Do you believe in karma?

Do you think that karma exists? Is there really a supernatural or cosmic balancing scale that evens out the good and bad choices we make in life?

I really don't know about karma, but it certainly feels like it exists sometimes. Though, overall, I think there are too many examples of too many evil people getting away with their crimes their entire lives to believe in it. Yet, I suppose if I was getting on-board with karma, those evil doers would come back as cockroaches and get their just returns in their next life.

Anyway, this post really isn't about whether I believe in karma. It's more about my going through a time of comeuppance lately. I made some very selfish decisions last year from July to December and in December I was called out on my self-serving ways by a person who is no longer my friend. It was fair on her part to ditch me. I don't begrudge her anything. I do miss being friends with her and I wish I had never hurt her more than anything.

I have always recognized that I'm a self-centered person and a judgmental one too. I want people to agree with me and I can be pretty harsh toward people who don't view the world the same way I do. It's strange. Some things I know I see as too black and white when I should see a spectrum from one to the other. Then other things I see too many shades of gray where there should only be two colors and a clear line between them. I think the stress I'm going through lately is what I deserve for the choices I made. And the worst part is that I don't regret ALL of my choices, even though I should, I only regret the choice I was called out on. Well, and one other one. But that was more out of embarrassment for being an idiot than anything else.

What does that say about me if I can live with myself like this? I think it says that I'm selfish and I don't always feel guilty when I make certain types of choices. I made three bad decisions last year and even though they were equally self serving, I would only take back two of them. Wow. It's weird to admit that to myself even.

Here's what I'm trying to take away from last year in combination with how I've been feeling lately... It's not worth it to be selfish. I need to realize that it's not fair to the people who you love and care about to choose to act based on what you want and not based on what the right thing is. This well-deserved "karma" I'm dealing with is just a reminder that I really do need to make better choices.

Besides, next time my karma might be a lot worse than feeling stressed...

Holy Fuck

Holy fuck. Do you ever have a day when everything you thought you knew crashed around you like a burning ship? Yes. That was my day. And you know what? I created the fucking flammable ship in the first place. I carefully constructed it out of dreams and hopes without any wood or nails to hold it together. And you know what? Those dreams and hopes burned faster than the driest, frailest wood. I would have been better off to build it out of nylon. Goddamn.

I'm so stupid. That's what I am. Everything has changed. There's no going back. And you know why? Because I'm so stupid. God I am like a big bumbling idiot. Blundering along hoping for the best only to be confronted with an unexpected worst. Literally, I could not have anticipated this if it slapped me in the face and called me its bitch.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH. Holy fuck. Fuck my life.

Melancholy

I've been laboring under a cloud of melancholy lately.

I don't know what has brought it on, but I feel this listlessness that is consuming my emotions. I don't feel depressed. No. This is more along the lines of boredom, actually. I feel like I'm searching for a way to evoke strong emotions. As if my emotional state of being needs a jump start. Maybe my battery ran out?

You know what I've been doing? I've been drawn to dark war films, listening to sad music. It's pathetic really. I sat alone and watched Full Metal Jacket and Black Hawk Down back-to-back! So ridiculous... What do I think that I'm going to find there? Some kind of emotional salve for my weary soul? Even those questions are so melodramatic that I can't believe I just typed them.

What's more is that it's most frustrating not knowing quite how to root out the source of this feeling. Why am I feeling this way? I've actually taken on several more responsibilities, ones that I enjoy and find stimulating, at work. I am competing for a special award at work. I've got my very first triathlon (yay me!) this weekend. Really, if anything, I should be feeling energized and excited. But I'm not.

Partly, my romantic life has been impacting me. I know that I've been feeling emotionally lethargic in my marriage lately, and definitely sexually frustrated, so that doesn't help. I want to connect with my husband, but I'm realizing that we have a definite lack of similarity in our emotional complexity. He's just so unable to express himself and oftentimes unwilling to even try that I feel like "what's the point?" I definitely feel myself getting pulled in directions that I shouldn't be, but I can't find an anchor in our relationship to hang onto. I remember feeling so passionate about him the first year we were together, and it's like I'm a different person now. Not him. Me. I feel differently about him even though he really hasn't changed at all.

And yet... Something else is missing. I'm searching for something, but it seems I'm wandering in a shopping complex at Christmas without even knowing for whom I'm buying the gift. And since I have no idea, I wander aimlessly, accomplishing nothing, gaining nothing.

I'm just ready to move on and break out of this melancholy.

Getting the most out of a life

What does it mean to "get the most out of life"?

I would genuinely like to know the answer to this question. I think about it all the time lately and it only makes me more unsure of what fulfillment is. It seems that "fulfillment" is really the key idea here - if you get the MOST you can from life, then you have found fulfillment. Or I suppose you've at least found a reason to live that makes you feel like you have a purpose. Though, is having a purpose the same as being fulfilled?

So, maybe the key is more than being fulfilled. Maybe it's having a sense of WHY you live to go hand in hand with the WHAT you live for... Maybe you feel fulfilled when you have a purpose in life? In that case, what if your life's purpose is compromised or you're betrayed by those who helped cultivate that very purpose?

For example, what if you're a woman for whom being a great mom and a devoted wife is your number one purpose for living (this lifestyle would work for ME, but it works for some women, my mother included) and then your husband cheats? He has betrayed you and your children. Now do you feel like you were living for a lie? I think that some women would be devastated by such an action, but other women would cling to the idea that being a mother is valuable enough that their husbands' infidelities would not supersede their purpose.

Now, another example, say you've worked your entire life for a company only to get to the top and find corruption, greed, and/or illegal acts... How would you feel knowing that your life's work contributed to the success of an inherently immoral corporation? I think this would depend on the extent of the corruption (just the CEO or the whole executive team) the affects of the corruption (padding expense accounts vs. distributing medications with undisclosed and deadly side effects) and of course, your own ethical beliefs.

Regardless, I want to know what makes life worthwhile because I DESIRE a life lived to the fullest extent. I hate the idea of waking up in 10, 15, or 20 years and saying, "where did my passion go?" or "when did I leave all my dreams behind?" I just can't live knowing that is going to be the outcome. It makes me feel ill to think of living in a suburban home with a white picket fence and an extra 30 pound of "baby weight". Ugh. What a nightmare.

Then, I have to weigh my husband's desires. He's so very all-American. He totally wants to go off to his successful and fulfilling job and come home to his beautifully maintained home with a kid or two and the dog waiting for him by the door. Now, he knows that I want to live and work internationally, which he says he is open to doing, but at the same time, he talks about these other (more traditional) desires. I realize now that I was too quick to get married. I love him but at the same time I'm having a harder and harder time understanding how we're going to make our lives work together without one person making massive, soul-crushing compromises. I thought that I would want the things he wants, but the more I get into my new career, the less those things appeal to me.

Of course, I would never leave him, but I can see myself allowing him to leave me if he can't accept what I want anymore. I feel like it might happen in the next five to seven years and it will be about children. Honestly, I can't bear the idea of being pregnant. There is not one iota of my personality that wants to be a mother. I feel a little ill and disoriented thinking about having a fetus (eek!) growing in my uterus. He knows that I'm really weird about kids, but I know he doesn't think I'm never going to want kids. I used to assume that I would eventually get a big dose of hormones and get baby fever, but now I'm just not sure. I'm in my mid-twenties and I don't want kids just as much as I didn't want them in my early-twenties... And this is exactly why I think he might not be able to handle it down the road.

Who knows though. Maybe I will get the baby fever. Maybe I will want to live in the States. Maybe I will want to coordinate car pool schedules. Maybe those things will make me feel fulfilled.

But in the end, at the core, my instincts tell me that I will need something more to get the most out of life...

Risk Taking Behavior

I've thought a lot about the military lately. And the types of people who join it.
I used to have a hard and fast rule of no dating military men (well, when I was single I did) because they are generally untrustworthy in relationships. My logic before was based on the theory that military men are cheaters because they are surrounded by men who encourage or tolerate the behavior.
Disclaimer: I know this is not true for all men. I also have some amazing male friends who are in the military who would never cheat. I've just always assumed they were the very, very rare exception, not the rule.
Also, I always assumed that many military women, especially Navy girls, are promiscuous. I never like to call women "sluts" or "whores" because the same behavior is never painted in the same light when it's men who exercise it. Regardless, I did have a conception of women in the military being women who like to sleep around with the men they serve with (unless they were lesbians, of course).
Back to my theory, I've come to realize in the last year or so, that military men cheat not because they are surrounded by their buddies who tolerate it (well, not solely) but because MOST people who join the military enjoy indulging in risk-taking behaviors. This explains why women in the military have such a bad rep for being slutty and the men have such a bad rep for being cheaters.
I understand that cheating is a choice that no one forces a person to make; however, I think it's interesting as to why certain groups of people are "known" for their extramarital activities. Soldiers, sailors, marines, etc., have always been known or thought of as "womanizers" and why is that? Because the act of being in a military force encourages risk taking. Soldiers who are honored for bravery and courage took risks to earn those accolades. Marines who undertook the greatest invasions accepted overwhelming risks to accomplish the mission. The Navy SEALS who killed Bin Laden took enormous risks that would have reverberated globally if they failed.
It's interesting though, the military strives to embody a set of values that its members do not live up to. The military pushes its men and women to be honest, selfless, and loyal; all traits that do not fall in line with infidelity. Yet, even as men and women in arms move away from using drugs, punish those who engage in reckless violence in combat, work to eradicate sexual harassment and assault, they still cheat regularly. Using drugs is risky. Killing civilians is risky. Harassing a coworker is risky. Yet, these things are falling out of fashion.
But you might say, well, all of those actions are punishable by military and civilian law. True. But military justice makes infidelity (by married service members) a crime too! Why does the military just look the other way? Why do soldiers or sailors who would report drug use not report an unfaithful spouse? Why do the men (and women) who profess their dedication to a higher set of values and preach those values to their subordinates choose to betray the one person they promised to be loyal to? Why does a leader who would die for his or her comrades choose to sleep with someone who is not their spouse?
I certainly don't have an answer, but in the end, I really believe that infidelity in the military is inherently linked to the type of person who is willing and ready to accept the risk of serving in the military...

Playing with fire

It's been an interesting year, to say the least...

I've completely changed my career path, my life's goals, my relationship, my vision for myself. I've followed a very old dream to a very new place and have yet to settle myself into it. I can't explain so much what I'm doing but why I'm doing it. I'm in search of that elusive "better life" or something like it. I'm seeking fulfillment from my career and from my accomplishments that means more to me than working in sales could ever provide. And I'm finally finding it.

Yes. I'm finally on a path that makes sense. One that fits with my talents and one that makes me happy. I love what I do now and I feel like I finally have a vision for my life that makes sense to me. A vision that I can support and truly strive toward with my whole self. Now, it's no perfect vision and it certainly has gaps, but I'm finally aware of a sense of worth that my old career could have never provided.

And then there's my relationship. Ah, he is so wonderful. He's good looking and sexy and smart and driven and good with money and clean cut, etc., etc., etc. We've been together over a year now and since we're old enough and supposedly wise enough, we've been seriously talking about getting engaged. It's another big change because a year ago I would never have pictured myself getting engaged or even being ready to talk about being engaged. And then I met him and everything changed. He's unlike any other man I've ever been with and he stabilizes me. He provides that clear head when my passions run high.

With that said... We've been doing long distance for 4 and a half months now and we have 5 and a half months of long distance to go. It's been very hard to remain connected, emotionally, over such a distance. It's harder too because my work is very consuming and it makes it difficult to always talk on the phone. It makes it even more difficult to visit each other. For example, we've seen each other 2x in the past 4 and a half months... And with all that space has come some doubts for me.

I met someone where I live and while nothing has happened, and I don't intend for anything to happen, he confuses me. He's not better than my boyfriend but there's something about him that peaks my interest. I hate to call it chemistry but that's a good word for it. We work in the same field and have a lot of the same ambitions, so that might be part of his appeal. He is very talkative, which is just like me, whereas my boyfriend is not as much of a "verbalizer" shall we say.

I don't know what I'm doing. I so enjoy spending time with this "other man" but I know it's a terrible risk I'm taking that something might happen. I know I would feel eternally guilty for cheating on my boyfriend and can't bear the thought of it. At the same time, this other guy reminds me of the few things that my boyfriend lacks. Plus the attraction makes me confused. Is it natural to like someone else when you love your partner? Is it the result of the distance? Is it an indicator that something is lacking in my relationship? I just don't know...

I find myself playing with fire and just barely keeping the flames at bay.

Frustration and Irritation

It's so irritating when the person with whom you're in a relationship cannot seem to understand what you do. I have a very specific career right now (yes, I know it's been MONTHS since I last blogged) and I'm not always able to share every single detail with my boyfriend (no, not the one with bad manners, broke up with that one over a year ago and have been dating the current one since May 2009). He needs to just deal with it and realize that we don't need to share every single minute detail to be close.

AGH!

But then again, maybe I'm just irritated because I'm confused. Things are VERY serious with this boyfriend. More serious than I've ever been with anyone else. So serious my mother is basically planning a wedding (despite the fact that I am NOT engaged yet) and my family has talked to me about my relationship a thousand times of late. The thing is, I don't feel ready to be engaged. I'm not certain that this guy is The One. I don't think he's not but I'm so buried in my career at the moment that it's hard for me to make such a major decision. Really. I know it sounds like a cop out but I just can't deal with the concept of being married. I'm just not prepared to be a married lady.

Well, I mean, part of me can definitely see myself being married to this boyfriend. I can see the little kids (ack!) running around a lawn with a boat and an SUV parked next to the urban home; however, I can just as easily see me owning my own fabulous condo and working a crazy international job where I'm hardly ever in the U.S. I just can't make the decision on how I want my life to look, at least not quite yet, not with so much to do for my career, and I feel like I'm getting swept toward making a decision. I'm irritated that I don't know how to cope with this level of seriousness and I'm frustrated that I'm being pushed along almost against my will.

I feel like I don't know how to say that I'm not ready and I'm afraid that things won't go well because I feel pressured to be "ready." I feel like if I'm totally honest about my doubts with my family that they'll simply assume the relationship won't work and then I'll never get their support for it when I am ready. I know that sounds stupid, but they are very black & white about these kind of things and it's extremely difficult to be honest.

So, what is my biggest concern, other than my career? It's his type of intelligence. He is very smart, but in a totally different way than I am and I get irritated sometimes when he doesn't understand things the way that I do. Also, he's not as verbal as I am and so sometimes he doesn't express himself very well. I want other people to think he's smart and to respect him and I'm not totally sure that they do. I know my family has been concerned that he's too "quiet" for me, which isn't true. Yet, I like having a partner of whom other people think highly. Once people get to know him they really like him, but it's that first impression that isn't always strong.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm frustrated that I don't know. I'm irritated that I can't get a handle on it.

I simply don't know.

I need to learn how to be catty...

I recently attended a dance event and I had a drama-filled moment straight out of "Mean Girls."

So, my roommate has been mixed up in a love triangle with a guy (her half Indian-half Black lover) who is also involved with a slutty dancer. Well, recently, the guy has almost exclusively spent his time with my roommate and has started to avoid Slutty at dance events... to a degree.

Now, I have to give you background on this girl so you get the full picture. She is the ULTIMATE slutty bitch. She pretends she doesn't know you to make herself feel cool (even if she has met you a dozen times), she talks loudly about her sexual exploits and occasionally strips at blues parties (risque even for a slutty scene) and is slender with emo-looking long, black hair and pale skin. She loves attention and mostly hates girls who aren't her puppies (TOTAL Regina George without being blond)

Alright, so we're at the Friday night late night dance and I'm talking to my boyfriend's roommate. Slutty slides up to her (the boyfriend's roommate) purposely with her back away from me to cut me out of the conversation I was having. She sort of turns when the roommate introduces me (side note: she knows who I am perfectly well), and it goes like this...

Me (loudly) "oh no, you know me, I'm [my roommate's name here]'s roommate."
Her (distainful look) "who?"
Me (evil glint in my eye) "You know, [name], [the guy]'s main lady"
Her (pissy look) "oh, I don't pay ATTENTION to people like that"
My boyfriend's roomie (totally oblivious, as always) "[me] has her own brown man"
(seriously, who says that?! My boyfriend is half Asian)
Me "Oh, yes, I'm dating [him]"
Her (catty look) "ooooooooooh, I knoow him (dramatic pause) INtimately"

ACK!!!!!!!!!!!! I know she's fucked everyone in the dance scene, but AAAAAAACK! I just smiled and then she wandered away. But man I was PISSED! My boyfriend has always been very clear that he thinks she is a manipulative slut and I find out (from her!) that he has banged her! EW!

I talked to him about it (apparently it was 4 years ago when he was super drunk and didn't know who she was). After I explained what Slutty had said to me, he got super upset at her for pulling something like that and now refuses to speak to her even more pointedly than he had before this. lol.

My knew-jerk response to it is revulsion combined with annoyance that he didn't tell me first, but then again, it's not like I haven't slept with guys who I wouldn't want other people to know about. ;-)

As a side note, when I saw her the next night, I just gave her a nice smile and walked past, and did she look angry. mahahahahah. It was worth it to get my jab in for my roommate ;-)

Point of story... It was THE cattiest experience of my life and it taught me that I need more snappy comebacks (ha).

Friendship is a funny thing...

Well, I have not written in a while, but here I go again… I have officially gone overboard regarding the ex-boyfriend-artist and am writing yet an(other) blog about it. I guess, as usual, I'm over thinking and thus emoting (via the cold, heartless medium of the web)

I know that things got a bit out-of-line between us last year (an emotional affair is, after all, generally considered worse than a physical one) and that that could be why he has scaled back on our friendship (he stopped talking to me, yet again, when I left for Europe)

or it could be that I have a boyfriend

or that he got tired of my friendship

or that he felt awkward

And this is what has always been so odd for me in regards to his and my interactions over the past 3 and 1/2 years (I'm counting that as since the first time that we broke up, ha). It drives me INSANE that there is hardly ever a good answer for why he stops talking to me or why he doesn’t respond for months and then suddenly changes his mind. And while I appreciate (and frankly, admire) his ability to drop off the face of the Earth, it still sits uncomfortably with me (aka makes me go slightly crazy thinking it over, sigh).

It's just that I'm such a different type of communicator... I can’t just stop talking to someone. It’s nearly impossible. I go on and on and on and babble and explain and meander through ideas, but in the end, when he pulls back, it's a mystery. Now, it’s not like I’m asking for some deep, spiritual insight into the inner-workings of his "am I talking to her or not" psyche, but it IS a little over-the-top. And yes, I know that his whole ‘artist’ persona is over-the-top so to speak, but after finally watching 'Vicky Christina Barcelona' combined with several experiences of late, I have decided that I just don't care.

Here's what I know - I thoroughly enjoy being in conversation with him, I find him stimulating and intriguing, I know that he and I both need to be with someone OTHER than each other, and I miss it when he’s not somewhere in the framework of my life.

Is that so wrong?

Here is my thought... We're both in relationships, which is great. Can’t we still be friends and have interesting, thought-provoking conversations without straying into dangerous territory?! If however, he is tired of my friendship and doesn’t find me interesting at this time, I will have to just accept that.

I guess that I realized that I like having people in my life who love art and ideas and creativity, and those people don't come along very often. To be cliché, life is too short to not experience it to its fullest.

Someone wake me up

I feel incredibly lethargic about my life lately.

Wish I knew why, but instead I mope when I’m not at work and don’t focus when I am.

Sad.

And I’m having an affair without the sex. Bad idea all around.

I feel trapped in a waiting game that I never agreed to play.

The Letter I Don't Need to Send

Dear [Name Here]:

I feel that you need to know some of the issues that are frustrating and confusing me…

First, the most upsetting is the subtle reminder (from her very existence) that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘worth enough’ to be with you when it came down to it. I mean, it’s hard to see a person you loved more than anyone else who is willing to live with, change for, adapt to, etc., another woman. It’s so confusing because you say that there’s no passion, that your relationship is depressing or boring, but then, you picked that relationship over ours. I knooooow that we fought a lot, and I knoooow that we didn’t have the same outlook on life/relationships, but I wish that I could have felt like you wanted to be with me more than you cared about those things. I know I certainly did, which is why I broke it off – I knew that I would get my heart broken (again) when you decided that you didn’t want to put in any more effort or the relationship would require long-term commitment. It’s just so depressing to see her picture on your iPod, to know that she lives with you, to know that you’re gone traveling with her, and that I can only talk to you when she’s not around.

Second, and similarly, it’s extremely confusing to me when you say that you find me “inspiring” and “exciting” yet none of those things were compelling “enough” in the past to make me worth it. It hurts to think about it because the contrast in the way that I matter to you and you matter to me is clear. Why am I only exciting enough to sneak around to see, but not to try to pursue, to really try to win and keep so that that ‘excitement’ is always in your life? It makes me feel like I’m only a thrill when it’s a secret, and being a secret doesn’t make me feel worthwhile or special. I know that the thrill of the chase is something we both enjoy, but at the same time, we have too much history for me to feel like that is enough. We have too many memories, emotions, etc., for that to represent what we should mean to each other. It makes me feel like the second best choice. Somedays, I want to just bang my head on a desk for hours on end to escape the “why, why, why?!” feeling that this whole thing gives me.

Third, on that note, my emotions are constantly haywire. One minute, I’m all interested and inspired intellectually by our conversations. The next minute, I want to throw caution into the wind and jump you to have crazy, passionate sex. Then, I think that I never want to sleep with you again because it would degrade everything we ever had. Then, I want to be in love with you again and want you to love me, and us to be together, but then I don’t want either of those things. Then, I think that I’m fine with it all and should be calm because there’s nothing wrong with us being ‘just friends’. And then, I realize that we aren’t ‘just friends’ or you wouldn’t keep it secret from your girlfriend and tell me that I’m your inspiration. And the cycle continues.

Fourth, with that all going on in my brain, I start to think that I should just back out because I'm worth more than being your second option, your excitement. That I should distance myself from you and make a fresh start, get a clean slate. That maybe I should really, actually cut ties with you because you are never, ever going to value me in a way that reflects what I am actually worth. I remind myself that I am everything a man could want in a partner and it doesn't matter that it wasn't the right fit between us. Yet, I wish you could see how it is, and there's that little hope that you will, so I don't completely back away. Then, I think the same thing as above, "well, it's fine because we should be able to be just friends." But I worry that I can't be just friends and so, I try to move out of regular conversation, hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then I end up here.

In the end, it comes down to me not wanting to admit that I’m confused because I’m too afraid that you will make me feel rejected again, and me not wanting to admit that I have mixed feelings for fear that you don’t, and me just wanting to know WHY I wasn’t picked and why I can’t get over THAT very thing.

Even as I write this, I think about how I could tell you all of this without feeling like the fool because even as I say all of these confused words, so many scenarios flow through my head...

I want the outcome to be me realizing this isn't worth my pain and walking away before you have the chance to respond
I want the outcome to be you taking me in your arms and kissing every part of my body
I want the outcome to be that I realize before we ever talk that I'm really fine with everything and I'm over thinking it and this message never needs to be shared.

Merry-go-round in my brain

As I dialogue with my ex, I find myself on a ridiculous merry-go-round of emotions, thoughts, and actions.

No, I don’t want to talk anymore. Yes, I do want to talk. No, I don’t! Yes! No! Yes!

At this point, with no good solution in sight, I have the feeling like I want to get drunk and yell the following things at him –

WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE THINGS WORK BETWEEN US?! WHY WASN’T I WORTH YOUR TIME TO STAY TOGETHER?! WHY COULDN’T YOU DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT WE WERE PASSIONATE AND THAT MADE US FIGHT?! WAS IT THAT I’M JUST NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH, IN THE END?! WAS IT THAT YOU DIDN’T EVER REALLY LOVE ME ENOUGH TO WANT TO FIND A WAY TO WORK IT OUT NO MATTER WHAT?!

*BANGS HEAD ON TABLE*

WHY IN GODS NAME COULDN’T I BE WORTH YOUR TIME?! WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVED YOU!? WHY COULDN’T I BE AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS YOU ARE TO ME?!

*DEEP BREATH*

I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU EITHER! I DON’T CARE IF WE’RE NOT INVOLVED! I DON’T WANT TO TRY TO MAKE IT WORK BECAUSE WE HAVE FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT LIFE VIEWS! I DON’T CARE IF YOU ONLY FIND ME EXCITING WHEN WE’RE NOT IN A ‘RELATIONSHIP’! I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME! I DON’T LOVE YOU EITHER! I’M OVER THIS! I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE!

*PACES ANGRILY AROUND KITCHEN*

I’M GOING INSANE WITH ALL THESE THOUGHTS! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT THIS IS DOING TO MY BRAIN?! I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME! I WANT TO NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOR GOOD! I WANT TO BE FREE FROM YOU! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE ‘JUST FRIENDS’!

*cries*

But I can’t be and I won’t be and I don’t know how

Wanting to walk away...

I had a meltdown at practice last night.

I was working on my jumping roundhouse and was having trouble with the timing. All of a sudden, I said (dramatically), “I can’t DO this” and half-ran out of the gym. I ended up sitting on the locker room floor in tears. I get frustrated when I can’t get everything quite right, but I think it was more than the sport.

So, yesterday, my artist ex texted me to tell me he was out of town with his girlfriend until Sunday and thus needs to “lay low” on communicating with me. And you know? It makes me feel like crap. Basically, I can go along and feel fine about our little clandestine conversations and then all of a sudden, feel slapped in the face with the very clear reminder that we are NOT together, and he IS together with someone.

I mean, I always know that that’s the way it is, so-to-speak, but it’s easy to feel fine about everything until something like this comes up. I know that he and I don’t work well together, but in my deepest heart-of-hearts I have this little place where I hold out for the “perfect” ending to all this and we live happily ever after.

But you know what, that’s not the reality. The reality is that he lives with a woman who loves him. The reality is that he and I end up fighting a lot when we’re together. The reality is that I don’t believe in living together before marriage and he doesn’t believe in marriage. The reality is that he and I are not going to have a “happily ever after.”

Recently, I’ve been on the “I’m leaving in a year so it’s all good” track with this whole thing, but now I realize that I’m fooling myself. I’m miserable with the situation. I’m lying to myself when I say that we can just be friends, and I’m hurting myself. I know that I like that he finds me “exciting” and “inspiring” enough to pull him away from his girlfriend and keep our relationship a secret, but I also hate that very same thing. I don’t want to be the “side woman,” the “second best” choice, and I know that I am when it comes down to it.

I know that my slate isn’t “clean” when he is involved, and I can see that I’ve gotten myself back into a situation where I’m emotionally invested in the outcome. Goddamn it!!! I hate that I can’t seem to break myself free of this ‘relationship’ and I’m sick and tired of WANTING things to “work out” when I rationally realize that they aren’t going to.

Why, I ask myself, why? I guess I don’t know how to walk away even though it’s what I want.

DANGER Will Robinson!

So, the red flag needs to be taken OUT of the box and be waved in front of my face!

Despite my recent proclamation of single happiness, I seem to have a little scandal developing on the side. And of course, it’s revolving around the ex-boyfriend, the artist, who I can’t seem to keep out of my life.

Over the last couple months, we’ve been chatting again, and it’s gotten up to a daily, many times a day, conversation. Then, he stopped by my parents’ house to say hi a month ago when I was there. Then he came over last Friday night to hang out with me. And it’s all on the sly from his current, LIVE-IN girlfriend. And NOW, our innocent texting has gotten a slightly scandalous bent and I can’t seem to stop myself!

Here’s what happened… I was talking to him about this secret blog and how no one will ever read it because there are things about them that I might have written and don’t feel like sharing – him included. So, I got a text when I woke up this morning that appeared to have been sent at 3 am. It said “I think I know you well enough to know what you think of me. Can’t talk anymore…”

I was like WTF? Did he have a dramatic moment in the middle of the night and decide that he *gasp* can’t be ‘friends’ anymore? So, I texted him back and this has been the convo since then…

Me: I hope I misunderstand your last text. I think that you took my blogging comments all out of context, and would be upset if our friendship was ended over that.
Him: No rere! [Girlfriend's name removed] came home
(wow is he hiding this or WHAT)
Me: lol, I thought you might have been having a dramatic moment – I didn’t get the text until 3 am…
Him: You were up late
Me: No, I got the text this morning. I was definitely asleep at 3 am
Him: Strange
Me: Indeed, which is WHY I thought, oh geez, he’s having a dramatic moment at 3 am
Him: No! Fu lady! I hate you for even thinking it.
(this is him joking around)
Me: Yah right, as IF you’ve never had a ridiculous notion at 3 am ;-)
Him: And I woke you up for a couple of them
(AH! Why the sudden infusion of sexual references…)
Me: By ridiculous, I don’t mean things I enjoy bc those are always appreciated
(I AM playing with fire!!)
Him: Yes they were…
Me: Don’t be TOO proud of yourself. I was an active contributor
(why God, why?! I have an inability to stop myself)
Him: ha. I know how to…
Me: to what? It’s not like you didn’t enjoy yourself :-P
(oh geez! My feminine ego/wiles kicked in)
Him: Always do
Me: Always a plus
(what the eff? ALWAYS A PLUS?! WHAT AM I DOING!?)

It’s now time to WAVE THE RED FLAG! DANGER AHEAD!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Then, damage control semi kicked in...

Him: You love it
Me: Did then, assume I would now
Him: You will
Me: I know
(Realizing that we’re dangerously close to implicating agreeing to have an affair, Vicky Christina Barcelona aside, I begin to attempt some damage control before it gets out of hand completely)
Me: But it’s all hypothetical, of course
Him: Most things are
Me : True, but it does make life a little less spicy :-P Sometimes I wish that everything was real.
(clearly, previous attempt at damage control ‘damaged’ by this statement)
Him: More spicy you mean? And what do you want real?
Me: I do enjoy spice in my life, and real, well, that remains to be seen
(here is my pathetic attempt to backpedal my previous statement)
Him: Need help with that?
Me: I’m open to suggestions
(while my rational brain screams, “No, No I am not” but is overpowered by my crazy brain)
Him: I suggest you get help
(ah, playing coy or also backpedaling?)
Me: Well, I guess that I’ll keep that in mind
Him: That does not help your “real” dilemma.
Me: True, but unless you’re volunteering, ha, I’ve got no one HERE who’s interesting enough to make a dent

*bangs head on desk*

When you suddenly like being single... really

So, I was thinking last night, and I believe that I’m in a place, maybe for the first time, where I actually don’t WANT a relationship. And it’s not the "oh, I’m feeling all female-pride-y" either. For once, I’m just busy, and I don’t have room in my schedule for a boyfriend. It’s weird to say, but I’ve never been the type, at least until now, who couldn’t see where a guy would fit in, but I can’t see where he would fit in…

Now-a-days, I get up at 6:35 in the morning, get ready, go to work, work until 5:30 - rarely taking lunch, go straight to taekwondo, class until 7 or 8 depending on the night, then it’s home to eat & get ready for bed, and hit the hay by 10ish. Where in the world am I going to stick a guy in there?! I mean, weekends sure, but I generally have plans of some kind with friends or family, so maybe one weekend-night per week I could see someone. Now, for a lot of guys, that sounds like a perfect relationship, but for a lot it doesn’t. And for me, well, I don’t WANT to “have” to plan to see someone at least once a week.

It is weird how getting into a groove with work and hobbies and friends can so easily become important. It seems that I finally prefer getting to bed at a decent hour than canoodling with a boy. I mean, in college, no problemo! I was always up for doing everything, I thought, and then would get exhausted or sick or neglect my friends to make room for a guy. Now, I neglect my friends regardless, but only during the week, ha. It makes me wonder a little if this is how women end up 35 and single, but I just can't seem to be worried by that possibility.

What does it say about a person when he/she finally comes to a place where a relationship just isn’t that important? Where it doesn’t seem fulfilling anymore?

Is this really the 21st century?

I've been noticing an odd trend on the interweb... Everyday I check MSN.com and I see flurries of "advice on relationship" articles. Everything from "Spot Relationship Road Bumps" to "8 New Love Truths You Must Know" to "How to Tell if a Guy is Cheating"...

WTF?

Why is it that women are given all these seemingly dated "tips" on how to catch, keep, and make sure your man stays? I mean, in the article about spotting potential "roadblocks" in your budding relationship, it basically told women how to manipulate the men they date into getting into/staying in a relationship. What has happened to honesty? And I don't mean the 1990s-scary-feminist honesty where women go dutch on everything, expect their boyfriends to treat them like bland equals (doesn't work in the bedroom if there aren't gender roles, in my opinion) and yell if a door is opened for them. I mean, what happened to being honest about what we want and being relaxed on the path to getting there? Are these articles trying to tell us that we, women today, have nothing going on in our lives other than the 1950s-esque pursuit of a man? That we need to "find" something to do when we "feign" being busy so he doesn't feel pressured? DON'T WE HAVE THINGS TO DO?! God knows I do.

I'm certainly no expert on relationships, even though too many of my friends seem to think that I am, but really, can we please stop with the mind games and act like the 21st-century adults we are...

So, it's settled

So, things are over, again, for the most recent boyfriend and me. I canceled our plan to spend last night together, and he freaked out last night. We had a big fight because he felt like I hadn’t been making enough time for him (true) and that if the relationship was really working that I would want to see him more (true). I explained that I wasn’t trying to distance him and that I haven’t been seeing a lot of people lately since I’ve been so focused on work and martial arts.

We argued over why we got back together this summer and basically called me manipulative and said that I was happy only when we were seeing each other secretly because that was “exciting.” He said that I don’t let him "in" emotionally, and I tried to explain that when I do, he doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. Then, he was really angry when I tried to explain that his smoking was really getting to me because he had quit and started again. And then he called me shallow when I tried to explain that he doesn’t really fit in with my life. He was all, “you know I have social anxiety!” Well, that’s sad, but if I’m unhappy because of it (I’m social! I like people! Sometimes I need to take him to client events and what, he’s going to hide in the corner?!), how does it make sense for us to be together? I didn’t mention the health thing, but he has gained weight and as I’m getting more fit, it bothers me that he’s not active at all (I've mentioned it in the past).

I feel the worst because he’s hurt and upset and thinks that I 'never saw a future for us'. And to make it worse, yesterday happened to be our one-year anniversary. Yeesh. I also feel badly because I don’t feel sad that we’re not together. I just feel sort of relieved not to be worrying about it anymore. It’s like the last 6 months I’ve spent realizing that it’s not the right fit, no matter how “nice” and “loving” and "steady" he is, and not wanting to hurt him (I know, I know, never a good plan) and I ended up making it all worse.

I feel like I need to have a clean slate. I need to just take a deep breath and not be involved in any drama or relationship. I want to focus on my friends, my training, and of course, my work. I want to decide what I’m DOING with my life and be doing it by next year, and having distractions like a bad relationship aren’t going to help me. I mean, I’ve spent the last 6 years in a relationship basically without real time away from it – high school boyfriend (a year), dancer (7 months), artist (a year), HS boyfriend again (8 months), artist again (7 months), most recent ex twice (7 months, 3 months). I say this every time I end something, but I realize now that the pattern isn’t being broken. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm done settling. I want to be with someone I'm passionate about, and I'm not going to get involved again unless it's something really special. No casual dating, nothing until it's completely worth my time and energy.

Feeling the blues...

So, it's been a while since I've written here, and I feel that I need to just vent some things, get them off my chest, so-to-speak.

First, I know I shouldn’t get the “everyone around me” is doing better than I am feeling, but it’s just so weird to see so many people I went to high school with (who all went to fancy, private universities, which always makes me feel a little badly) running off and getting married and engaged or whatever. I don't want to be married, but it makes me feel like maybe I'm missing a gene or something. Am I so pathetic that I can't find someone who wants to be with me.

I think that with the current boyfriend, at this point, I don’t want to hurt him more than I want to get out. Yes, we got back together, and now I'm not sure why. I see him maybe 2x per week and there’s really no one else who has sparked my interest, so I figure it’ll hurt him less for now. I know that's a terrible way to look at it. He IS fun one-on-one and I do enjoy our time together.

I don’t know WHAT the computer guy is doing still here, but I’m just not going to spend time with him again unless it’s getting coffee to say a last “good-bye” before he moves away. I feel a little ugh about sleeping with him anyway. The ex-boyfriend artist is certainly in the past, but it just reminds me how I wasn’t good “enough” to be worth his long-term time. I know that people don’t change for you, generally, but sometimes I wish someone would.

Then, I've been feeling oddly jealous of my roommate - a woman I've never felt even remotely jealous of in the past. Our neighbor is clearly into her and is flirting with her all over the place. I guess, it's weird for me because normally I’m fairly appalled by her choice in men, and just get annoyed when she’s all over them because they give her the littlest attention in return. I’m just not used to her going for guys that I actually think are decent, DATEBALE men (she’s gone for guys I thought were attractive before, but not actually date-worthy). Her innocent, never take it anywhere, ever does bug me, but maybe I should set the same standard for myself.

Part of my slump comes from hanging out with my neighbors, aside from the flirting with my roommate, because they actually have skills. One is an amazing musician, and the other is a really skilled handyman, and those are just their hobbies! I feel like I don’t have any one thing that I’m really good at and I don’t feel like my skill set is all that special anyway. I’m a decent, but not record-setting salesperson, I was a strong, but not exception student, I’m cute, but not beautiful, I’m intelligent, but not brilliant, I’m motivated, but not truly driven, etc. I know that I can change things about my life and work harder, but sometimes I realize that it’s just not “in me” and I feel that I can’t really get any more out of life because I have nothing “great” to put into living. I know that sounds all dire and pessimistic, but I’m just noting that some people have talents that sometimes I wish I possessed. You know, maybe part of it is that I feel like I never REALLY get the things that I want the most in life.

On a little different note, I think our culture certainly influences us to feel the need to be sexual beings more than we should be. It’s weird because most Europeans seem to be sexy looking, but without the feeling that they need to act on it. I feel like I have been too lax about sex and I need to get a grip on that aspect of my personality. I do enjoy sex, but I think that I have “slept around” (outside my 4 actual relationships) more than other girls is because I also do enjoy feeling sexy and wanted in that way. It probably stems from when I had bad body image back when I was 14 or so, and not realizing that men found me attractive, really, until college. Then maybe the last couple years I just went a little overboard because I realized that I could work my ‘feminine wiles’ and took them too far.

When you realize you’re a caught in a loop

I realized the other day that I am a masochist. I thought to myself at my moment of realization, "well, at least, I’m only so in the emotional sense, not the physical," but then I realized that I might be worse off.

I was sitting alone when it dawned on me that if my ex, the damn artist, came back to me and said that he didn’t care about our problems, that he didn’t care about our issues, that he would always love me… I would jump right back into his skinny arms. Fuck me, I thought, I am a fucking masochist.

Why do I want the one thing that brought me as much pain as all other relationship pains combined? Why would I be with the ONE person who can and has hurt me more deeply and devastatingly than anyone else has come close to doing?

I left him! Why do I feel like he left me, and somewhere buried deep in my heart, I’m waiting for him to come back? Just this week, I sent him a text message to ask about an artist whose name I’d forgotten and when he called me back, my stomach was twisted into knots and was for the rest of the day. It kills me to think about him living with his steady-she-takes-care-of-me-and-loves-me girlfriend. I know he doesn’t like to think of me with other men, but where I would have thrown everything out to be together, he wouldn’t have.

And that’s why I left. And that’s why I feel like he left me. Because I knew that if I didn’t leave, one day he would have. And he wept in my arms about not being good enough for me, and yet, I didn’t want him to be good enough. I wanted to not be the second best option.

This isn’t love. This isn’t some movie romance where we end up together after it all. This is real life where we move on with our emotional bruises and scars, and I realize that I must be a masochist because those injuries draw me back time and again. There isn’t enough good in that relationship to pull me back so it has to be the agony.

Perhaps I should become an artist. Then I have an excuse for wanting to seek out my personal agony – to make great art. Yet, in the end, I simply wallow in the dark, alone.

Taste of humble pie...

So, I had a new experience this last weekend… and it wasn’t a pleasant one, to say the least.

Now, I’m going to be honest here (as I always am). I’m a little vain. I’m pretty much used to guys that I go for responding positively and while I’ve had guys who’ve decided that things weren’t moving forward, I’ve never really been outright rejected.

And last weekend, I was. It was harsh.

This guy who I’ve been sleeping with for the last month or so basically told me that he “couldn’t see himself fall in love with me, so he wasn’t interested anymore” and that it was basically like “that book, He’s Just Not That Into You.”

Yeesh! I mean, I never expected/wanted a relationship and he’s not the type of guy I would fall for, in fact, I was just in it for the sex. I consider myself an excellent partner, so it’s a blow to the ego to have a guy who turns down what was essentially a “friends with benefits” arrangement. I know that occasionally (aka 2x) over the past two months I asked if he wanted to hang out and he said no, but I also had times where I wasn’t available to get together.

I think the surprise was in the sudden change. I mean, we hung out a week ago from last weekend and everything was fine Friday night, but when Saturday rolled around, I could tell something was different. We didn’t talk all week and when I texted him Saturday night (per his direction) he gave me the you-no-longer-interest-me speech (via text).

It hurt because I don’t like being rejected. Especially because I was being rejected when I didn’t even want to DATE him, let alone pursue anything close to love. But in the end, I think a little humility is good for me, and sometimes, even a mean text can help me stay grounded. ;-)