Why do it?

Here's a question. When you decide to do something, anything, why do you decide to do it?

I believe that this is an essential question that we have to ask ourselves in order to maintain a semblance of control on our own lives. If we never ask why then we must be pulled along by influences greater than ourselves.

Why should I have children? Why should I get married? Why should I take this job? Why should I love someone more than another?

The questions are endless. There are a million directions between here and tomorrow and yet life expects you to start somewhere. Anywhere. Sometimes it feels like I'm just moving along day by day without knowing what brought me to this place. I wonder if I asked myself why enough. Or if I did ask myself, did I really want to know the answer...

I don't know if I want to know the whys about myself some days. I feel like I won't like the answers. I realized lately that I've lost all sense of a moral compass. Ever since I stopped believing in Christian faith I stopped connecting to a greater moral order. I honestly never realized how lost I felt, from an ethical standpoint, until recently when I started asking myself "why am I doing X thing?" And I realized that I have lost my belief structure, which has left me floundering, trying to decide what the right decisions are.

Is it easier just to believe in something, a higher power, a religious organization, in order to give your life structure? To answer the why? Or does it mean that you aren't strong enough to make decisions based on your intellect and experience? To base them on what you've personally experienced and can grasp?

I can't go back to what I grew up in, but I need to find something to hold onto. I suppose I will just have to keep asking myself why before I make decisions and hope I decide for the right reasons.

Getting the most out of a life

What does it mean to "get the most out of life"?

I would genuinely like to know the answer to this question. I think about it all the time lately and it only makes me more unsure of what fulfillment is. It seems that "fulfillment" is really the key idea here - if you get the MOST you can from life, then you have found fulfillment. Or I suppose you've at least found a reason to live that makes you feel like you have a purpose. Though, is having a purpose the same as being fulfilled?

So, maybe the key is more than being fulfilled. Maybe it's having a sense of WHY you live to go hand in hand with the WHAT you live for... Maybe you feel fulfilled when you have a purpose in life? In that case, what if your life's purpose is compromised or you're betrayed by those who helped cultivate that very purpose?

For example, what if you're a woman for whom being a great mom and a devoted wife is your number one purpose for living (this lifestyle would work for ME, but it works for some women, my mother included) and then your husband cheats? He has betrayed you and your children. Now do you feel like you were living for a lie? I think that some women would be devastated by such an action, but other women would cling to the idea that being a mother is valuable enough that their husbands' infidelities would not supersede their purpose.

Now, another example, say you've worked your entire life for a company only to get to the top and find corruption, greed, and/or illegal acts... How would you feel knowing that your life's work contributed to the success of an inherently immoral corporation? I think this would depend on the extent of the corruption (just the CEO or the whole executive team) the affects of the corruption (padding expense accounts vs. distributing medications with undisclosed and deadly side effects) and of course, your own ethical beliefs.

Regardless, I want to know what makes life worthwhile because I DESIRE a life lived to the fullest extent. I hate the idea of waking up in 10, 15, or 20 years and saying, "where did my passion go?" or "when did I leave all my dreams behind?" I just can't live knowing that is going to be the outcome. It makes me feel ill to think of living in a suburban home with a white picket fence and an extra 30 pound of "baby weight". Ugh. What a nightmare.

Then, I have to weigh my husband's desires. He's so very all-American. He totally wants to go off to his successful and fulfilling job and come home to his beautifully maintained home with a kid or two and the dog waiting for him by the door. Now, he knows that I want to live and work internationally, which he says he is open to doing, but at the same time, he talks about these other (more traditional) desires. I realize now that I was too quick to get married. I love him but at the same time I'm having a harder and harder time understanding how we're going to make our lives work together without one person making massive, soul-crushing compromises. I thought that I would want the things he wants, but the more I get into my new career, the less those things appeal to me.

Of course, I would never leave him, but I can see myself allowing him to leave me if he can't accept what I want anymore. I feel like it might happen in the next five to seven years and it will be about children. Honestly, I can't bear the idea of being pregnant. There is not one iota of my personality that wants to be a mother. I feel a little ill and disoriented thinking about having a fetus (eek!) growing in my uterus. He knows that I'm really weird about kids, but I know he doesn't think I'm never going to want kids. I used to assume that I would eventually get a big dose of hormones and get baby fever, but now I'm just not sure. I'm in my mid-twenties and I don't want kids just as much as I didn't want them in my early-twenties... And this is exactly why I think he might not be able to handle it down the road.

Who knows though. Maybe I will get the baby fever. Maybe I will want to live in the States. Maybe I will want to coordinate car pool schedules. Maybe those things will make me feel fulfilled.

But in the end, at the core, my instincts tell me that I will need something more to get the most out of life...

Frustration and Irritation

It's so irritating when the person with whom you're in a relationship cannot seem to understand what you do. I have a very specific career right now (yes, I know it's been MONTHS since I last blogged) and I'm not always able to share every single detail with my boyfriend (no, not the one with bad manners, broke up with that one over a year ago and have been dating the current one since May 2009). He needs to just deal with it and realize that we don't need to share every single minute detail to be close.

AGH!

But then again, maybe I'm just irritated because I'm confused. Things are VERY serious with this boyfriend. More serious than I've ever been with anyone else. So serious my mother is basically planning a wedding (despite the fact that I am NOT engaged yet) and my family has talked to me about my relationship a thousand times of late. The thing is, I don't feel ready to be engaged. I'm not certain that this guy is The One. I don't think he's not but I'm so buried in my career at the moment that it's hard for me to make such a major decision. Really. I know it sounds like a cop out but I just can't deal with the concept of being married. I'm just not prepared to be a married lady.

Well, I mean, part of me can definitely see myself being married to this boyfriend. I can see the little kids (ack!) running around a lawn with a boat and an SUV parked next to the urban home; however, I can just as easily see me owning my own fabulous condo and working a crazy international job where I'm hardly ever in the U.S. I just can't make the decision on how I want my life to look, at least not quite yet, not with so much to do for my career, and I feel like I'm getting swept toward making a decision. I'm irritated that I don't know how to cope with this level of seriousness and I'm frustrated that I'm being pushed along almost against my will.

I feel like I don't know how to say that I'm not ready and I'm afraid that things won't go well because I feel pressured to be "ready." I feel like if I'm totally honest about my doubts with my family that they'll simply assume the relationship won't work and then I'll never get their support for it when I am ready. I know that sounds stupid, but they are very black & white about these kind of things and it's extremely difficult to be honest.

So, what is my biggest concern, other than my career? It's his type of intelligence. He is very smart, but in a totally different way than I am and I get irritated sometimes when he doesn't understand things the way that I do. Also, he's not as verbal as I am and so sometimes he doesn't express himself very well. I want other people to think he's smart and to respect him and I'm not totally sure that they do. I know my family has been concerned that he's too "quiet" for me, which isn't true. Yet, I like having a partner of whom other people think highly. Once people get to know him they really like him, but it's that first impression that isn't always strong.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm frustrated that I don't know. I'm irritated that I can't get a handle on it.

I simply don't know.

Why I don't wear diamonds

There is something about watching a film that highlights the suffering of others. Something that pulls on my heart and makes me wonder - what in fuck am I doing with my life? Something almost visceral in the images as they flash forth and burn themselves into my gray matter and make me realize how hard it is to truly be involved in alleviating the world's suffering. Something that seems so tangible in the moment and yet so fleeting in the large scope.

Maybe that's why I've never done anything in my life except not wear diamonds.

There are many things about which I care, sometimes even enough to argue over, but not as many things about which I make a firm stance as diamonds. You can only avoid so many human tragedies in an American life - child labor that makes your clothes cheap, forced labor that brings the raw materials for your computer, destruction of the rain forests that gives you a caffeine buzz at your local cafe, and so many more. Regardless, I've decided not to be involved in the purchase of diamonds. Yes, I realize that there are plenty of diamonds that are not conflict stones, plenty that supply decent, hard-working Canadians mine and sell, but the point is that every woman or man who decides to purchase a diamond perpetuates the industry. Every. Single. One. When that girl shows off her diamond engagement ring to her girlfriends, she is showing them something they think they want. Because they want it, their boyfriends will buy them and present them in a romantic setting as if that shiny rock bodes well for their future together.

And somewhere between the earth and their sparkly future together, some of those stones financed child soldiers and mercenaries and death. And despite all my failings as an American consumer, I have chosen not to participate in that cycle. There is a part of me that is simply unwilling to put such a morbid symbol on my hand to signify a lifetime of partnership and love. And that's simply why, of all things, I don't wear diamonds.

When you suddenly like being single... really

So, I was thinking last night, and I believe that I’m in a place, maybe for the first time, where I actually don’t WANT a relationship. And it’s not the "oh, I’m feeling all female-pride-y" either. For once, I’m just busy, and I don’t have room in my schedule for a boyfriend. It’s weird to say, but I’ve never been the type, at least until now, who couldn’t see where a guy would fit in, but I can’t see where he would fit in…

Now-a-days, I get up at 6:35 in the morning, get ready, go to work, work until 5:30 - rarely taking lunch, go straight to taekwondo, class until 7 or 8 depending on the night, then it’s home to eat & get ready for bed, and hit the hay by 10ish. Where in the world am I going to stick a guy in there?! I mean, weekends sure, but I generally have plans of some kind with friends or family, so maybe one weekend-night per week I could see someone. Now, for a lot of guys, that sounds like a perfect relationship, but for a lot it doesn’t. And for me, well, I don’t WANT to “have” to plan to see someone at least once a week.

It is weird how getting into a groove with work and hobbies and friends can so easily become important. It seems that I finally prefer getting to bed at a decent hour than canoodling with a boy. I mean, in college, no problemo! I was always up for doing everything, I thought, and then would get exhausted or sick or neglect my friends to make room for a guy. Now, I neglect my friends regardless, but only during the week, ha. It makes me wonder a little if this is how women end up 35 and single, but I just can't seem to be worried by that possibility.

What does it say about a person when he/she finally comes to a place where a relationship just isn’t that important? Where it doesn’t seem fulfilling anymore?

So, it's settled

So, things are over, again, for the most recent boyfriend and me. I canceled our plan to spend last night together, and he freaked out last night. We had a big fight because he felt like I hadn’t been making enough time for him (true) and that if the relationship was really working that I would want to see him more (true). I explained that I wasn’t trying to distance him and that I haven’t been seeing a lot of people lately since I’ve been so focused on work and martial arts.

We argued over why we got back together this summer and basically called me manipulative and said that I was happy only when we were seeing each other secretly because that was “exciting.” He said that I don’t let him "in" emotionally, and I tried to explain that when I do, he doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. Then, he was really angry when I tried to explain that his smoking was really getting to me because he had quit and started again. And then he called me shallow when I tried to explain that he doesn’t really fit in with my life. He was all, “you know I have social anxiety!” Well, that’s sad, but if I’m unhappy because of it (I’m social! I like people! Sometimes I need to take him to client events and what, he’s going to hide in the corner?!), how does it make sense for us to be together? I didn’t mention the health thing, but he has gained weight and as I’m getting more fit, it bothers me that he’s not active at all (I've mentioned it in the past).

I feel the worst because he’s hurt and upset and thinks that I 'never saw a future for us'. And to make it worse, yesterday happened to be our one-year anniversary. Yeesh. I also feel badly because I don’t feel sad that we’re not together. I just feel sort of relieved not to be worrying about it anymore. It’s like the last 6 months I’ve spent realizing that it’s not the right fit, no matter how “nice” and “loving” and "steady" he is, and not wanting to hurt him (I know, I know, never a good plan) and I ended up making it all worse.

I feel like I need to have a clean slate. I need to just take a deep breath and not be involved in any drama or relationship. I want to focus on my friends, my training, and of course, my work. I want to decide what I’m DOING with my life and be doing it by next year, and having distractions like a bad relationship aren’t going to help me. I mean, I’ve spent the last 6 years in a relationship basically without real time away from it – high school boyfriend (a year), dancer (7 months), artist (a year), HS boyfriend again (8 months), artist again (7 months), most recent ex twice (7 months, 3 months). I say this every time I end something, but I realize now that the pattern isn’t being broken. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm done settling. I want to be with someone I'm passionate about, and I'm not going to get involved again unless it's something really special. No casual dating, nothing until it's completely worth my time and energy.

Feeling the blues...

So, it's been a while since I've written here, and I feel that I need to just vent some things, get them off my chest, so-to-speak.

First, I know I shouldn’t get the “everyone around me” is doing better than I am feeling, but it’s just so weird to see so many people I went to high school with (who all went to fancy, private universities, which always makes me feel a little badly) running off and getting married and engaged or whatever. I don't want to be married, but it makes me feel like maybe I'm missing a gene or something. Am I so pathetic that I can't find someone who wants to be with me.

I think that with the current boyfriend, at this point, I don’t want to hurt him more than I want to get out. Yes, we got back together, and now I'm not sure why. I see him maybe 2x per week and there’s really no one else who has sparked my interest, so I figure it’ll hurt him less for now. I know that's a terrible way to look at it. He IS fun one-on-one and I do enjoy our time together.

I don’t know WHAT the computer guy is doing still here, but I’m just not going to spend time with him again unless it’s getting coffee to say a last “good-bye” before he moves away. I feel a little ugh about sleeping with him anyway. The ex-boyfriend artist is certainly in the past, but it just reminds me how I wasn’t good “enough” to be worth his long-term time. I know that people don’t change for you, generally, but sometimes I wish someone would.

Then, I've been feeling oddly jealous of my roommate - a woman I've never felt even remotely jealous of in the past. Our neighbor is clearly into her and is flirting with her all over the place. I guess, it's weird for me because normally I’m fairly appalled by her choice in men, and just get annoyed when she’s all over them because they give her the littlest attention in return. I’m just not used to her going for guys that I actually think are decent, DATEBALE men (she’s gone for guys I thought were attractive before, but not actually date-worthy). Her innocent, never take it anywhere, ever does bug me, but maybe I should set the same standard for myself.

Part of my slump comes from hanging out with my neighbors, aside from the flirting with my roommate, because they actually have skills. One is an amazing musician, and the other is a really skilled handyman, and those are just their hobbies! I feel like I don’t have any one thing that I’m really good at and I don’t feel like my skill set is all that special anyway. I’m a decent, but not record-setting salesperson, I was a strong, but not exception student, I’m cute, but not beautiful, I’m intelligent, but not brilliant, I’m motivated, but not truly driven, etc. I know that I can change things about my life and work harder, but sometimes I realize that it’s just not “in me” and I feel that I can’t really get any more out of life because I have nothing “great” to put into living. I know that sounds all dire and pessimistic, but I’m just noting that some people have talents that sometimes I wish I possessed. You know, maybe part of it is that I feel like I never REALLY get the things that I want the most in life.

On a little different note, I think our culture certainly influences us to feel the need to be sexual beings more than we should be. It’s weird because most Europeans seem to be sexy looking, but without the feeling that they need to act on it. I feel like I have been too lax about sex and I need to get a grip on that aspect of my personality. I do enjoy sex, but I think that I have “slept around” (outside my 4 actual relationships) more than other girls is because I also do enjoy feeling sexy and wanted in that way. It probably stems from when I had bad body image back when I was 14 or so, and not realizing that men found me attractive, really, until college. Then maybe the last couple years I just went a little overboard because I realized that I could work my ‘feminine wiles’ and took them too far.

The New Year

I guess it's that time of year to begin thinking about what I want to change next year. I've never been much for resolutions. Not because I'm against them, I've just never gotten into making them. It seems too often that people make resolutions that they can't keep or give up on very quickly. Perhaps it's because we believe that our resolutions have to be momentous in order for them to "count." I don't know. Major changes happen over time and cannot truly happen over night. It's not like we can wake up a new person on Jan. 1. 

So, my boyfriend is quitting smoking. That's exciting, but it's something that will be a tough process and one that will take him years (?) to completely, totally be rid of it. He's really going to try. He's starting to jog with me and he's loading up on nicotine gum/patches. I hope that he can make it longer than the 30 hours he made it last year. ha.

Me, well, that's a different story. I guess my goal should be to focus at work more (unlike what I'm currently doing). I definitely want to pursue my New Life Plan (henceforth, NLP) by researching and gathering information. Yep, those two things are it. But then, how do I do that most successfully? I have a lot of trouble focusing in the office and it's a little overwhelming thinking about all the work I need to do to get moving on a project like the one I want to begin. So, perhaps, my resolution should actually be to take my goals one day at a time.

Much better, I believe.