Listless Players

Soccer. The world's game. The most popular single sport on the face of the planet, and the world's most populous nation cannot stand up. I don't know what was more depressing in last night's game, China vs. Mexico, the listless Mexico team or the sadly pathetic Chinese one. The Mexican team ran circles around their Chinese opponents, but seemed really unenthusiastic. They scored, to the delight of their massive fan base in attendance, but overall were passing the ball back and forth. For the world's game, this representation was sadly disappointing. Perhaps it's a reflection on the state of the world right now: listless.

Realist, I am

So, here I am today. I feel rather perplexed at my situation. The former lover is with a fantastic-sounding woman, yet he is secretly corresponding with me. I’m with a loving, darling of a boyfriend, who knows I’m talking to my ex, and yet, I’m feeling torn.

This former boyfriend, perhaps one could say, first true, passionate love, said to me today that we “seem to keep coming back to each other like aligning orbital bodies. Moving in and out of phase.” Why?

Why this ONE person? We’re both interesting, attractive, compelling people who have no trouble finding interesting, compelling partners, and yet we continue to circle back to each other…

Now, I’m a realist. I no longer naively think that this means that we’re “meant to be” or some such crap. He doesn’t ever want to get married, and I don’t believe in living with a guy before marriage. Sex, sure, but living together, nope. So, the logical answer is that one of us would have to change (not going to happen) or we never work out. Do I really want to find myself in my 30s with a guy who I can never really, deeply commit to? No. I don’t. I’m old enough now to know that I want to get married eventually and that I probably will want children sometime down the road.

Perhaps I just haven’t met the right person yet, the one who I will want to work things out with, or maybe this whole mess has a fairytale ending.

See, my other inner self is a hopeless romantic that wants this particular person to work. I see us in the future: the sexy businesswoman who supports her intense and electrifying artist husband and though they have firey fights sometimes, the flip-side of passion and intellectual stimulation makes it all worthwhile.

Sigh. Unfortunately, the realist in me says no.

It's been a while... And yet...

And yet, I find myself in a weird conundrum of emotions.

I seem to be a fickle lover. And I mean that in both the most sincere and apologetic way. I tend to have many interests, and often times have a hard time centering my emotional output on one individual. Does that mean that I cheat? Yes, I have cheated. On the current boyfriend? No, thankfully.

I’ve been trying to untangle myself, emotionally, to get at the root of my wandering eye. Do I feel the need for many men to love me in order to feel wanted? Not really. Do I have a Daddy complex? Not so much. Instead, I seem to cheat because I care about more than one guy at once. Yes, I love the one I’m with, but I might care deeply for someone else at the same time.

Why me?! Why can’t I find someone who so captivates me that I don’t have fleeting desires for others. I mean, the few times that I have cheated, it’s always been with an EX-lover who has come back into my life for some reason. And I find myself on that precipice again. You can judge me if you want, but I never cheat because I don’t love my current partner. I’ve done it because I’m not quite loving enough not to desire what I used to have. And for various reasons. Nostalgia, certainly. Different passion, of course.

And yet, here I am again. Corresponding on an emotional level with a former flame, “the” former flame, if we are being honest, and I hate myself for it. Then again, I don’t.

The current issue is this. The former flame does not want the same things as me in life. We have too different life views to make it work, but we had amazing chemistry, intense passions. The current flame wants the same things as me and is going the same way. But he is darling and loveable in a safe way. Do I feel the same intensity? No. Do I love him? Yes, but in a different way.

So, here I am again. Asking myself the same question: is there any hope that I will find stable love and intense passion in the same person?