I've been laboring under a cloud of melancholy lately.
I don't know what has brought it on, but I feel this listlessness that is consuming my emotions. I don't feel depressed. No. This is more along the lines of boredom, actually. I feel like I'm searching for a way to evoke strong emotions. As if my emotional state of being needs a jump start. Maybe my battery ran out?
You know what I've been doing? I've been drawn to dark war films, listening to sad music. It's pathetic really. I sat alone and watched Full Metal Jacket and Black Hawk Down back-to-back! So ridiculous... What do I think that I'm going to find there? Some kind of emotional salve for my weary soul? Even those questions are so melodramatic that I can't believe I just typed them.
What's more is that it's most frustrating not knowing quite how to root out the source of this feeling. Why am I feeling this way? I've actually taken on several more responsibilities, ones that I enjoy and find stimulating, at work. I am competing for a special award at work. I've got my very first triathlon (yay me!) this weekend. Really, if anything, I should be feeling energized and excited. But I'm not.
Partly, my romantic life has been impacting me. I know that I've been feeling emotionally lethargic in my marriage lately, and definitely sexually frustrated, so that doesn't help. I want to connect with my husband, but I'm realizing that we have a definite lack of similarity in our emotional complexity. He's just so unable to express himself and oftentimes unwilling to even try that I feel like "what's the point?" I definitely feel myself getting pulled in directions that I shouldn't be, but I can't find an anchor in our relationship to hang onto. I remember feeling so passionate about him the first year we were together, and it's like I'm a different person now. Not him. Me. I feel differently about him even though he really hasn't changed at all.
And yet... Something else is missing. I'm searching for something, but it seems I'm wandering in a shopping complex at Christmas without even knowing for whom I'm buying the gift. And since I have no idea, I wander aimlessly, accomplishing nothing, gaining nothing.
I'm just ready to move on and break out of this melancholy.
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Letter I Don't Need to Send
Dear [Name Here]:
I feel that you need to know some of the issues that are frustrating and confusing me…
First, the most upsetting is the subtle reminder (from her very existence) that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘worth enough’ to be with you when it came down to it. I mean, it’s hard to see a person you loved more than anyone else who is willing to live with, change for, adapt to, etc., another woman. It’s so confusing because you say that there’s no passion, that your relationship is depressing or boring, but then, you picked that relationship over ours. I knooooow that we fought a lot, and I knoooow that we didn’t have the same outlook on life/relationships, but I wish that I could have felt like you wanted to be with me more than you cared about those things. I know I certainly did, which is why I broke it off – I knew that I would get my heart broken (again) when you decided that you didn’t want to put in any more effort or the relationship would require long-term commitment. It’s just so depressing to see her picture on your iPod, to know that she lives with you, to know that you’re gone traveling with her, and that I can only talk to you when she’s not around.
Second, and similarly, it’s extremely confusing to me when you say that you find me “inspiring” and “exciting” yet none of those things were compelling “enough” in the past to make me worth it. It hurts to think about it because the contrast in the way that I matter to you and you matter to me is clear. Why am I only exciting enough to sneak around to see, but not to try to pursue, to really try to win and keep so that that ‘excitement’ is always in your life? It makes me feel like I’m only a thrill when it’s a secret, and being a secret doesn’t make me feel worthwhile or special. I know that the thrill of the chase is something we both enjoy, but at the same time, we have too much history for me to feel like that is enough. We have too many memories, emotions, etc., for that to represent what we should mean to each other. It makes me feel like the second best choice. Somedays, I want to just bang my head on a desk for hours on end to escape the “why, why, why?!” feeling that this whole thing gives me.
Third, on that note, my emotions are constantly haywire. One minute, I’m all interested and inspired intellectually by our conversations. The next minute, I want to throw caution into the wind and jump you to have crazy, passionate sex. Then, I think that I never want to sleep with you again because it would degrade everything we ever had. Then, I want to be in love with you again and want you to love me, and us to be together, but then I don’t want either of those things. Then, I think that I’m fine with it all and should be calm because there’s nothing wrong with us being ‘just friends’. And then, I realize that we aren’t ‘just friends’ or you wouldn’t keep it secret from your girlfriend and tell me that I’m your inspiration. And the cycle continues.
Fourth, with that all going on in my brain, I start to think that I should just back out because I'm worth more than being your second option, your excitement. That I should distance myself from you and make a fresh start, get a clean slate. That maybe I should really, actually cut ties with you because you are never, ever going to value me in a way that reflects what I am actually worth. I remind myself that I am everything a man could want in a partner and it doesn't matter that it wasn't the right fit between us. Yet, I wish you could see how it is, and there's that little hope that you will, so I don't completely back away. Then, I think the same thing as above, "well, it's fine because we should be able to be just friends." But I worry that I can't be just friends and so, I try to move out of regular conversation, hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then I end up here.
In the end, it comes down to me not wanting to admit that I’m confused because I’m too afraid that you will make me feel rejected again, and me not wanting to admit that I have mixed feelings for fear that you don’t, and me just wanting to know WHY I wasn’t picked and why I can’t get over THAT very thing.
Even as I write this, I think about how I could tell you all of this without feeling like the fool because even as I say all of these confused words, so many scenarios flow through my head...
I want the outcome to be me realizing this isn't worth my pain and walking away before you have the chance to respond
I want the outcome to be you taking me in your arms and kissing every part of my body
I want the outcome to be that I realize before we ever talk that I'm really fine with everything and I'm over thinking it and this message never needs to be shared.
I feel that you need to know some of the issues that are frustrating and confusing me…
First, the most upsetting is the subtle reminder (from her very existence) that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘worth enough’ to be with you when it came down to it. I mean, it’s hard to see a person you loved more than anyone else who is willing to live with, change for, adapt to, etc., another woman. It’s so confusing because you say that there’s no passion, that your relationship is depressing or boring, but then, you picked that relationship over ours. I knooooow that we fought a lot, and I knoooow that we didn’t have the same outlook on life/relationships, but I wish that I could have felt like you wanted to be with me more than you cared about those things. I know I certainly did, which is why I broke it off – I knew that I would get my heart broken (again) when you decided that you didn’t want to put in any more effort or the relationship would require long-term commitment. It’s just so depressing to see her picture on your iPod, to know that she lives with you, to know that you’re gone traveling with her, and that I can only talk to you when she’s not around.
Second, and similarly, it’s extremely confusing to me when you say that you find me “inspiring” and “exciting” yet none of those things were compelling “enough” in the past to make me worth it. It hurts to think about it because the contrast in the way that I matter to you and you matter to me is clear. Why am I only exciting enough to sneak around to see, but not to try to pursue, to really try to win and keep so that that ‘excitement’ is always in your life? It makes me feel like I’m only a thrill when it’s a secret, and being a secret doesn’t make me feel worthwhile or special. I know that the thrill of the chase is something we both enjoy, but at the same time, we have too much history for me to feel like that is enough. We have too many memories, emotions, etc., for that to represent what we should mean to each other. It makes me feel like the second best choice. Somedays, I want to just bang my head on a desk for hours on end to escape the “why, why, why?!” feeling that this whole thing gives me.
Third, on that note, my emotions are constantly haywire. One minute, I’m all interested and inspired intellectually by our conversations. The next minute, I want to throw caution into the wind and jump you to have crazy, passionate sex. Then, I think that I never want to sleep with you again because it would degrade everything we ever had. Then, I want to be in love with you again and want you to love me, and us to be together, but then I don’t want either of those things. Then, I think that I’m fine with it all and should be calm because there’s nothing wrong with us being ‘just friends’. And then, I realize that we aren’t ‘just friends’ or you wouldn’t keep it secret from your girlfriend and tell me that I’m your inspiration. And the cycle continues.
Fourth, with that all going on in my brain, I start to think that I should just back out because I'm worth more than being your second option, your excitement. That I should distance myself from you and make a fresh start, get a clean slate. That maybe I should really, actually cut ties with you because you are never, ever going to value me in a way that reflects what I am actually worth. I remind myself that I am everything a man could want in a partner and it doesn't matter that it wasn't the right fit between us. Yet, I wish you could see how it is, and there's that little hope that you will, so I don't completely back away. Then, I think the same thing as above, "well, it's fine because we should be able to be just friends." But I worry that I can't be just friends and so, I try to move out of regular conversation, hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then I end up here.
In the end, it comes down to me not wanting to admit that I’m confused because I’m too afraid that you will make me feel rejected again, and me not wanting to admit that I have mixed feelings for fear that you don’t, and me just wanting to know WHY I wasn’t picked and why I can’t get over THAT very thing.
Even as I write this, I think about how I could tell you all of this without feeling like the fool because even as I say all of these confused words, so many scenarios flow through my head...
I want the outcome to be me realizing this isn't worth my pain and walking away before you have the chance to respond
I want the outcome to be you taking me in your arms and kissing every part of my body
I want the outcome to be that I realize before we ever talk that I'm really fine with everything and I'm over thinking it and this message never needs to be shared.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Dreaming of men...
I don’t know what it is about my subconscious, but it seems to decide to conjure up the most bizarre scenarios involving men.
Last night, I had a dream that I was in a room, sitting on a couch, and opposite me was my college colleague/2-time fling, my ex-boyfriend artist, and another college colleague/one-time interest. I was uninterested in the artist who I’ve always considered to be the love of my life (who I’ve dreamed about many a time – and we’re always breaking up or moving apart when I do), but I was into my 2-time fling (who happens to have been pursuing sex with me this summer). I ended up kissing the fling in front of the third guy who is a mutual friend of ours who was understandably shocked and confused by the interaction.
It was all so real and bizarre. I’ve gone through a break up where my dreams were so realistic and heart-breaking that I would wake up irrevocably depressed. I’ve had vivid dreams about sex with friends who I’ve never looked at sexually. I’ve dreamed of being pregnant and going baby clothes shopping with someone that I was horrified to be pregnant by. And many other bizarre incarnations of men I know.
The thing is that these dreams are all the same variety – strikingly real, regarding men, and burning in my mind when I wake up. I don’t know what I dream about and don’t remember, but these visions of men dance through my brain in stark contrast to dreamlike sequences I’d prefer to experience in my sleep.
What strikes me about these dreams is the visceral experience that they leave with me. I am physically and emotionally drawn into their false world and I can’t shake the feelings when I stumble back to being awake. It’s beyond my ability to comprehend the implications of this particular facet of my brain, but I wish that I had some answer for the lingering feelings I have when I wake up…
Last night, I had a dream that I was in a room, sitting on a couch, and opposite me was my college colleague/2-time fling, my ex-boyfriend artist, and another college colleague/one-time interest. I was uninterested in the artist who I’ve always considered to be the love of my life (who I’ve dreamed about many a time – and we’re always breaking up or moving apart when I do), but I was into my 2-time fling (who happens to have been pursuing sex with me this summer). I ended up kissing the fling in front of the third guy who is a mutual friend of ours who was understandably shocked and confused by the interaction.
It was all so real and bizarre. I’ve gone through a break up where my dreams were so realistic and heart-breaking that I would wake up irrevocably depressed. I’ve had vivid dreams about sex with friends who I’ve never looked at sexually. I’ve dreamed of being pregnant and going baby clothes shopping with someone that I was horrified to be pregnant by. And many other bizarre incarnations of men I know.
The thing is that these dreams are all the same variety – strikingly real, regarding men, and burning in my mind when I wake up. I don’t know what I dream about and don’t remember, but these visions of men dance through my brain in stark contrast to dreamlike sequences I’d prefer to experience in my sleep.
What strikes me about these dreams is the visceral experience that they leave with me. I am physically and emotionally drawn into their false world and I can’t shake the feelings when I stumble back to being awake. It’s beyond my ability to comprehend the implications of this particular facet of my brain, but I wish that I had some answer for the lingering feelings I have when I wake up…
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