Holy fuck. Do you ever have a day when everything you thought you knew crashed around you like a burning ship? Yes. That was my day. And you know what? I created the fucking flammable ship in the first place. I carefully constructed it out of dreams and hopes without any wood or nails to hold it together. And you know what? Those dreams and hopes burned faster than the driest, frailest wood. I would have been better off to build it out of nylon. Goddamn.
I'm so stupid. That's what I am. Everything has changed. There's no going back. And you know why? Because I'm so stupid. God I am like a big bumbling idiot. Blundering along hoping for the best only to be confronted with an unexpected worst. Literally, I could not have anticipated this if it slapped me in the face and called me its bitch.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH. Holy fuck. Fuck my life.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Why do it?
Here's a question. When you decide to do something, anything, why do you decide to do it?
I believe that this is an essential question that we have to ask ourselves in order to maintain a semblance of control on our own lives. If we never ask why then we must be pulled along by influences greater than ourselves.
Why should I have children? Why should I get married? Why should I take this job? Why should I love someone more than another?
The questions are endless. There are a million directions between here and tomorrow and yet life expects you to start somewhere. Anywhere. Sometimes it feels like I'm just moving along day by day without knowing what brought me to this place. I wonder if I asked myself why enough. Or if I did ask myself, did I really want to know the answer...
I don't know if I want to know the whys about myself some days. I feel like I won't like the answers. I realized lately that I've lost all sense of a moral compass. Ever since I stopped believing in Christian faith I stopped connecting to a greater moral order. I honestly never realized how lost I felt, from an ethical standpoint, until recently when I started asking myself "why am I doing X thing?" And I realized that I have lost my belief structure, which has left me floundering, trying to decide what the right decisions are.
Is it easier just to believe in something, a higher power, a religious organization, in order to give your life structure? To answer the why? Or does it mean that you aren't strong enough to make decisions based on your intellect and experience? To base them on what you've personally experienced and can grasp?
I can't go back to what I grew up in, but I need to find something to hold onto. I suppose I will just have to keep asking myself why before I make decisions and hope I decide for the right reasons.
I believe that this is an essential question that we have to ask ourselves in order to maintain a semblance of control on our own lives. If we never ask why then we must be pulled along by influences greater than ourselves.
Why should I have children? Why should I get married? Why should I take this job? Why should I love someone more than another?
The questions are endless. There are a million directions between here and tomorrow and yet life expects you to start somewhere. Anywhere. Sometimes it feels like I'm just moving along day by day without knowing what brought me to this place. I wonder if I asked myself why enough. Or if I did ask myself, did I really want to know the answer...
I don't know if I want to know the whys about myself some days. I feel like I won't like the answers. I realized lately that I've lost all sense of a moral compass. Ever since I stopped believing in Christian faith I stopped connecting to a greater moral order. I honestly never realized how lost I felt, from an ethical standpoint, until recently when I started asking myself "why am I doing X thing?" And I realized that I have lost my belief structure, which has left me floundering, trying to decide what the right decisions are.
Is it easier just to believe in something, a higher power, a religious organization, in order to give your life structure? To answer the why? Or does it mean that you aren't strong enough to make decisions based on your intellect and experience? To base them on what you've personally experienced and can grasp?
I can't go back to what I grew up in, but I need to find something to hold onto. I suppose I will just have to keep asking myself why before I make decisions and hope I decide for the right reasons.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Is this the lamest blog on the internet?
So... I was going back and re-reading some of my old posts...
Yikes! I have to laugh at myself, shake my head, and mutter "emo much" under my breath. Apparently, when I blog, I almost always do it when I'm depressed or frustrated or angry, which means most of my posts sound like some 18-year old wannabe goth poet wrote them. It's terrible!
Though, in the end, I actually do feel better when I can vent my emotional turmoils here. One, if I vent here, I don't have to embarrass myself by sharing my overly dramatic feelings with other people. Two, it helps me work through the various, winding ideas I have floating around in my head by putting them into a (relatively) coherent whole. Three, like number One, I don't have to hold back for fear of being judged or for fear of hurting someone. Four, since this is anonymous, I don't have to worry about my fears getting back to the people about whom I'm worrying or my feelings getting back to the people about whom I'm thinking.
Regardless, though my little blog therapy has been good for me (cathartic one could say); however, now I'm aware of the silliness of the way that I write (no Hemingway-like tales in my future). So, that is why I can't help but wonder if this is the lamest blog on the internet... ;-)
Yikes! I have to laugh at myself, shake my head, and mutter "emo much" under my breath. Apparently, when I blog, I almost always do it when I'm depressed or frustrated or angry, which means most of my posts sound like some 18-year old wannabe goth poet wrote them. It's terrible!
Though, in the end, I actually do feel better when I can vent my emotional turmoils here. One, if I vent here, I don't have to embarrass myself by sharing my overly dramatic feelings with other people. Two, it helps me work through the various, winding ideas I have floating around in my head by putting them into a (relatively) coherent whole. Three, like number One, I don't have to hold back for fear of being judged or for fear of hurting someone. Four, since this is anonymous, I don't have to worry about my fears getting back to the people about whom I'm worrying or my feelings getting back to the people about whom I'm thinking.
Regardless, though my little blog therapy has been good for me (cathartic one could say); however, now I'm aware of the silliness of the way that I write (no Hemingway-like tales in my future). So, that is why I can't help but wonder if this is the lamest blog on the internet... ;-)
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