So, it's settled

So, things are over, again, for the most recent boyfriend and me. I canceled our plan to spend last night together, and he freaked out last night. We had a big fight because he felt like I hadn’t been making enough time for him (true) and that if the relationship was really working that I would want to see him more (true). I explained that I wasn’t trying to distance him and that I haven’t been seeing a lot of people lately since I’ve been so focused on work and martial arts.

We argued over why we got back together this summer and basically called me manipulative and said that I was happy only when we were seeing each other secretly because that was “exciting.” He said that I don’t let him "in" emotionally, and I tried to explain that when I do, he doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. Then, he was really angry when I tried to explain that his smoking was really getting to me because he had quit and started again. And then he called me shallow when I tried to explain that he doesn’t really fit in with my life. He was all, “you know I have social anxiety!” Well, that’s sad, but if I’m unhappy because of it (I’m social! I like people! Sometimes I need to take him to client events and what, he’s going to hide in the corner?!), how does it make sense for us to be together? I didn’t mention the health thing, but he has gained weight and as I’m getting more fit, it bothers me that he’s not active at all (I've mentioned it in the past).

I feel the worst because he’s hurt and upset and thinks that I 'never saw a future for us'. And to make it worse, yesterday happened to be our one-year anniversary. Yeesh. I also feel badly because I don’t feel sad that we’re not together. I just feel sort of relieved not to be worrying about it anymore. It’s like the last 6 months I’ve spent realizing that it’s not the right fit, no matter how “nice” and “loving” and "steady" he is, and not wanting to hurt him (I know, I know, never a good plan) and I ended up making it all worse.

I feel like I need to have a clean slate. I need to just take a deep breath and not be involved in any drama or relationship. I want to focus on my friends, my training, and of course, my work. I want to decide what I’m DOING with my life and be doing it by next year, and having distractions like a bad relationship aren’t going to help me. I mean, I’ve spent the last 6 years in a relationship basically without real time away from it – high school boyfriend (a year), dancer (7 months), artist (a year), HS boyfriend again (8 months), artist again (7 months), most recent ex twice (7 months, 3 months). I say this every time I end something, but I realize now that the pattern isn’t being broken. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm done settling. I want to be with someone I'm passionate about, and I'm not going to get involved again unless it's something really special. No casual dating, nothing until it's completely worth my time and energy.