Do you believe in karma?

Do you think that karma exists? Is there really a supernatural or cosmic balancing scale that evens out the good and bad choices we make in life?

I really don't know about karma, but it certainly feels like it exists sometimes. Though, overall, I think there are too many examples of too many evil people getting away with their crimes their entire lives to believe in it. Yet, I suppose if I was getting on-board with karma, those evil doers would come back as cockroaches and get their just returns in their next life.

Anyway, this post really isn't about whether I believe in karma. It's more about my going through a time of comeuppance lately. I made some very selfish decisions last year from July to December and in December I was called out on my self-serving ways by a person who is no longer my friend. It was fair on her part to ditch me. I don't begrudge her anything. I do miss being friends with her and I wish I had never hurt her more than anything.

I have always recognized that I'm a self-centered person and a judgmental one too. I want people to agree with me and I can be pretty harsh toward people who don't view the world the same way I do. It's strange. Some things I know I see as too black and white when I should see a spectrum from one to the other. Then other things I see too many shades of gray where there should only be two colors and a clear line between them. I think the stress I'm going through lately is what I deserve for the choices I made. And the worst part is that I don't regret ALL of my choices, even though I should, I only regret the choice I was called out on. Well, and one other one. But that was more out of embarrassment for being an idiot than anything else.

What does that say about me if I can live with myself like this? I think it says that I'm selfish and I don't always feel guilty when I make certain types of choices. I made three bad decisions last year and even though they were equally self serving, I would only take back two of them. Wow. It's weird to admit that to myself even.

Here's what I'm trying to take away from last year in combination with how I've been feeling lately... It's not worth it to be selfish. I need to realize that it's not fair to the people who you love and care about to choose to act based on what you want and not based on what the right thing is. This well-deserved "karma" I'm dealing with is just a reminder that I really do need to make better choices.

Besides, next time my karma might be a lot worse than feeling stressed...