Taking a break

I finally decided that I need some space, some time apart, if you will. As anyone who has read any of my blog will know, I've had a lot of issues maintaining the integrity of my current relationship. I, for lack of a better term, have had a wandering eye. And it's truly not because I didn't/don't love the boyfriend, it's that it wasn't a good fit for me.

I've thought about it a lot, and I believe it comes down to a couple issues. 1) Too committed, too quickly 2) personality differences 3) my general difficulty in being devoted

On the first, we basically went from dating to seeing each other every single day and almost living together. There were WEEKS at a time when he never saw his own apartment other than to stop by on a lunch break to pick up mail or a movie. I have always been a commitment-phobic lady, and I believe now that subconsciously this was wearing on me. It was like getting into a super serious relationship overnight. The issue is that I didn't set boundaries up front. I mean, at the beginning, of course I wanted to see him all the time, but that isn't good because then, months later, when I needed space, he felt hurt by it. And so of course, we'd end up hanging out, and then the cycle of my feeling a little trapped or too involved continued. This break-up probably wouldn't have been necessary if we had kept our lives more separate from the get-go.

On the second, I am very motivated and passionate. He is not-so-much. I like going out and he is a homebody. I think I could have made the heavy commitment work if he was more like me. I mean, since I broke it off, I have been to an art exhibit opening, a bar I've been meaning to go to since last summer, 80s dance party-themed charity event, 15 mile bike ride, etc. It's like he's not motivated to go make things happen, so I don't actually end up doing things either. It's not healthy for me.

On the third, I do admit that it's hard for me to be focused on one person. In all my relationships, save one, I've had a tough time remaining 100% faithful to the person I was dating. That one relationship was the only one where I was so in love with the person that I couldn't have imagined wanting to be with anyone else. All my others were just not quite compelling enough. I think that I need to wait on committing from now on, so that this doesn't keep happening to me. It's not fair to the guys I date, and it's just not a good, ethical practice.

So, there you have it, I suppose. And I'll see where things go from here...