Why I don't wear diamonds

There is something about watching a film that highlights the suffering of others. Something that pulls on my heart and makes me wonder - what in fuck am I doing with my life? Something almost visceral in the images as they flash forth and burn themselves into my gray matter and make me realize how hard it is to truly be involved in alleviating the world's suffering. Something that seems so tangible in the moment and yet so fleeting in the large scope.

Maybe that's why I've never done anything in my life except not wear diamonds.

There are many things about which I care, sometimes even enough to argue over, but not as many things about which I make a firm stance as diamonds. You can only avoid so many human tragedies in an American life - child labor that makes your clothes cheap, forced labor that brings the raw materials for your computer, destruction of the rain forests that gives you a caffeine buzz at your local cafe, and so many more. Regardless, I've decided not to be involved in the purchase of diamonds. Yes, I realize that there are plenty of diamonds that are not conflict stones, plenty that supply decent, hard-working Canadians mine and sell, but the point is that every woman or man who decides to purchase a diamond perpetuates the industry. Every. Single. One. When that girl shows off her diamond engagement ring to her girlfriends, she is showing them something they think they want. Because they want it, their boyfriends will buy them and present them in a romantic setting as if that shiny rock bodes well for their future together.

And somewhere between the earth and their sparkly future together, some of those stones financed child soldiers and mercenaries and death. And despite all my failings as an American consumer, I have chosen not to participate in that cycle. There is a part of me that is simply unwilling to put such a morbid symbol on my hand to signify a lifetime of partnership and love. And that's simply why, of all things, I don't wear diamonds.

I have suddenly turned into Miss Manners...

Oh. My. God. My boyfriend has bad table manners!

Now, I am aware that I'm not perfect, I know that standards are lax now-a-days, and that my parents were stricter than most people's, but still... AH!

So, we go out to a nice dinner for his birthday. Here is my list of issues:

1.) His navy blue undershirt did NOT match his green polo (ok, I know this isn't manners, but annoying all the same)

2.) Elbows on the table while eating

3.) Talking with food in mouth

4.) Clicking his teeth on his fork when he takes a bite!

I was so irritated that I could barely look at him and then I felt super bad because it was his birthday and all I wanted to do was scream, “For God Sakes Man, Get Your Elbows Off the Table and Keep Your Mouth SHUT!”

Plus, I have a problem with compulsively biting my nails, which I have never figured was THAT big of a deal... Well, he does it too and I am so grossed out when I see him do it that I realize how AWFUL I must look. Must cease and desist immediately.

Moving on with the past in tow

I'm not really sure how to put this, but I've been thinking about my ex a lot. No, not in a "I wish we were still together" or "I miss him" kind of way, but more in a regretful, pondering kind of way. It's really odd and I'm not sure quite what I think of it.

As you (assuming you've read other posts in my blog) know, the "artist ex boyfriend" and I have long had lingering attraction, distraction, etc., and I've gone back to thinking about him or talking to him or being with him many times. Thankfully, I've finally moved past that phase in my life and can actually email with him without it ever being inappropriate or without me wishing that we had something more.

But with the most recent ex, it's odd. I mean, we never had crazy, intense passion. We never had a big explosive relationship. We spent 8 months together, mostly hanging out at home, drinking with his friends, and generally being low key. Then, his insecurities drove me away and I dumped him last May... (and hooked up with computer programmer guy, but that is another issue) Yet, all last summer, we were occasionally hooking up and still talking about possibly getting back together. Then, we did, for a month, until I realized (again) that it wasn't going to work out. Then, for the past few months, aka ever since he over shared his feelings of regret via text/found out I had a boyfriend (about whom I'll blog on a later date), he hasn't spoken to me.

I don't know. Even though he was probably the least "attractive" guy I dated, the least driven, the least active, there was a connection there that I simply cannot explain. And now that we don't talk, I don't want to be with him but I kind of want to know that he's doing ok. I kind of miss his funny emails and wish we were on better terms. It's like, I wish I could sit down with him in person and just say, "I'm sorry I treated you badly over the last few months we were involved, and I want you to know that I value you as a person and our time together DID mean something to me." I feel like it's too weird to email him that message because I (in no way) want him to think that I want to date him or that I want something from him. And so, I can't quite get it out of the back of my mind.

Does that even make sense?