Being back

It was interesting being back. Back in the college town, I mean. I spent four years of my life living there (summers too) but since graduation I've been there a grand total of three times. Including last night. 

Last night, my boyfriend, my best guy friend from college who lives in the same city as me, and I went back to our sleepy little college town. There was a Christmas party and we just decided to go make an appearance and surprise people. We drove over the mountains and through the woods (really) with our white elephant gifts in tow, and I had butterflies in my stomach.

See, I didn't leave on the best terms with some people. OK. Two people. Guys. Former best friends and roommates, both of whom I got involved with in my confusion of my senior year and a break up from my last major relationship. Long story short, the three of us were like the three damn amigos, and then everything went to shit when they both wanted me and I couldn't pick and eventually just dropped both, as lovers, not as friends. One accepted that. The other didn't. Even though the former and I were supposed to be on good terms, I was nervous to see him as we headed that way. I did really hurt him.

And it went really well. Everyone did the shrieking and hugging. My boyfriend was introduced to everybody, and the girls thought he was cute and nice. I got to see many people who I haven't had a chance to talk with in a long time. And I was able to sit down and chat with my best girl friends who I don't get to see often enough.

Then, the old flame arrived. It was so nice to see him, to be honest. I don't feel anything for him anymore, but I miss his friendship dearly, so this was a test for me. And he was great. It was a little like the old days (minus our 3rd friend, sigh). Then, while we were dancing (side note: all my college friends are swing dancers like I am) he said to me, after several drinks, granted, "after all this time and everything that's happened, you're still so bad for me."

Hmmm. Very interesting. Now, I get what he meant. "Bad" as in, "I still want you." I was a little surprised. I mean, I did look hot. Duh. I was seeing all my old friends, I wanted to look good. Who doesn't? But, like he said, after all this time AND everything that HAS happened, the pull of attraction is still there.

When I dance with my former dance partner, who happens to be an ex-boyfriend as well, I can still feel the sizzle that once was part of our relationship. When I go out with my "hot" ex-boyfriend from high school (damn, he is still so good looking) I have to restrain myself. When I think about being around my last boyfriend, the passionate artist, I can't imagine how  we could not want to touch each other. And I know that all three feel the same about me. Yet, none of them want to be together, and I know I certainly don't. 

Being back reminds you of how things once were, yet, you don't always want those things to be back in your life. It's funny, how things could have been so very important and now they are merely shadows of the past. A twinge, a look, a fleeting touch, but nothing more.

And you know, I can't say that I mind. It was good being back, but it's no longer home.