What does it mean to "get the most out of life"?
I would genuinely like to know the answer to this question. I think about it all the time lately and it only makes me more unsure of what fulfillment is. It seems that "fulfillment" is really the key idea here - if you get the MOST you can from life, then you have found fulfillment. Or I suppose you've at least found a reason to live that makes you feel like you have a purpose. Though, is having a purpose the same as being fulfilled?
So, maybe the key is more than being fulfilled. Maybe it's having a sense of WHY you live to go hand in hand with the WHAT you live for... Maybe you feel fulfilled when you have a purpose in life? In that case, what if your life's purpose is compromised or you're betrayed by those who helped cultivate that very purpose?
For example, what if you're a woman for whom being a great mom and a devoted wife is your number one purpose for living (this lifestyle would work for ME, but it works for some women, my mother included) and then your husband cheats? He has betrayed you and your children. Now do you feel like you were living for a lie? I think that some women would be devastated by such an action, but other women would cling to the idea that being a mother is valuable enough that their husbands' infidelities would not supersede their purpose.
Now, another example, say you've worked your entire life for a company only to get to the top and find corruption, greed, and/or illegal acts... How would you feel knowing that your life's work contributed to the success of an inherently immoral corporation? I think this would depend on the extent of the corruption (just the CEO or the whole executive team) the affects of the corruption (padding expense accounts vs. distributing medications with undisclosed and deadly side effects) and of course, your own ethical beliefs.
Regardless, I want to know what makes life worthwhile because I DESIRE a life lived to the fullest extent. I hate the idea of waking up in 10, 15, or 20 years and saying, "where did my passion go?" or "when did I leave all my dreams behind?" I just can't live knowing that is going to be the outcome. It makes me feel ill to think of living in a suburban home with a white picket fence and an extra 30 pound of "baby weight". Ugh. What a nightmare.
Then, I have to weigh my husband's desires. He's so very all-American. He totally wants to go off to his successful and fulfilling job and come home to his beautifully maintained home with a kid or two and the dog waiting for him by the door. Now, he knows that I want to live and work internationally, which he says he is open to doing, but at the same time, he talks about these other (more traditional) desires. I realize now that I was too quick to get married. I love him but at the same time I'm having a harder and harder time understanding how we're going to make our lives work together without one person making massive, soul-crushing compromises. I thought that I would want the things he wants, but the more I get into my new career, the less those things appeal to me.
Of course, I would never leave him, but I can see myself allowing him to leave me if he can't accept what I want anymore. I feel like it might happen in the next five to seven years and it will be about children. Honestly, I can't bear the idea of being pregnant. There is not one iota of my personality that wants to be a mother. I feel a little ill and disoriented thinking about having a fetus (eek!) growing in my uterus. He knows that I'm really weird about kids, but I know he doesn't think I'm never going to want kids. I used to assume that I would eventually get a big dose of hormones and get baby fever, but now I'm just not sure. I'm in my mid-twenties and I don't want kids just as much as I didn't want them in my early-twenties... And this is exactly why I think he might not be able to handle it down the road.
Who knows though. Maybe I will get the baby fever. Maybe I will want to live in the States. Maybe I will want to coordinate car pool schedules. Maybe those things will make me feel fulfilled.
But in the end, at the core, my instincts tell me that I will need something more to get the most out of life...
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Risk Taking Behavior
I've thought a lot about the military lately. And the types of people who join it.
I used to have a hard and fast rule of no dating military men (well, when I was single I did) because they are generally untrustworthy in relationships. My logic before was based on the theory that military men are cheaters because they are surrounded by men who encourage or tolerate the behavior.
Disclaimer: I know this is not true for all men. I also have some amazing male friends who are in the military who would never cheat. I've just always assumed they were the very, very rare exception, not the rule.
Also, I always assumed that many military women, especially Navy girls, are promiscuous. I never like to call women "sluts" or "whores" because the same behavior is never painted in the same light when it's men who exercise it. Regardless, I did have a conception of women in the military being women who like to sleep around with the men they serve with (unless they were lesbians, of course).
Back to my theory, I've come to realize in the last year or so, that military men cheat not because they are surrounded by their buddies who tolerate it (well, not solely) but because MOST people who join the military enjoy indulging in risk-taking behaviors. This explains why women in the military have such a bad rep for being slutty and the men have such a bad rep for being cheaters.
I understand that cheating is a choice that no one forces a person to make; however, I think it's interesting as to why certain groups of people are "known" for their extramarital activities. Soldiers, sailors, marines, etc., have always been known or thought of as "womanizers" and why is that? Because the act of being in a military force encourages risk taking. Soldiers who are honored for bravery and courage took risks to earn those accolades. Marines who undertook the greatest invasions accepted overwhelming risks to accomplish the mission. The Navy SEALS who killed Bin Laden took enormous risks that would have reverberated globally if they failed.
It's interesting though, the military strives to embody a set of values that its members do not live up to. The military pushes its men and women to be honest, selfless, and loyal; all traits that do not fall in line with infidelity. Yet, even as men and women in arms move away from using drugs, punish those who engage in reckless violence in combat, work to eradicate sexual harassment and assault, they still cheat regularly. Using drugs is risky. Killing civilians is risky. Harassing a coworker is risky. Yet, these things are falling out of fashion.
But you might say, well, all of those actions are punishable by military and civilian law. True. But military justice makes infidelity (by married service members) a crime too! Why does the military just look the other way? Why do soldiers or sailors who would report drug use not report an unfaithful spouse? Why do the men (and women) who profess their dedication to a higher set of values and preach those values to their subordinates choose to betray the one person they promised to be loyal to? Why does a leader who would die for his or her comrades choose to sleep with someone who is not their spouse?
I certainly don't have an answer, but in the end, I really believe that infidelity in the military is inherently linked to the type of person who is willing and ready to accept the risk of serving in the military...
I used to have a hard and fast rule of no dating military men (well, when I was single I did) because they are generally untrustworthy in relationships. My logic before was based on the theory that military men are cheaters because they are surrounded by men who encourage or tolerate the behavior.
Disclaimer: I know this is not true for all men. I also have some amazing male friends who are in the military who would never cheat. I've just always assumed they were the very, very rare exception, not the rule.
Also, I always assumed that many military women, especially Navy girls, are promiscuous. I never like to call women "sluts" or "whores" because the same behavior is never painted in the same light when it's men who exercise it. Regardless, I did have a conception of women in the military being women who like to sleep around with the men they serve with (unless they were lesbians, of course).
Back to my theory, I've come to realize in the last year or so, that military men cheat not because they are surrounded by their buddies who tolerate it (well, not solely) but because MOST people who join the military enjoy indulging in risk-taking behaviors. This explains why women in the military have such a bad rep for being slutty and the men have such a bad rep for being cheaters.
I understand that cheating is a choice that no one forces a person to make; however, I think it's interesting as to why certain groups of people are "known" for their extramarital activities. Soldiers, sailors, marines, etc., have always been known or thought of as "womanizers" and why is that? Because the act of being in a military force encourages risk taking. Soldiers who are honored for bravery and courage took risks to earn those accolades. Marines who undertook the greatest invasions accepted overwhelming risks to accomplish the mission. The Navy SEALS who killed Bin Laden took enormous risks that would have reverberated globally if they failed.
It's interesting though, the military strives to embody a set of values that its members do not live up to. The military pushes its men and women to be honest, selfless, and loyal; all traits that do not fall in line with infidelity. Yet, even as men and women in arms move away from using drugs, punish those who engage in reckless violence in combat, work to eradicate sexual harassment and assault, they still cheat regularly. Using drugs is risky. Killing civilians is risky. Harassing a coworker is risky. Yet, these things are falling out of fashion.
But you might say, well, all of those actions are punishable by military and civilian law. True. But military justice makes infidelity (by married service members) a crime too! Why does the military just look the other way? Why do soldiers or sailors who would report drug use not report an unfaithful spouse? Why do the men (and women) who profess their dedication to a higher set of values and preach those values to their subordinates choose to betray the one person they promised to be loyal to? Why does a leader who would die for his or her comrades choose to sleep with someone who is not their spouse?
I certainly don't have an answer, but in the end, I really believe that infidelity in the military is inherently linked to the type of person who is willing and ready to accept the risk of serving in the military...
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Playing with fire
It's been an interesting year, to say the least...
I've completely changed my career path, my life's goals, my relationship, my vision for myself. I've followed a very old dream to a very new place and have yet to settle myself into it. I can't explain so much what I'm doing but why I'm doing it. I'm in search of that elusive "better life" or something like it. I'm seeking fulfillment from my career and from my accomplishments that means more to me than working in sales could ever provide. And I'm finally finding it.
Yes. I'm finally on a path that makes sense. One that fits with my talents and one that makes me happy. I love what I do now and I feel like I finally have a vision for my life that makes sense to me. A vision that I can support and truly strive toward with my whole self. Now, it's no perfect vision and it certainly has gaps, but I'm finally aware of a sense of worth that my old career could have never provided.
And then there's my relationship. Ah, he is so wonderful. He's good looking and sexy and smart and driven and good with money and clean cut, etc., etc., etc. We've been together over a year now and since we're old enough and supposedly wise enough, we've been seriously talking about getting engaged. It's another big change because a year ago I would never have pictured myself getting engaged or even being ready to talk about being engaged. And then I met him and everything changed. He's unlike any other man I've ever been with and he stabilizes me. He provides that clear head when my passions run high.
With that said... We've been doing long distance for 4 and a half months now and we have 5 and a half months of long distance to go. It's been very hard to remain connected, emotionally, over such a distance. It's harder too because my work is very consuming and it makes it difficult to always talk on the phone. It makes it even more difficult to visit each other. For example, we've seen each other 2x in the past 4 and a half months... And with all that space has come some doubts for me.
I met someone where I live and while nothing has happened, and I don't intend for anything to happen, he confuses me. He's not better than my boyfriend but there's something about him that peaks my interest. I hate to call it chemistry but that's a good word for it. We work in the same field and have a lot of the same ambitions, so that might be part of his appeal. He is very talkative, which is just like me, whereas my boyfriend is not as much of a "verbalizer" shall we say.
I don't know what I'm doing. I so enjoy spending time with this "other man" but I know it's a terrible risk I'm taking that something might happen. I know I would feel eternally guilty for cheating on my boyfriend and can't bear the thought of it. At the same time, this other guy reminds me of the few things that my boyfriend lacks. Plus the attraction makes me confused. Is it natural to like someone else when you love your partner? Is it the result of the distance? Is it an indicator that something is lacking in my relationship? I just don't know...
I find myself playing with fire and just barely keeping the flames at bay.
I've completely changed my career path, my life's goals, my relationship, my vision for myself. I've followed a very old dream to a very new place and have yet to settle myself into it. I can't explain so much what I'm doing but why I'm doing it. I'm in search of that elusive "better life" or something like it. I'm seeking fulfillment from my career and from my accomplishments that means more to me than working in sales could ever provide. And I'm finally finding it.
Yes. I'm finally on a path that makes sense. One that fits with my talents and one that makes me happy. I love what I do now and I feel like I finally have a vision for my life that makes sense to me. A vision that I can support and truly strive toward with my whole self. Now, it's no perfect vision and it certainly has gaps, but I'm finally aware of a sense of worth that my old career could have never provided.
And then there's my relationship. Ah, he is so wonderful. He's good looking and sexy and smart and driven and good with money and clean cut, etc., etc., etc. We've been together over a year now and since we're old enough and supposedly wise enough, we've been seriously talking about getting engaged. It's another big change because a year ago I would never have pictured myself getting engaged or even being ready to talk about being engaged. And then I met him and everything changed. He's unlike any other man I've ever been with and he stabilizes me. He provides that clear head when my passions run high.
With that said... We've been doing long distance for 4 and a half months now and we have 5 and a half months of long distance to go. It's been very hard to remain connected, emotionally, over such a distance. It's harder too because my work is very consuming and it makes it difficult to always talk on the phone. It makes it even more difficult to visit each other. For example, we've seen each other 2x in the past 4 and a half months... And with all that space has come some doubts for me.
I met someone where I live and while nothing has happened, and I don't intend for anything to happen, he confuses me. He's not better than my boyfriend but there's something about him that peaks my interest. I hate to call it chemistry but that's a good word for it. We work in the same field and have a lot of the same ambitions, so that might be part of his appeal. He is very talkative, which is just like me, whereas my boyfriend is not as much of a "verbalizer" shall we say.
I don't know what I'm doing. I so enjoy spending time with this "other man" but I know it's a terrible risk I'm taking that something might happen. I know I would feel eternally guilty for cheating on my boyfriend and can't bear the thought of it. At the same time, this other guy reminds me of the few things that my boyfriend lacks. Plus the attraction makes me confused. Is it natural to like someone else when you love your partner? Is it the result of the distance? Is it an indicator that something is lacking in my relationship? I just don't know...
I find myself playing with fire and just barely keeping the flames at bay.
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