What do I say?

I couldn't figure out how to start this post. I'm honestly not sure what to say. My life is just too complicated these days to put the whole thing into words.

First, someone I've gotten to know very well since the summer, someone who's almost become one of my best friends, isn't speaking to me. He has his own crap going on in his life, so I can't be selfish and get mad at him, but it hurts my feelings. I feel abandoned and that makes it harder to accept that I shouldn't be "selfish". If that even makes sense. I know that what he is going through it much worse than my petty issues, but despite that, I can't make myself FEEL better about the situation.

Second, someone else I thought was a friend, not as close of a friend, but a friend none-the-less, is treating me badly. I feel like sometimes I want people to like me, which is something everyone does, so I allow them to treat me in a way that's hurtful. I put myself in this situation, I chose it. I realize that. I don't know why I do this to myself though. That's the real question of the day.

Why do I allow certain friends to be awful to me? It only hurts me in the long run. It doesn't build my self esteem or make me into a better person. It just brings me down and confuses me. And it's unhealthy.

I wish I knew how to change the way that I act. I wish that I could figure out how to stop being the way that I am and actually become a better person. I wish I wasn't stuck in my own self generated cycle of pain. I wish I knew what to say.

Holy Fuck

Holy fuck. Do you ever have a day when everything you thought you knew crashed around you like a burning ship? Yes. That was my day. And you know what? I created the fucking flammable ship in the first place. I carefully constructed it out of dreams and hopes without any wood or nails to hold it together. And you know what? Those dreams and hopes burned faster than the driest, frailest wood. I would have been better off to build it out of nylon. Goddamn.

I'm so stupid. That's what I am. Everything has changed. There's no going back. And you know why? Because I'm so stupid. God I am like a big bumbling idiot. Blundering along hoping for the best only to be confronted with an unexpected worst. Literally, I could not have anticipated this if it slapped me in the face and called me its bitch.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH. Holy fuck. Fuck my life.

Why do it?

Here's a question. When you decide to do something, anything, why do you decide to do it?

I believe that this is an essential question that we have to ask ourselves in order to maintain a semblance of control on our own lives. If we never ask why then we must be pulled along by influences greater than ourselves.

Why should I have children? Why should I get married? Why should I take this job? Why should I love someone more than another?

The questions are endless. There are a million directions between here and tomorrow and yet life expects you to start somewhere. Anywhere. Sometimes it feels like I'm just moving along day by day without knowing what brought me to this place. I wonder if I asked myself why enough. Or if I did ask myself, did I really want to know the answer...

I don't know if I want to know the whys about myself some days. I feel like I won't like the answers. I realized lately that I've lost all sense of a moral compass. Ever since I stopped believing in Christian faith I stopped connecting to a greater moral order. I honestly never realized how lost I felt, from an ethical standpoint, until recently when I started asking myself "why am I doing X thing?" And I realized that I have lost my belief structure, which has left me floundering, trying to decide what the right decisions are.

Is it easier just to believe in something, a higher power, a religious organization, in order to give your life structure? To answer the why? Or does it mean that you aren't strong enough to make decisions based on your intellect and experience? To base them on what you've personally experienced and can grasp?

I can't go back to what I grew up in, but I need to find something to hold onto. I suppose I will just have to keep asking myself why before I make decisions and hope I decide for the right reasons.