Indiana Jones: Or how to rehash a tired myth (SPOILERS!)

Really, Steve. Really?

ALIENS was the BEST idea you could think up for Mr. Jones?!

I swear, of all the boring myths that have been over-explored. I have no idea how Steve (who is clearly a close, personal friend of mine) would decide on the one that early man was too dumb to build civilization or discover farming without extraterrestrials. It's asinine. It's uninspiring. It's so hokey that even Harrison Ford can't pull it off.

I would have taken Indiana Jones and the Sasquatch Skeleton over the Crystal Skull.

The original three movies are hokey, don't get me wrong. But they, like the original Star Wars trilogy (don't get me started on George Lucas) vs. the new Star Wars movies, had a charm and "newness" about them that the Indy and the Dull Skull lacks. The never-ending car chase through the ridiculously CGI'ed jungle just made me yawn and look around the theater. Surviving a NUCLEAR BLAST in a fridge is so ludicrous that I couldn't help but shake my head. The chase/escape-the-giant-rolling-object scenes seemed designed more to create a Disney ride from than to entertain the audience. And Shia LeDumb dressed up as Brando, ugh.

Now, I know that you have to suspend disbelief to enjoy the world that Indiana Jones inhabits, but come on. It's almost a shame to make the atomic bomb reference when all I could think about was the actual survivor footage from Hiroshima or the documentary about the original scientists/soldiers on the project who all died from radiation poisoning (from exposure from miles away). Even in Temple of Doom (the worst of the original three, in my opinion) where Indiana and the annoying blond woman plummet from the SKY on an escape raft is more plausible (thanks in part to Mythbusters).

In the end, the outcome of the search is what is so disappointing. Not only is it a fallback to a poorly made Lifetime Original Movie where the long suffering woman finally married the man who always loved her (but actually disappeared for 18 years after leaving her right before the wedding… not that THAT matters when it comes to true love). It's also a horrible story. ALIENS?! ALIENS?! I just wanted to yell that the entire time the stupid crystal extraterrestrials were fusing together to TAKE OFF IN A SPACESHIP! Come on George, give it up. You're just slowly killing formerly wonderful franchises, one poorly-executed, overly CGI'd sequel at a time.