcelona aside, I begin to attempt some damage control before it gets out of hand completely)
Me: But it’s all hypothetical, of course
Him: Most things are
Me : True, but it does make life a little less spicy :-P Sometimes I wish that everything was real.
(clearly, previous attempt at damage control ‘damaged’ by this statement)
Him: More spicy you mean? And what do you want real?
Me: I do enjoy spice in my life, and real, well, that remains to be seen
(here is my pathetic attempt to backpedal my previous statement)
Him: Need help with that?
Me: I’m open to suggestions
(while my rational brain screams, “No, No I am not” but is overpowered by my crazy brain)
Him: I suggest you get help
(ah, playing coy or also backpedaling?)
Me: Well, I guess that I’ll keep that in mind
Him: That does not help your “real” dilemma.
Me: True, but unless you’re volunteering, ha, I’ve got no one HERE who’s interesting enough to make a dent
*bangs head on desk*
Despite my recent proclamation of single happiness, I seem to have a little scandal developing on the side. And of course, it’s revolving around the ex-boyfriend, the artist, who I can’t seem to keep out of my life.
Over the last couple months, we’ve been chatting again, and it’s gotten up to a daily, many times a day, conversation. Then, he stopped by my parents’ house to say hi a month ago when I was there. Then he came over last Friday night to hang out with me. And it’s all on the sly from his current, LIVE-IN girlfriend. And NOW, our innocent texting has gotten a slightly scandalous bent and I can’t seem to stop myself!
Here’s what happened… I was talking to him about this secret blog and how no one will ever read it because there are things about them that I might have written and don’t feel like sharing – him included. So, I got a text when I woke up this morning that appeared to have been sent at 3 am. It said “I think I know you well enough to know what you think of me. Can’t talk anymore…”
I was like WTF? Did he have a dramatic moment in the middle of the night and decide that he *gasp* can’t be ‘friends’ anymore? So, I texted him back and this has been the convo since then…
Me: I hope I misunderstand your last text. I think that you took my blogging comments all out of context, and would be upset if our friendship was ended over that.
Him: No rere! [Girlfriend's name removed] came home
(wow is he hiding this or WHAT)
Me: lol, I thought you might have been having a dramatic moment – I didn’t get the text until 3 am…
Him: You were up late
Me: No, I got the text this morning. I was definitely asleep at 3 am
Him: Strange
Me: Indeed, which is WHY I thought, oh geez, he’s having a dramatic moment at 3 am
Him: No! Fu lady! I hate you for even thinking it.
(this is him joking around)
Me: Yah right, as IF you’ve never had a ridiculous notion at 3 am ;-)
Him: And I woke you up for a couple of them
(AH! Why the sudden infusion of sexual references…)
Me: By ridiculous, I don’t mean things I enjoy bc those are always appreciated
(I AM playing with fire!!)
Him: Yes they were…
Me: Don’t be TOO proud of yourself. I was an active contributor
(why God, why?! I have an inability to stop myself)
Him: ha. I know how to…
Me: to what? It’s not like you didn’t enjoy yourself :-P
(oh geez! My feminine ego/wiles kicked in)
Him: Always do
Me: Always a plus
(what the eff? ALWAYS A PLUS?! WHAT AM I DOING!?)
It’s now time to WAVE THE RED FLAG! DANGER AHEAD!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Then, damage control semi kicked in...
Him: You love it
Me: Did then, assume I would now
Him: You will
Me: I know
(Realizing that we’re dangerously close to implicating agreeing to have an affair, Vicky Christina Barcelona aside, I begin to attempt some damage control before it gets out of hand completely)
Me: But it’s all hypothetical, of course
Him: Most things are
Me : True, but it does make life a little less spicy :-P Sometimes I wish that everything was real.
(clearly, previous attempt at damage control ‘damaged’ by this statement)
Him: More spicy you mean? And what do you want real?
Me: I do enjoy spice in my life, and real, well, that remains to be seen
(here is my pathetic attempt to backpedal my previous statement)
Him: Need help with that?
Me: I’m open to suggestions
(while my rational brain screams, “No, No I am not” but is overpowered by my crazy brain)
Him: I suggest you get help
(ah, playing coy or also backpedaling?)
Me: Well, I guess that I’ll keep that in mind
Him: That does not help your “real” dilemma.
Me: True, but unless you’re volunteering, ha, I’ve got no one HERE who’s interesting enough to make a dent
*bangs head on desk*
Friday, October 17, 2008
Is this really the 21st century?
I've been noticing an odd trend on the interweb... Everyday I check MSN.com and I see flurries of "advice on relationship" articles. Everything from "Spot Relationship Road Bumps" to "8 New Love Truths You Must Know" to "How to Tell if a Guy is Cheating"...
WTF?
Why is it that women are given all these seemingly dated "tips" on how to catch, keep, and make sure your man stays? I mean, in the article about spotting potential "roadblocks" in your budding relationship, it basically told women how to manipulate the men they date into getting into/staying in a relationship. What has happened to honesty? And I don't mean the 1990s-scary-feminist honesty where women go dutch on everything, expect their boyfriends to treat them like bland equals (doesn't work in the bedroom if there aren't gender roles, in my opinion) and yell if a door is opened for them. I mean, what happened to being honest about what we want and being relaxed on the path to getting there? Are these articles trying to tell us that we, women today, have nothing going on in our lives other than the 1950s-esque pursuit of a man? That we need to "find" something to do when we "feign" being busy so he doesn't feel pressured? DON'T WE HAVE THINGS TO DO?! God knows I do.
I'm certainly no expert on relationships, even though too many of my friends seem to think that I am, but really, can we please stop with the mind games and act like the 21st-century adults we are...
WTF?
Why is it that women are given all these seemingly dated "tips" on how to catch, keep, and make sure your man stays? I mean, in the article about spotting potential "roadblocks" in your budding relationship, it basically told women how to manipulate the men they date into getting into/staying in a relationship. What has happened to honesty? And I don't mean the 1990s-scary-feminist honesty where women go dutch on everything, expect their boyfriends to treat them like bland equals (doesn't work in the bedroom if there aren't gender roles, in my opinion) and yell if a door is opened for them. I mean, what happened to being honest about what we want and being relaxed on the path to getting there? Are these articles trying to tell us that we, women today, have nothing going on in our lives other than the 1950s-esque pursuit of a man? That we need to "find" something to do when we "feign" being busy so he doesn't feel pressured? DON'T WE HAVE THINGS TO DO?! God knows I do.
I'm certainly no expert on relationships, even though too many of my friends seem to think that I am, but really, can we please stop with the mind games and act like the 21st-century adults we are...
Thursday, October 16, 2008
So, it's settled
So, things are over, again, for the most recent boyfriend and me. I canceled our plan to spend last night together, and he freaked out last night. We had a big fight because he felt like I hadn’t been making enough time for him (true) and that if the relationship was really working that I would want to see him more (true). I explained that I wasn’t trying to distance him and that I haven’t been seeing a lot of people lately since I’ve been so focused on work and martial arts.
We argued over why we got back together this summer and basically called me manipulative and said that I was happy only when we were seeing each other secretly because that was “exciting.” He said that I don’t let him "in" emotionally, and I tried to explain that when I do, he doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. Then, he was really angry when I tried to explain that his smoking was really getting to me because he had quit and started again. And then he called me shallow when I tried to explain that he doesn’t really fit in with my life. He was all, “you know I have social anxiety!” Well, that’s sad, but if I’m unhappy because of it (I’m social! I like people! Sometimes I need to take him to client events and what, he’s going to hide in the corner?!), how does it make sense for us to be together? I didn’t mention the health thing, but he has gained weight and as I’m getting more fit, it bothers me that he’s not active at all (I've mentioned it in the past).
I feel the worst because he’s hurt and upset and thinks that I 'never saw a future for us'. And to make it worse, yesterday happened to be our one-year anniversary. Yeesh. I also feel badly because I don’t feel sad that we’re not together. I just feel sort of relieved not to be worrying about it anymore. It’s like the last 6 months I’ve spent realizing that it’s not the right fit, no matter how “nice” and “loving” and "steady" he is, and not wanting to hurt him (I know, I know, never a good plan) and I ended up making it all worse.
I feel like I need to have a clean slate. I need to just take a deep breath and not be involved in any drama or relationship. I want to focus on my friends, my training, and of course, my work. I want to decide what I’m DOING with my life and be doing it by next year, and having distractions like a bad relationship aren’t going to help me. I mean, I’ve spent the last 6 years in a relationship basically without real time away from it – high school boyfriend (a year), dancer (7 months), artist (a year), HS boyfriend again (8 months), artist again (7 months), most recent ex twice (7 months, 3 months). I say this every time I end something, but I realize now that the pattern isn’t being broken. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm done settling. I want to be with someone I'm passionate about, and I'm not going to get involved again unless it's something really special. No casual dating, nothing until it's completely worth my time and energy.
We argued over why we got back together this summer and basically called me manipulative and said that I was happy only when we were seeing each other secretly because that was “exciting.” He said that I don’t let him "in" emotionally, and I tried to explain that when I do, he doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. Then, he was really angry when I tried to explain that his smoking was really getting to me because he had quit and started again. And then he called me shallow when I tried to explain that he doesn’t really fit in with my life. He was all, “you know I have social anxiety!” Well, that’s sad, but if I’m unhappy because of it (I’m social! I like people! Sometimes I need to take him to client events and what, he’s going to hide in the corner?!), how does it make sense for us to be together? I didn’t mention the health thing, but he has gained weight and as I’m getting more fit, it bothers me that he’s not active at all (I've mentioned it in the past).
I feel the worst because he’s hurt and upset and thinks that I 'never saw a future for us'. And to make it worse, yesterday happened to be our one-year anniversary. Yeesh. I also feel badly because I don’t feel sad that we’re not together. I just feel sort of relieved not to be worrying about it anymore. It’s like the last 6 months I’ve spent realizing that it’s not the right fit, no matter how “nice” and “loving” and "steady" he is, and not wanting to hurt him (I know, I know, never a good plan) and I ended up making it all worse.
I feel like I need to have a clean slate. I need to just take a deep breath and not be involved in any drama or relationship. I want to focus on my friends, my training, and of course, my work. I want to decide what I’m DOING with my life and be doing it by next year, and having distractions like a bad relationship aren’t going to help me. I mean, I’ve spent the last 6 years in a relationship basically without real time away from it – high school boyfriend (a year), dancer (7 months), artist (a year), HS boyfriend again (8 months), artist again (7 months), most recent ex twice (7 months, 3 months). I say this every time I end something, but I realize now that the pattern isn’t being broken. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm done settling. I want to be with someone I'm passionate about, and I'm not going to get involved again unless it's something really special. No casual dating, nothing until it's completely worth my time and energy.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Feeling the blues...
So, it's been a while since I've written here, and I feel that I need to just vent some things, get them off my chest, so-to-speak.
First, I know I shouldn’t get the “everyone around me” is doing better than I am feeling, but it’s just so weird to see so many people I went to high school with (who all went to fancy, private universities, which always makes me feel a little badly) running off and getting married and engaged or whatever. I don't want to be married, but it makes me feel like maybe I'm missing a gene or something. Am I so pathetic that I can't find someone who wants to be with me.
I think that with the current boyfriend, at this point, I don’t want to hurt him more than I want to get out. Yes, we got back together, and now I'm not sure why. I see him maybe 2x per week and there’s really no one else who has sparked my interest, so I figure it’ll hurt him less for now. I know that's a terrible way to look at it. He IS fun one-on-one and I do enjoy our time together.
I don’t know WHAT the computer guy is doing still here, but I’m just not going to spend time with him again unless it’s getting coffee to say a last “good-bye” before he moves away. I feel a little ugh about sleeping with him anyway. The ex-boyfriend artist is certainly in the past, but it just reminds me how I wasn’t good “enough” to be worth his long-term time. I know that people don’t change for you, generally, but sometimes I wish someone would.
Then, I've been feeling oddly jealous of my roommate - a woman I've never felt even remotely jealous of in the past. Our neighbor is clearly into her and is flirting with her all over the place. I guess, it's weird for me because normally I’m fairly appalled by her choice in men, and just get annoyed when she’s all over them because they give her the littlest attention in return. I’m just not used to her going for guys that I actually think are decent, DATEBALE men (she’s gone for guys I thought were attractive before, but not actually date-worthy). Her innocent, never take it anywhere, ever does bug me, but maybe I should set the same standard for myself.
Part of my slump comes from hanging out with my neighbors, aside from the flirting with my roommate, because they actually have skills. One is an amazing musician, and the other is a really skilled handyman, and those are just their hobbies! I feel like I don’t have any one thing that I’m really good at and I don’t feel like my skill set is all that special anyway. I’m a decent, but not record-setting salesperson, I was a strong, but not exception student, I’m cute, but not beautiful, I’m intelligent, but not brilliant, I’m motivated, but not truly driven, etc. I know that I can change things about my life and work harder, but sometimes I realize that it’s just not “in me” and I feel that I can’t really get any more out of life because I have nothing “great” to put into living. I know that sounds all dire and pessimistic, but I’m just noting that some people have talents that sometimes I wish I possessed. You know, maybe part of it is that I feel like I never REALLY get the things that I want the most in life.
On a little different note, I think our culture certainly influences us to feel the need to be sexual beings more than we should be. It’s weird because most Europeans seem to be sexy looking, but without the feeling that they need to act on it. I feel like I have been too lax about sex and I need to get a grip on that aspect of my personality. I do enjoy sex, but I think that I have “slept around” (outside my 4 actual relationships) more than other girls is because I also do enjoy feeling sexy and wanted in that way. It probably stems from when I had bad body image back when I was 14 or so, and not realizing that men found me attractive, really, until college. Then maybe the last couple years I just went a little overboard because I realized that I could work my ‘feminine wiles’ and took them too far.
First, I know I shouldn’t get the “everyone around me” is doing better than I am feeling, but it’s just so weird to see so many people I went to high school with (who all went to fancy, private universities, which always makes me feel a little badly) running off and getting married and engaged or whatever. I don't want to be married, but it makes me feel like maybe I'm missing a gene or something. Am I so pathetic that I can't find someone who wants to be with me.
I think that with the current boyfriend, at this point, I don’t want to hurt him more than I want to get out. Yes, we got back together, and now I'm not sure why. I see him maybe 2x per week and there’s really no one else who has sparked my interest, so I figure it’ll hurt him less for now. I know that's a terrible way to look at it. He IS fun one-on-one and I do enjoy our time together.
I don’t know WHAT the computer guy is doing still here, but I’m just not going to spend time with him again unless it’s getting coffee to say a last “good-bye” before he moves away. I feel a little ugh about sleeping with him anyway. The ex-boyfriend artist is certainly in the past, but it just reminds me how I wasn’t good “enough” to be worth his long-term time. I know that people don’t change for you, generally, but sometimes I wish someone would.
Then, I've been feeling oddly jealous of my roommate - a woman I've never felt even remotely jealous of in the past. Our neighbor is clearly into her and is flirting with her all over the place. I guess, it's weird for me because normally I’m fairly appalled by her choice in men, and just get annoyed when she’s all over them because they give her the littlest attention in return. I’m just not used to her going for guys that I actually think are decent, DATEBALE men (she’s gone for guys I thought were attractive before, but not actually date-worthy). Her innocent, never take it anywhere, ever does bug me, but maybe I should set the same standard for myself.
Part of my slump comes from hanging out with my neighbors, aside from the flirting with my roommate, because they actually have skills. One is an amazing musician, and the other is a really skilled handyman, and those are just their hobbies! I feel like I don’t have any one thing that I’m really good at and I don’t feel like my skill set is all that special anyway. I’m a decent, but not record-setting salesperson, I was a strong, but not exception student, I’m cute, but not beautiful, I’m intelligent, but not brilliant, I’m motivated, but not truly driven, etc. I know that I can change things about my life and work harder, but sometimes I realize that it’s just not “in me” and I feel that I can’t really get any more out of life because I have nothing “great” to put into living. I know that sounds all dire and pessimistic, but I’m just noting that some people have talents that sometimes I wish I possessed. You know, maybe part of it is that I feel like I never REALLY get the things that I want the most in life.
On a little different note, I think our culture certainly influences us to feel the need to be sexual beings more than we should be. It’s weird because most Europeans seem to be sexy looking, but without the feeling that they need to act on it. I feel like I have been too lax about sex and I need to get a grip on that aspect of my personality. I do enjoy sex, but I think that I have “slept around” (outside my 4 actual relationships) more than other girls is because I also do enjoy feeling sexy and wanted in that way. It probably stems from when I had bad body image back when I was 14 or so, and not realizing that men found me attractive, really, until college. Then maybe the last couple years I just went a little overboard because I realized that I could work my ‘feminine wiles’ and took them too far.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
When you realize you’re a caught in a loop
I realized the other day that I am a masochist. I thought to myself at my moment of realization, "well, at least, I’m only so in the emotional sense, not the physical," but then I realized that I might be worse off.
I was sitting alone when it dawned on me that if my ex, the damn artist, came back to me and said that he didn’t care about our problems, that he didn’t care about our issues, that he would always love me… I would jump right back into his skinny arms. Fuck me, I thought, I am a fucking masochist.
Why do I want the one thing that brought me as much pain as all other relationship pains combined? Why would I be with the ONE person who can and has hurt me more deeply and devastatingly than anyone else has come close to doing?
I left him! Why do I feel like he left me, and somewhere buried deep in my heart, I’m waiting for him to come back? Just this week, I sent him a text message to ask about an artist whose name I’d forgotten and when he called me back, my stomach was twisted into knots and was for the rest of the day. It kills me to think about him living with his steady-she-takes-care-of-me-and-loves-me girlfriend. I know he doesn’t like to think of me with other men, but where I would have thrown everything out to be together, he wouldn’t have.
And that’s why I left. And that’s why I feel like he left me. Because I knew that if I didn’t leave, one day he would have. And he wept in my arms about not being good enough for me, and yet, I didn’t want him to be good enough. I wanted to not be the second best option.
This isn’t love. This isn’t some movie romance where we end up together after it all. This is real life where we move on with our emotional bruises and scars, and I realize that I must be a masochist because those injuries draw me back time and again. There isn’t enough good in that relationship to pull me back so it has to be the agony.
Perhaps I should become an artist. Then I have an excuse for wanting to seek out my personal agony – to make great art. Yet, in the end, I simply wallow in the dark, alone.
I was sitting alone when it dawned on me that if my ex, the damn artist, came back to me and said that he didn’t care about our problems, that he didn’t care about our issues, that he would always love me… I would jump right back into his skinny arms. Fuck me, I thought, I am a fucking masochist.
Why do I want the one thing that brought me as much pain as all other relationship pains combined? Why would I be with the ONE person who can and has hurt me more deeply and devastatingly than anyone else has come close to doing?
I left him! Why do I feel like he left me, and somewhere buried deep in my heart, I’m waiting for him to come back? Just this week, I sent him a text message to ask about an artist whose name I’d forgotten and when he called me back, my stomach was twisted into knots and was for the rest of the day. It kills me to think about him living with his steady-she-takes-care-of-me-and-loves-me girlfriend. I know he doesn’t like to think of me with other men, but where I would have thrown everything out to be together, he wouldn’t have.
And that’s why I left. And that’s why I feel like he left me. Because I knew that if I didn’t leave, one day he would have. And he wept in my arms about not being good enough for me, and yet, I didn’t want him to be good enough. I wanted to not be the second best option.
This isn’t love. This isn’t some movie romance where we end up together after it all. This is real life where we move on with our emotional bruises and scars, and I realize that I must be a masochist because those injuries draw me back time and again. There isn’t enough good in that relationship to pull me back so it has to be the agony.
Perhaps I should become an artist. Then I have an excuse for wanting to seek out my personal agony – to make great art. Yet, in the end, I simply wallow in the dark, alone.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Dreaming of men...
I don’t know what it is about my subconscious, but it seems to decide to conjure up the most bizarre scenarios involving men.
Last night, I had a dream that I was in a room, sitting on a couch, and opposite me was my college colleague/2-time fling, my ex-boyfriend artist, and another college colleague/one-time interest. I was uninterested in the artist who I’ve always considered to be the love of my life (who I’ve dreamed about many a time – and we’re always breaking up or moving apart when I do), but I was into my 2-time fling (who happens to have been pursuing sex with me this summer). I ended up kissing the fling in front of the third guy who is a mutual friend of ours who was understandably shocked and confused by the interaction.
It was all so real and bizarre. I’ve gone through a break up where my dreams were so realistic and heart-breaking that I would wake up irrevocably depressed. I’ve had vivid dreams about sex with friends who I’ve never looked at sexually. I’ve dreamed of being pregnant and going baby clothes shopping with someone that I was horrified to be pregnant by. And many other bizarre incarnations of men I know.
The thing is that these dreams are all the same variety – strikingly real, regarding men, and burning in my mind when I wake up. I don’t know what I dream about and don’t remember, but these visions of men dance through my brain in stark contrast to dreamlike sequences I’d prefer to experience in my sleep.
What strikes me about these dreams is the visceral experience that they leave with me. I am physically and emotionally drawn into their false world and I can’t shake the feelings when I stumble back to being awake. It’s beyond my ability to comprehend the implications of this particular facet of my brain, but I wish that I had some answer for the lingering feelings I have when I wake up…
Last night, I had a dream that I was in a room, sitting on a couch, and opposite me was my college colleague/2-time fling, my ex-boyfriend artist, and another college colleague/one-time interest. I was uninterested in the artist who I’ve always considered to be the love of my life (who I’ve dreamed about many a time – and we’re always breaking up or moving apart when I do), but I was into my 2-time fling (who happens to have been pursuing sex with me this summer). I ended up kissing the fling in front of the third guy who is a mutual friend of ours who was understandably shocked and confused by the interaction.
It was all so real and bizarre. I’ve gone through a break up where my dreams were so realistic and heart-breaking that I would wake up irrevocably depressed. I’ve had vivid dreams about sex with friends who I’ve never looked at sexually. I’ve dreamed of being pregnant and going baby clothes shopping with someone that I was horrified to be pregnant by. And many other bizarre incarnations of men I know.
The thing is that these dreams are all the same variety – strikingly real, regarding men, and burning in my mind when I wake up. I don’t know what I dream about and don’t remember, but these visions of men dance through my brain in stark contrast to dreamlike sequences I’d prefer to experience in my sleep.
What strikes me about these dreams is the visceral experience that they leave with me. I am physically and emotionally drawn into their false world and I can’t shake the feelings when I stumble back to being awake. It’s beyond my ability to comprehend the implications of this particular facet of my brain, but I wish that I had some answer for the lingering feelings I have when I wake up…
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Taste of humble pie...
So, I had a new experience this last weekend… and it wasn’t a pleasant one, to say the least.
Now, I’m going to be honest here (as I always am). I’m a little vain. I’m pretty much used to guys that I go for responding positively and while I’ve had guys who’ve decided that things weren’t moving forward, I’ve never really been outright rejected.
And last weekend, I was. It was harsh.
This guy who I’ve been sleeping with for the last month or so basically told me that he “couldn’t see himself fall in love with me, so he wasn’t interested anymore” and that it was basically like “that book, He’s Just Not That Into You.”
Yeesh! I mean, I never expected/wanted a relationship and he’s not the type of guy I would fall for, in fact, I was just in it for the sex. I consider myself an excellent partner, so it’s a blow to the ego to have a guy who turns down what was essentially a “friends with benefits” arrangement. I know that occasionally (aka 2x) over the past two months I asked if he wanted to hang out and he said no, but I also had times where I wasn’t available to get together.
I think the surprise was in the sudden change. I mean, we hung out a week ago from last weekend and everything was fine Friday night, but when Saturday rolled around, I could tell something was different. We didn’t talk all week and when I texted him Saturday night (per his direction) he gave me the you-no-longer-interest-me speech (via text).
It hurt because I don’t like being rejected. Especially because I was being rejected when I didn’t even want to DATE him, let alone pursue anything close to love. But in the end, I think a little humility is good for me, and sometimes, even a mean text can help me stay grounded. ;-)
Now, I’m going to be honest here (as I always am). I’m a little vain. I’m pretty much used to guys that I go for responding positively and while I’ve had guys who’ve decided that things weren’t moving forward, I’ve never really been outright rejected.
And last weekend, I was. It was harsh.
This guy who I’ve been sleeping with for the last month or so basically told me that he “couldn’t see himself fall in love with me, so he wasn’t interested anymore” and that it was basically like “that book, He’s Just Not That Into You.”
Yeesh! I mean, I never expected/wanted a relationship and he’s not the type of guy I would fall for, in fact, I was just in it for the sex. I consider myself an excellent partner, so it’s a blow to the ego to have a guy who turns down what was essentially a “friends with benefits” arrangement. I know that occasionally (aka 2x) over the past two months I asked if he wanted to hang out and he said no, but I also had times where I wasn’t available to get together.
I think the surprise was in the sudden change. I mean, we hung out a week ago from last weekend and everything was fine Friday night, but when Saturday rolled around, I could tell something was different. We didn’t talk all week and when I texted him Saturday night (per his direction) he gave me the you-no-longer-interest-me speech (via text).
It hurt because I don’t like being rejected. Especially because I was being rejected when I didn’t even want to DATE him, let alone pursue anything close to love. But in the end, I think a little humility is good for me, and sometimes, even a mean text can help me stay grounded. ;-)
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Realist, I am
So, here I am today. I feel rather perplexed at my situation. The former lover is with a fantastic-sounding woman, yet he is secretly corresponding with me. I’m with a loving, darling of a boyfriend, who knows I’m talking to my ex, and yet, I’m feeling torn.
This former boyfriend, perhaps one could say, first true, passionate love, said to me today that we “seem to keep coming back to each other like aligning orbital bodies. Moving in and out of phase.” Why?
Why this ONE person? We’re both interesting, attractive, compelling people who have no trouble finding interesting, compelling partners, and yet we continue to circle back to each other…
Now, I’m a realist. I no longer naively think that this means that we’re “meant to be” or some such crap. He doesn’t ever want to get married, and I don’t believe in living with a guy before marriage. Sex, sure, but living together, nope. So, the logical answer is that one of us would have to change (not going to happen) or we never work out. Do I really want to find myself in my 30s with a guy who I can never really, deeply commit to? No. I don’t. I’m old enough now to know that I want to get married eventually and that I probably will want children sometime down the road.
Perhaps I just haven’t met the right person yet, the one who I will want to work things out with, or maybe this whole mess has a fairytale ending.
See, my other inner self is a hopeless romantic that wants this particular person to work. I see us in the future: the sexy businesswoman who supports her intense and electrifying artist husband and though they have firey fights sometimes, the flip-side of passion and intellectual stimulation makes it all worthwhile.
Sigh. Unfortunately, the realist in me says no.
This former boyfriend, perhaps one could say, first true, passionate love, said to me today that we “seem to keep coming back to each other like aligning orbital bodies. Moving in and out of phase.” Why?
Why this ONE person? We’re both interesting, attractive, compelling people who have no trouble finding interesting, compelling partners, and yet we continue to circle back to each other…
Now, I’m a realist. I no longer naively think that this means that we’re “meant to be” or some such crap. He doesn’t ever want to get married, and I don’t believe in living with a guy before marriage. Sex, sure, but living together, nope. So, the logical answer is that one of us would have to change (not going to happen) or we never work out. Do I really want to find myself in my 30s with a guy who I can never really, deeply commit to? No. I don’t. I’m old enough now to know that I want to get married eventually and that I probably will want children sometime down the road.
Perhaps I just haven’t met the right person yet, the one who I will want to work things out with, or maybe this whole mess has a fairytale ending.
See, my other inner self is a hopeless romantic that wants this particular person to work. I see us in the future: the sexy businesswoman who supports her intense and electrifying artist husband and though they have firey fights sometimes, the flip-side of passion and intellectual stimulation makes it all worthwhile.
Sigh. Unfortunately, the realist in me says no.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Down the rabbit hole
It's a funny thing when you find out. When you are reading in visceral detail the way that your former lover was with another woman and even though you left this guy, this boy, this person, it still gives you a knot in your stomach to think about him with another woman. Even though, you know that you are with someone new, someone who you go home to at night, who loves you and who you love back. Yet, it still twists a weird, unfortunate hole into your stomach and you wonder if that dull ache ever goes away.
It's been over a year since you walked away but you feel like it's been a lifetime and a day. Both. The immediate past and the indeterminate past. Little memories writhe at the surface as you're emailing again. Dammit. You're corresponding again.
Fuck this artwork. Fuck the past. Move on without so much as glancing back. You tell yourself.
And you repeat it over and over again and you remember the things you hated and you remembered the arguing and you remember. And you remember. And you remember. And it's awful and wonderful at the same time. You wander lost through those fucking memories and wonder how you've come to this point. Again.
Is your life stuck on rewind and repeat? Or does it only seem that way until you can cut away the past, with a dripping, angry blade, that shines when it cuts the fat from the meat. I want to cut away the past, but instead I hack away with this butter knife that does nothing but muck up the past and present and leave me with bloody pulp for an answer.
What the fuck am I doing?
It's been over a year since you walked away but you feel like it's been a lifetime and a day. Both. The immediate past and the indeterminate past. Little memories writhe at the surface as you're emailing again. Dammit. You're corresponding again.
Fuck this artwork. Fuck the past. Move on without so much as glancing back. You tell yourself.
And you repeat it over and over again and you remember the things you hated and you remembered the arguing and you remember. And you remember. And you remember. And it's awful and wonderful at the same time. You wander lost through those fucking memories and wonder how you've come to this point. Again.
Is your life stuck on rewind and repeat? Or does it only seem that way until you can cut away the past, with a dripping, angry blade, that shines when it cuts the fat from the meat. I want to cut away the past, but instead I hack away with this butter knife that does nothing but muck up the past and present and leave me with bloody pulp for an answer.
What the fuck am I doing?
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Surprising Compliment
Last weekend, I was leaving a bar with my boyfriend and friends, and when I walked outside (separated from the group) a guy looked straight at me and said, "You're hot!"
Wow, it was weird to be addressed so strongly by a stranger (albeit a drunk one), but flattering, so I said, "Thank you."
He was so excited! He said, "See! [to his friend] That's what I mean! This other girl was a bitch to me and she didn't need to be."
I smiled and continued walking, but it made me think. Why ARE women so quick, generally, to treat men harshly when they compliment us? Have we allowed feminism to make us cold? Are we so afraid of "bad men" that we can't accept a compliment?
I certainly don't have that answer, but from now on, my policy is: thank you.
Wow, it was weird to be addressed so strongly by a stranger (albeit a drunk one), but flattering, so I said, "Thank you."
He was so excited! He said, "See! [to his friend] That's what I mean! This other girl was a bitch to me and she didn't need to be."
I smiled and continued walking, but it made me think. Why ARE women so quick, generally, to treat men harshly when they compliment us? Have we allowed feminism to make us cold? Are we so afraid of "bad men" that we can't accept a compliment?
I certainly don't have that answer, but from now on, my policy is: thank you.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Past to Present
2002
The First Love
2003 The Smart One, The Creepy Actor*, The Older Unitarian*, The Passive Dancer
2004 The HS Best Friend, The Camp Counselor, The Goth One, The Cheater, The College Best Friend
2005 The Passionate Artist, The One Night Stand
2006 The Biology Student*, The Fuck Buddy
2007 The Clandestine Crush, The OTHER Friend, The Nice Guy
2008 The Comedian, The Marine, The Woman*, The Engineer
2009 The Coworker, The Sailor, The Husband
2010
2011 The Sergeant, The Soldier
2003 The Smart One, The Creepy Actor*, The Older Unitarian*, The Passive Dancer
2004 The HS Best Friend, The Camp Counselor, The Goth One, The Cheater, The College Best Friend
2005 The Passionate Artist, The One Night Stand
2006 The Biology Student*, The Fuck Buddy
2007 The Clandestine Crush, The OTHER Friend, The Nice Guy
2008 The Comedian, The Marine, The Woman*, The Engineer
2009 The Coworker, The Sailor, The Husband
2010
2011 The Sergeant, The Soldier
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