Do you believe in karma?

Do you think that karma exists? Is there really a supernatural or cosmic balancing scale that evens out the good and bad choices we make in life?

I really don't know about karma, but it certainly feels like it exists sometimes. Though, overall, I think there are too many examples of too many evil people getting away with their crimes their entire lives to believe in it. Yet, I suppose if I was getting on-board with karma, those evil doers would come back as cockroaches and get their just returns in their next life.

Anyway, this post really isn't about whether I believe in karma. It's more about my going through a time of comeuppance lately. I made some very selfish decisions last year from July to December and in December I was called out on my self-serving ways by a person who is no longer my friend. It was fair on her part to ditch me. I don't begrudge her anything. I do miss being friends with her and I wish I had never hurt her more than anything.

I have always recognized that I'm a self-centered person and a judgmental one too. I want people to agree with me and I can be pretty harsh toward people who don't view the world the same way I do. It's strange. Some things I know I see as too black and white when I should see a spectrum from one to the other. Then other things I see too many shades of gray where there should only be two colors and a clear line between them. I think the stress I'm going through lately is what I deserve for the choices I made. And the worst part is that I don't regret ALL of my choices, even though I should, I only regret the choice I was called out on. Well, and one other one. But that was more out of embarrassment for being an idiot than anything else.

What does that say about me if I can live with myself like this? I think it says that I'm selfish and I don't always feel guilty when I make certain types of choices. I made three bad decisions last year and even though they were equally self serving, I would only take back two of them. Wow. It's weird to admit that to myself even.

Here's what I'm trying to take away from last year in combination with how I've been feeling lately... It's not worth it to be selfish. I need to realize that it's not fair to the people who you love and care about to choose to act based on what you want and not based on what the right thing is. This well-deserved "karma" I'm dealing with is just a reminder that I really do need to make better choices.

Besides, next time my karma might be a lot worse than feeling stressed...

What do I say?

I couldn't figure out how to start this post. I'm honestly not sure what to say. My life is just too complicated these days to put the whole thing into words.

First, someone I've gotten to know very well since the summer, someone who's almost become one of my best friends, isn't speaking to me. He has his own crap going on in his life, so I can't be selfish and get mad at him, but it hurts my feelings. I feel abandoned and that makes it harder to accept that I shouldn't be "selfish". If that even makes sense. I know that what he is going through it much worse than my petty issues, but despite that, I can't make myself FEEL better about the situation.

Second, someone else I thought was a friend, not as close of a friend, but a friend none-the-less, is treating me badly. I feel like sometimes I want people to like me, which is something everyone does, so I allow them to treat me in a way that's hurtful. I put myself in this situation, I chose it. I realize that. I don't know why I do this to myself though. That's the real question of the day.

Why do I allow certain friends to be awful to me? It only hurts me in the long run. It doesn't build my self esteem or make me into a better person. It just brings me down and confuses me. And it's unhealthy.

I wish I knew how to change the way that I act. I wish that I could figure out how to stop being the way that I am and actually become a better person. I wish I wasn't stuck in my own self generated cycle of pain. I wish I knew what to say.

I need to learn how to be catty...

I recently attended a dance event and I had a drama-filled moment straight out of "Mean Girls."

So, my roommate has been mixed up in a love triangle with a guy (her half Indian-half Black lover) who is also involved with a slutty dancer. Well, recently, the guy has almost exclusively spent his time with my roommate and has started to avoid Slutty at dance events... to a degree.

Now, I have to give you background on this girl so you get the full picture. She is the ULTIMATE slutty bitch. She pretends she doesn't know you to make herself feel cool (even if she has met you a dozen times), she talks loudly about her sexual exploits and occasionally strips at blues parties (risque even for a slutty scene) and is slender with emo-looking long, black hair and pale skin. She loves attention and mostly hates girls who aren't her puppies (TOTAL Regina George without being blond)

Alright, so we're at the Friday night late night dance and I'm talking to my boyfriend's roommate. Slutty slides up to her (the boyfriend's roommate) purposely with her back away from me to cut me out of the conversation I was having. She sort of turns when the roommate introduces me (side note: she knows who I am perfectly well), and it goes like this...

Me (loudly) "oh no, you know me, I'm [my roommate's name here]'s roommate."
Her (distainful look) "who?"
Me (evil glint in my eye) "You know, [name], [the guy]'s main lady"
Her (pissy look) "oh, I don't pay ATTENTION to people like that"
My boyfriend's roomie (totally oblivious, as always) "[me] has her own brown man"
(seriously, who says that?! My boyfriend is half Asian)
Me "Oh, yes, I'm dating [him]"
Her (catty look) "ooooooooooh, I knoow him (dramatic pause) INtimately"

ACK!!!!!!!!!!!! I know she's fucked everyone in the dance scene, but AAAAAAACK! I just smiled and then she wandered away. But man I was PISSED! My boyfriend has always been very clear that he thinks she is a manipulative slut and I find out (from her!) that he has banged her! EW!

I talked to him about it (apparently it was 4 years ago when he was super drunk and didn't know who she was). After I explained what Slutty had said to me, he got super upset at her for pulling something like that and now refuses to speak to her even more pointedly than he had before this. lol.

My knew-jerk response to it is revulsion combined with annoyance that he didn't tell me first, but then again, it's not like I haven't slept with guys who I wouldn't want other people to know about. ;-)

As a side note, when I saw her the next night, I just gave her a nice smile and walked past, and did she look angry. mahahahahah. It was worth it to get my jab in for my roommate ;-)

Point of story... It was THE cattiest experience of my life and it taught me that I need more snappy comebacks (ha).

Friendship is a funny thing...

Well, I have not written in a while, but here I go again… I have officially gone overboard regarding the ex-boyfriend-artist and am writing yet an(other) blog about it. I guess, as usual, I'm over thinking and thus emoting (via the cold, heartless medium of the web)

I know that things got a bit out-of-line between us last year (an emotional affair is, after all, generally considered worse than a physical one) and that that could be why he has scaled back on our friendship (he stopped talking to me, yet again, when I left for Europe)

or it could be that I have a boyfriend

or that he got tired of my friendship

or that he felt awkward

And this is what has always been so odd for me in regards to his and my interactions over the past 3 and 1/2 years (I'm counting that as since the first time that we broke up, ha). It drives me INSANE that there is hardly ever a good answer for why he stops talking to me or why he doesn’t respond for months and then suddenly changes his mind. And while I appreciate (and frankly, admire) his ability to drop off the face of the Earth, it still sits uncomfortably with me (aka makes me go slightly crazy thinking it over, sigh).

It's just that I'm such a different type of communicator... I can’t just stop talking to someone. It’s nearly impossible. I go on and on and on and babble and explain and meander through ideas, but in the end, when he pulls back, it's a mystery. Now, it’s not like I’m asking for some deep, spiritual insight into the inner-workings of his "am I talking to her or not" psyche, but it IS a little over-the-top. And yes, I know that his whole ‘artist’ persona is over-the-top so to speak, but after finally watching 'Vicky Christina Barcelona' combined with several experiences of late, I have decided that I just don't care.

Here's what I know - I thoroughly enjoy being in conversation with him, I find him stimulating and intriguing, I know that he and I both need to be with someone OTHER than each other, and I miss it when he’s not somewhere in the framework of my life.

Is that so wrong?

Here is my thought... We're both in relationships, which is great. Can’t we still be friends and have interesting, thought-provoking conversations without straying into dangerous territory?! If however, he is tired of my friendship and doesn’t find me interesting at this time, I will have to just accept that.

I guess that I realized that I like having people in my life who love art and ideas and creativity, and those people don't come along very often. To be cliché, life is too short to not experience it to its fullest.

Notes from Europe

Part I – Spain

My best friend met me at the airport in Barcelona (I flew out the morning of Dec. 25 and arrived in Spain the morning of Dec. 26). We went straight to our hostel (where I was chided by the lady at the front desk for saying dollars not euros) and had breakfast and then I needed a nap before doing anything. It was raining, but we decided to go check out a couple places. We had a late lunch at a traditional Spanish place where the waiter fell in love with my friend and left her his email address. We came back to the hostel, tried to go to the sauna, which was closed. We got ready (you have to always look nice when you go out here) and went to a lounge called Dry Martini that has 100 different martinis. It turned out to be an old man bar! There were all these women tossing their furs and acting like we must be gold diggers! Also, we discovered that we don’t actually like dry martinis, ha. We then got dinner (the Spanish eat dinner at about 10pm) at this cool hotel. Then, I was trying to find the bathrooms and I ended up locking myself out of the restaurant and in a staircase. I eventually found my way to a parking garage and then ran back to the front door. It was quite the adventure. After that, it was pouring down rain and both our umbrellas broke and so we huddled under one semi-broken umbrella and went back to the hostel.

Sigh, it was still raining hard, so we slept in and then went to the sauna. There, an angry lady yelled at us in broken English to get out of the hotub (even though there were NO signs) because it was apparently cleaning itself. And for some reason, they have it set up to clean every 15 minutes... Who does that? I wanted to swim a few laps but they require you to wear a cap so we went back to the sauna. The showers are all push button and so it’s kind of funny to shower. My friend wanted to go to the movies, and I had a cold, so I took a long nap after we had lunch at an Egyptian place. They have a tradition in Spain to offer you drinks at the end of your meal, so they gave us this SUPER thick honey tea. Ugh. Anyway, after my nap, we met an Argentinean guy at the hostel and we decided to go to dinner. On the way, it started to POUR rain again, so we ran into the nearest place with food. It turned out to be a very weird Chinese buffet with the most bizarre collection of food options I’ve ever seen at a buffet. They don’t have Diet Coke (I know, gasp!) so I drink “Coca-Cola Light” instead, lol. We came back to the hostel to get ready to go out dancing. The first club we went to was SUPER sketchy (aka you will get robbed) so we didn’t even go in. We decided to go to a place called Club Fellini that my friend’s Italian friend recommended. It was pretty fun but I got a little bored because everyone was chatting in Spanish and all I could say was si, si... :-P

Finally, the weather was better, so we went to Barcelona’s Gothic Quarter. We saw the most amazing cathedral that was build in 1328. It was pretty awe-inspiring. The main cathedral is under construction, which was a little disappointing, but the whole district was cool. We had brunch at a great restaurant called Milk that is run by British folks. We got some souvenirs and took quite a few pics. When we stopped for drinks by the Picasso museum, I managed to lock myself in a men's bathroom because I got confused by the signs. There are a lot of coed bathrooms in Europe, lol. Around midnight, we went to see the Gaudi church which is usually lit up at night (unfortunately, it wasn’t) and then had weird "beef" (aka mystery meat) hamburgers at a very small and smoky restaurant with lots of old men singing loudly to a juke box. ;) We realized at 3:30 am that we had forgotten to book a place to stay in Paris our first night here, essentially that night! So we only got 2 hours of sleep, yikes! We eventually found a place though.

In the rainy morning, we took a train through the countryside to see Montserra. It was pretty cool but we got confused and couldn't get the door to open at our stop so we ended up sitting at a lonely train stop in the middle of nowhere to wait for a train back, lol. And no, we never made it up the mountain… When we got back to the city, we saw the amazing palace and Plaza de Catalonya before we caught the bus to Girons, where we caught our flight to France. I chatted with some nice French people in line to start working up for Paris.

Part 2 – France

We arrived in Beauvais, France at 9:30ish pm. From there, we took a bus to Paris. It was SO cold when we arrived, but when we got off the metro at our hotel's stop and walked up the stairs, we were literally at the Arc of Triumph at the Champs d'Elysee!! It was amazing.

It was snowing and we were really cold, so we walked the Champs d'Elysee looking at the stores and searching for hats! We both got cute ones, mine is very French :-P We of course checked out the L’arc de Triomph in the daylight as well. We then wandered through our neighborhood so my friend could find warmer shoes and I ate at my first real French cafe. In my opinion, the baguettes are just as delicious as they say! We caught the metro to our hostel and saw the Place d'Italie. Everything is still lit for Christmas and beautiful. At the hostel (called "Oops! Hostel") we shared our room with 2 Brazillian girls who were nice, but we don't hang out. We had Italian dinner (in France, I know) and then we were so tired that we went to the movies. We saw "Australia" with subtitles in French. It was so bad that people were actually laughing at it. Oh the French. Afterward, we attempted to check out some clubs recommended by a French employee at the hostel but got lost, so we took the last metro home at 1 am. However, an hour later, we met two guys from our hostel and decided to check out a couple places. One is from Baghdad and one is from Saudi Arabia. The first club we went to was even more sketchy than the one in Barcelona (I actually felt someone try to pickpocket my empty coat pocket) and so we went to a place called 6-7. It was a ton of fun and we didn’t get back to bed until 6 am! A French guy in the club kept telling me that he “hates Americans, but loves America” wtf?

We slept super late, and decided to take it easy. We had traditional French food at a brasserie across the street and got a GIANT crème brulee. We bought real French champagne, got ready, and went off the Eiffel Tower for the countdown. The two Arab guys we met and some of their friends came along, which was SO fun. All the guys are studying in Britain and have adorable British accents. The Eiffel Tower was just amazing. The Metro was PACKED with people. Everyone was singing and drinking on the way to the tower (not our group) and these Spaniards kept yelling “are you tired?!” and then responding “no!” It was like camp, haha. The Tower is all lit up and sparkly but they don’t do a big fireworks show. When we popped our champagne bottles, it was kind of a mess, but totally worth it. We eventually walked to the nearest not-completely-packed Metro, got food, and then realized we were 2 stops away from our hostel, but were on the very last train running. Oops! We got off as close to our hostel as we could and then navigated the streets with my little map of Paris. Overall, a VERY fun night!

The city was pretty quiet on New Years Day, but we had to be up before 11 am to move to our last hostel, close to Place de la Republique. We dropped off our bags, and had lunch before taking photos of the statue there, then headed to Place de la Bastille. It’s pretty interesting to think about that prison once being there when it’s now just a statue. Let me tell you, Paris is FREEZING this time of year, so all our sightseeing was COLD! :-P We then took the metro (where a drunken French man took offense to the fact that he tripped me and started yelling. The entire car was cracking up as he was swearing all over the place, and then he took out a bottle of wine to swig) out to the Ile-de-France to see Notre Dame. It was my favorite experience in Paris. When you walk in, it’s so overwhelming I was just silent. It’s such a moving experience to finally be somewhere that you’ve wanted to see with your own eyes for the first time. We also took our pictures with a man dressed up like Quasimodo out front, lol. At this point, completely frozen into ice cubes, we had to head back to our hostel.

We did the Louvre. It’s hard to put into words what this museum is like. It’s so immense, you can’t imagine until you arrive. I particularly enjoyed the sculpture section and the Objects d’Art, which includes Napoleon’s rooms… Unbelievable. That night, my coworker was in Paris (random I know) so we all went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant, lol. The margaritas were excellent as was the food, but (not gonna lie) it was not quite the same as American-Mexican food. :-P We decided to go out and had a “cultural confusion” experience. We went back to 6-7 and discovered it was Ladies Night. Now, in the US, this means you get in free and there are probably good drink deals. In France, it means there are male strippers! A stripper actually stripped down to his jock strap, then draped himself in the American flag before pulling a girl FROM THE CROWD who he wrapped into the flag while she went down on him! AAAAAH! We left shortly after, mahah. By the way, I never knew girls would go so crazy over strippers... That night, I don't know what struck me (the drinks? the city?) but I decided to sleep with my coworker! It was probably not the best idea, but he does have a GREAT body, so oh well! It's Paris, you know...

Our last full day in Paris, we decided to go to the Moulin Rouge. First though, we had crepes from a stand because we realized we hadn’t eaten them in France! Yum. We had really wanted to see a show at the Moulin, but they were completely sold out the entire time we were there. After getting food in a little café, we went down and wandered around Montmartre picking out gifts for family and trying to avoid being robbed. We also saw Sacre Coeur, which is really as beautiful as you’ve been told. That night, we decided to go back to the Mexican restaurant because the people were super nice and the food was good. They brought us shots on the house to say “au revoir” which was funny.

At 4 am, we got up to head to Charles de Gaulle, and the whole thing was kind of a fiasco. It drives me a little crazy that customer service doesn’t open until 8 am in the Metro, but we managed to get there in time and my friend just barely caught her flight out to Madrid. I had a little problem at security when I was stopped because I had forgotten that I packed a gift for my brother – a pocketknife – which they made me throw away. :-( Sad times. My 11 hour flight home was directly to Seattle, and wasn’t too bad except the SCREAMING baby for much of it (thank goodness for earplugs and head phones). All in all, it was a great trip and I cannot WAIT to go back to Paris in the summertime. ;-)

Making out and saving face

Here goes... On Halloween, I made friends with this attractive dancer guy who I didn’t see again until I went out dancing last week. My roommate was with me of course, and he invited me to go do karaoke with some other dancers. I brought the roommie along, of course. It was fun and they have a lot in common about music, but he and I were definitely flirting. He ended up hanging out until like 3 am. During the evening, he got my roommate's number because I was driving and he wanted to be able to call if he got separated.

So, then, Saturday night, roommate and I went to a blues party. I drank a fair amount and was rather drunk during the party. I was being my normal self, dancing with lots of people, having a good time, and ended up making out with the guy in a hallway. He was definitely drunk too, and my roommate apparently saw us kissing, which she mentioned to me on the ride home. Now, that’s all fine and fun, but yesterday, the guy (who also spent quite a while talking/dancing with my roommie at the party) asked her to hang out after she got off work, and she agreed.

Now, don’t you think that’s a little weird? I mean, she SEES me making out with him and the next day, goes out with him… She claimed that they were just “hanging out” but come on. A guy calls and asks you to hang out one-on-one if he likes you. Now, I wasn’t totally surprised because I saw the interest when he started talking with her more about music. BUT if the situation had been reversed, Alissa would have been unbelievably pissed off at me. I mean, she would have been SO hurt and mad. Yet, when it’s her getting the attention and her getting the phone call, she’s immediately playing like she’s unaware of what the situation really is about. I told her that I’m not mad, which I’m not, it’s more annoyed than angry.

Part of me feels like this is payback. Freshman year of college, she had a major crush on a mutual friend of ours, which I didn’t really know too much about because she and I weren’t super close friends then. I ended up making out with him a few times at parties at the start of the next year, which apparently really upset her, even though she knew that he didn’t like her back. Then, well, she was involved with this OTHER mutual friend, who she was secretly in love with, but who was not interested in having a relationship with her. A year or so later, he was interested in me and even though I didn’t sleep with him, the roommate knew we had a little dalliance and was hurt by it. So, I feel like maybe the passive-aggressive part of her is secretly or even subconsciously getting payback. And so, in that sense, I don’t fault her because I did fuck up in the past.

And to be honest, it kind of bruises my ego as well, I’ll admit. Your roommate gets called by the guy you made out with?? Really?? Am I that uninteresting?! Here’s the thing, I feel more frustrated with myself for making out with him after I’d been drinking than about the fact that he called her. I feel like sometimes I sell myself short when I act like that. Also, I guess I realize that some guys think that her cute, little, innocent act is more appealing than the more forward, intense (and occasionally drunk) personality that I have, and in cases like this, I feel like I should be more controlled and less drunkenly rambunctious.

So, last night, after they hung out doing whatever, they came back to our apartment to play the Wii. It was already 11 pm so I needed to get sleep. So, I pulled my hair into a cute headband, slipped on PJ shorts that I know look good, and your fav blue sweatshirt with no bra, zipped down a little bit low… And pranced out in the living room to give him a hug (and a chance to check out my ass, which he did) and the pranced off to bed like everything was just fine. It was shallow and terrible, but I guess I was looking for a way to salvage a little bit of my ego...

Feeling the blues...

So, it's been a while since I've written here, and I feel that I need to just vent some things, get them off my chest, so-to-speak.

First, I know I shouldn’t get the “everyone around me” is doing better than I am feeling, but it’s just so weird to see so many people I went to high school with (who all went to fancy, private universities, which always makes me feel a little badly) running off and getting married and engaged or whatever. I don't want to be married, but it makes me feel like maybe I'm missing a gene or something. Am I so pathetic that I can't find someone who wants to be with me.

I think that with the current boyfriend, at this point, I don’t want to hurt him more than I want to get out. Yes, we got back together, and now I'm not sure why. I see him maybe 2x per week and there’s really no one else who has sparked my interest, so I figure it’ll hurt him less for now. I know that's a terrible way to look at it. He IS fun one-on-one and I do enjoy our time together.

I don’t know WHAT the computer guy is doing still here, but I’m just not going to spend time with him again unless it’s getting coffee to say a last “good-bye” before he moves away. I feel a little ugh about sleeping with him anyway. The ex-boyfriend artist is certainly in the past, but it just reminds me how I wasn’t good “enough” to be worth his long-term time. I know that people don’t change for you, generally, but sometimes I wish someone would.

Then, I've been feeling oddly jealous of my roommate - a woman I've never felt even remotely jealous of in the past. Our neighbor is clearly into her and is flirting with her all over the place. I guess, it's weird for me because normally I’m fairly appalled by her choice in men, and just get annoyed when she’s all over them because they give her the littlest attention in return. I’m just not used to her going for guys that I actually think are decent, DATEBALE men (she’s gone for guys I thought were attractive before, but not actually date-worthy). Her innocent, never take it anywhere, ever does bug me, but maybe I should set the same standard for myself.

Part of my slump comes from hanging out with my neighbors, aside from the flirting with my roommate, because they actually have skills. One is an amazing musician, and the other is a really skilled handyman, and those are just their hobbies! I feel like I don’t have any one thing that I’m really good at and I don’t feel like my skill set is all that special anyway. I’m a decent, but not record-setting salesperson, I was a strong, but not exception student, I’m cute, but not beautiful, I’m intelligent, but not brilliant, I’m motivated, but not truly driven, etc. I know that I can change things about my life and work harder, but sometimes I realize that it’s just not “in me” and I feel that I can’t really get any more out of life because I have nothing “great” to put into living. I know that sounds all dire and pessimistic, but I’m just noting that some people have talents that sometimes I wish I possessed. You know, maybe part of it is that I feel like I never REALLY get the things that I want the most in life.

On a little different note, I think our culture certainly influences us to feel the need to be sexual beings more than we should be. It’s weird because most Europeans seem to be sexy looking, but without the feeling that they need to act on it. I feel like I have been too lax about sex and I need to get a grip on that aspect of my personality. I do enjoy sex, but I think that I have “slept around” (outside my 4 actual relationships) more than other girls is because I also do enjoy feeling sexy and wanted in that way. It probably stems from when I had bad body image back when I was 14 or so, and not realizing that men found me attractive, really, until college. Then maybe the last couple years I just went a little overboard because I realized that I could work my ‘feminine wiles’ and took them too far.

I am NOT warm and fuzzy

Well, my boyfriend's friends think that I am not warm and fuzzy enough so there MUST be relationship problems.

Oh yeah? FUCK OFF!

I'm sick and tired of the way that they interact. They're not fucking friends. They are people who coddle each other, who refuse to be honest about each others' issues, and who want everyone to be warm and fucking fuzzy all the time.

I admit, I can be a bitch. I can get annoyed at the boyfriend and make it all to clear, in front of his friends, what my annoyance is. And that's wrong. I know that. I am working on it.

But really! I am not going to cling to his side and never speak to any of my male friends at parties and only pat the boyfriend on the head when he does anything and everything.

Yes, dammit, it drives me crazy how loud he gets when he drinks. Yes, it bothers me that he smokes pot.

But in the fucking end, he gets to come home with me and sleep with me. I consider that proof enough.

Being back

It was interesting being back. Back in the college town, I mean. I spent four years of my life living there (summers too) but since graduation I've been there a grand total of three times. Including last night. 

Last night, my boyfriend, my best guy friend from college who lives in the same city as me, and I went back to our sleepy little college town. There was a Christmas party and we just decided to go make an appearance and surprise people. We drove over the mountains and through the woods (really) with our white elephant gifts in tow, and I had butterflies in my stomach.

See, I didn't leave on the best terms with some people. OK. Two people. Guys. Former best friends and roommates, both of whom I got involved with in my confusion of my senior year and a break up from my last major relationship. Long story short, the three of us were like the three damn amigos, and then everything went to shit when they both wanted me and I couldn't pick and eventually just dropped both, as lovers, not as friends. One accepted that. The other didn't. Even though the former and I were supposed to be on good terms, I was nervous to see him as we headed that way. I did really hurt him.

And it went really well. Everyone did the shrieking and hugging. My boyfriend was introduced to everybody, and the girls thought he was cute and nice. I got to see many people who I haven't had a chance to talk with in a long time. And I was able to sit down and chat with my best girl friends who I don't get to see often enough.

Then, the old flame arrived. It was so nice to see him, to be honest. I don't feel anything for him anymore, but I miss his friendship dearly, so this was a test for me. And he was great. It was a little like the old days (minus our 3rd friend, sigh). Then, while we were dancing (side note: all my college friends are swing dancers like I am) he said to me, after several drinks, granted, "after all this time and everything that's happened, you're still so bad for me."

Hmmm. Very interesting. Now, I get what he meant. "Bad" as in, "I still want you." I was a little surprised. I mean, I did look hot. Duh. I was seeing all my old friends, I wanted to look good. Who doesn't? But, like he said, after all this time AND everything that HAS happened, the pull of attraction is still there.

When I dance with my former dance partner, who happens to be an ex-boyfriend as well, I can still feel the sizzle that once was part of our relationship. When I go out with my "hot" ex-boyfriend from high school (damn, he is still so good looking) I have to restrain myself. When I think about being around my last boyfriend, the passionate artist, I can't imagine how  we could not want to touch each other. And I know that all three feel the same about me. Yet, none of them want to be together, and I know I certainly don't. 

Being back reminds you of how things once were, yet, you don't always want those things to be back in your life. It's funny, how things could have been so very important and now they are merely shadows of the past. A twinge, a look, a fleeting touch, but nothing more.

And you know, I can't say that I mind. It was good being back, but it's no longer home.