It's been an interesting year, to say the least...
I've completely changed my career path, my life's goals, my relationship, my vision for myself. I've followed a very old dream to a very new place and have yet to settle myself into it. I can't explain so much what I'm doing but why I'm doing it. I'm in search of that elusive "better life" or something like it. I'm seeking fulfillment from my career and from my accomplishments that means more to me than working in sales could ever provide. And I'm finally finding it.
Yes. I'm finally on a path that makes sense. One that fits with my talents and one that makes me happy. I love what I do now and I feel like I finally have a vision for my life that makes sense to me. A vision that I can support and truly strive toward with my whole self. Now, it's no perfect vision and it certainly has gaps, but I'm finally aware of a sense of worth that my old career could have never provided.
And then there's my relationship. Ah, he is so wonderful. He's good looking and sexy and smart and driven and good with money and clean cut, etc., etc., etc. We've been together over a year now and since we're old enough and supposedly wise enough, we've been seriously talking about getting engaged. It's another big change because a year ago I would never have pictured myself getting engaged or even being ready to talk about being engaged. And then I met him and everything changed. He's unlike any other man I've ever been with and he stabilizes me. He provides that clear head when my passions run high.
With that said... We've been doing long distance for 4 and a half months now and we have 5 and a half months of long distance to go. It's been very hard to remain connected, emotionally, over such a distance. It's harder too because my work is very consuming and it makes it difficult to always talk on the phone. It makes it even more difficult to visit each other. For example, we've seen each other 2x in the past 4 and a half months... And with all that space has come some doubts for me.
I met someone where I live and while nothing has happened, and I don't intend for anything to happen, he confuses me. He's not better than my boyfriend but there's something about him that peaks my interest. I hate to call it chemistry but that's a good word for it. We work in the same field and have a lot of the same ambitions, so that might be part of his appeal. He is very talkative, which is just like me, whereas my boyfriend is not as much of a "verbalizer" shall we say.
I don't know what I'm doing. I so enjoy spending time with this "other man" but I know it's a terrible risk I'm taking that something might happen. I know I would feel eternally guilty for cheating on my boyfriend and can't bear the thought of it. At the same time, this other guy reminds me of the few things that my boyfriend lacks. Plus the attraction makes me confused. Is it natural to like someone else when you love your partner? Is it the result of the distance? Is it an indicator that something is lacking in my relationship? I just don't know...
I find myself playing with fire and just barely keeping the flames at bay.
