And yet, I find myself in a weird conundrum of emotions.
I seem to be a fickle lover. And I mean that in both the most sincere and apologetic way. I tend to have many interests, and often times have a hard time centering my emotional output on one individual. Does that mean that I cheat? Yes, I have cheated. On the current boyfriend? No, thankfully.
I’ve been trying to untangle myself, emotionally, to get at the root of my wandering eye. Do I feel the need for many men to love me in order to feel wanted? Not really. Do I have a Daddy complex? Not so much. Instead, I seem to cheat because I care about more than one guy at once. Yes, I love the one I’m with, but I might care deeply for someone else at the same time.
Why me?! Why can’t I find someone who so captivates me that I don’t have fleeting desires for others. I mean, the few times that I have cheated, it’s always been with an EX-lover who has come back into my life for some reason. And I find myself on that precipice again. You can judge me if you want, but I never cheat because I don’t love my current partner. I’ve done it because I’m not quite loving enough not to desire what I used to have. And for various reasons. Nostalgia, certainly. Different passion, of course.
And yet, here I am again. Corresponding on an emotional level with a former flame, “the” former flame, if we are being honest, and I hate myself for it. Then again, I don’t.
The current issue is this. The former flame does not want the same things as me in life. We have too different life views to make it work, but we had amazing chemistry, intense passions. The current flame wants the same things as me and is going the same way. But he is darling and loveable in a safe way. Do I feel the same intensity? No. Do I love him? Yes, but in a different way.
So, here I am again. Asking myself the same question: is there any hope that I will find stable love and intense passion in the same person?
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