Risk Taking Behavior

I've thought a lot about the military lately. And the types of people who join it.
I used to have a hard and fast rule of no dating military men (well, when I was single I did) because they are generally untrustworthy in relationships. My logic before was based on the theory that military men are cheaters because they are surrounded by men who encourage or tolerate the behavior.
Disclaimer: I know this is not true for all men. I also have some amazing male friends who are in the military who would never cheat. I've just always assumed they were the very, very rare exception, not the rule.
Also, I always assumed that many military women, especially Navy girls, are promiscuous. I never like to call women "sluts" or "whores" because the same behavior is never painted in the same light when it's men who exercise it. Regardless, I did have a conception of women in the military being women who like to sleep around with the men they serve with (unless they were lesbians, of course).
Back to my theory, I've come to realize in the last year or so, that military men cheat not because they are surrounded by their buddies who tolerate it (well, not solely) but because MOST people who join the military enjoy indulging in risk-taking behaviors. This explains why women in the military have such a bad rep for being slutty and the men have such a bad rep for being cheaters.
I understand that cheating is a choice that no one forces a person to make; however, I think it's interesting as to why certain groups of people are "known" for their extramarital activities. Soldiers, sailors, marines, etc., have always been known or thought of as "womanizers" and why is that? Because the act of being in a military force encourages risk taking. Soldiers who are honored for bravery and courage took risks to earn those accolades. Marines who undertook the greatest invasions accepted overwhelming risks to accomplish the mission. The Navy SEALS who killed Bin Laden took enormous risks that would have reverberated globally if they failed.
It's interesting though, the military strives to embody a set of values that its members do not live up to. The military pushes its men and women to be honest, selfless, and loyal; all traits that do not fall in line with infidelity. Yet, even as men and women in arms move away from using drugs, punish those who engage in reckless violence in combat, work to eradicate sexual harassment and assault, they still cheat regularly. Using drugs is risky. Killing civilians is risky. Harassing a coworker is risky. Yet, these things are falling out of fashion.
But you might say, well, all of those actions are punishable by military and civilian law. True. But military justice makes infidelity (by married service members) a crime too! Why does the military just look the other way? Why do soldiers or sailors who would report drug use not report an unfaithful spouse? Why do the men (and women) who profess their dedication to a higher set of values and preach those values to their subordinates choose to betray the one person they promised to be loyal to? Why does a leader who would die for his or her comrades choose to sleep with someone who is not their spouse?
I certainly don't have an answer, but in the end, I really believe that infidelity in the military is inherently linked to the type of person who is willing and ready to accept the risk of serving in the military...

Playing with fire

It's been an interesting year, to say the least...

I've completely changed my career path, my life's goals, my relationship, my vision for myself. I've followed a very old dream to a very new place and have yet to settle myself into it. I can't explain so much what I'm doing but why I'm doing it. I'm in search of that elusive "better life" or something like it. I'm seeking fulfillment from my career and from my accomplishments that means more to me than working in sales could ever provide. And I'm finally finding it.

Yes. I'm finally on a path that makes sense. One that fits with my talents and one that makes me happy. I love what I do now and I feel like I finally have a vision for my life that makes sense to me. A vision that I can support and truly strive toward with my whole self. Now, it's no perfect vision and it certainly has gaps, but I'm finally aware of a sense of worth that my old career could have never provided.

And then there's my relationship. Ah, he is so wonderful. He's good looking and sexy and smart and driven and good with money and clean cut, etc., etc., etc. We've been together over a year now and since we're old enough and supposedly wise enough, we've been seriously talking about getting engaged. It's another big change because a year ago I would never have pictured myself getting engaged or even being ready to talk about being engaged. And then I met him and everything changed. He's unlike any other man I've ever been with and he stabilizes me. He provides that clear head when my passions run high.

With that said... We've been doing long distance for 4 and a half months now and we have 5 and a half months of long distance to go. It's been very hard to remain connected, emotionally, over such a distance. It's harder too because my work is very consuming and it makes it difficult to always talk on the phone. It makes it even more difficult to visit each other. For example, we've seen each other 2x in the past 4 and a half months... And with all that space has come some doubts for me.

I met someone where I live and while nothing has happened, and I don't intend for anything to happen, he confuses me. He's not better than my boyfriend but there's something about him that peaks my interest. I hate to call it chemistry but that's a good word for it. We work in the same field and have a lot of the same ambitions, so that might be part of his appeal. He is very talkative, which is just like me, whereas my boyfriend is not as much of a "verbalizer" shall we say.

I don't know what I'm doing. I so enjoy spending time with this "other man" but I know it's a terrible risk I'm taking that something might happen. I know I would feel eternally guilty for cheating on my boyfriend and can't bear the thought of it. At the same time, this other guy reminds me of the few things that my boyfriend lacks. Plus the attraction makes me confused. Is it natural to like someone else when you love your partner? Is it the result of the distance? Is it an indicator that something is lacking in my relationship? I just don't know...

I find myself playing with fire and just barely keeping the flames at bay.

Frustration and Irritation

It's so irritating when the person with whom you're in a relationship cannot seem to understand what you do. I have a very specific career right now (yes, I know it's been MONTHS since I last blogged) and I'm not always able to share every single detail with my boyfriend (no, not the one with bad manners, broke up with that one over a year ago and have been dating the current one since May 2009). He needs to just deal with it and realize that we don't need to share every single minute detail to be close.

AGH!

But then again, maybe I'm just irritated because I'm confused. Things are VERY serious with this boyfriend. More serious than I've ever been with anyone else. So serious my mother is basically planning a wedding (despite the fact that I am NOT engaged yet) and my family has talked to me about my relationship a thousand times of late. The thing is, I don't feel ready to be engaged. I'm not certain that this guy is The One. I don't think he's not but I'm so buried in my career at the moment that it's hard for me to make such a major decision. Really. I know it sounds like a cop out but I just can't deal with the concept of being married. I'm just not prepared to be a married lady.

Well, I mean, part of me can definitely see myself being married to this boyfriend. I can see the little kids (ack!) running around a lawn with a boat and an SUV parked next to the urban home; however, I can just as easily see me owning my own fabulous condo and working a crazy international job where I'm hardly ever in the U.S. I just can't make the decision on how I want my life to look, at least not quite yet, not with so much to do for my career, and I feel like I'm getting swept toward making a decision. I'm irritated that I don't know how to cope with this level of seriousness and I'm frustrated that I'm being pushed along almost against my will.

I feel like I don't know how to say that I'm not ready and I'm afraid that things won't go well because I feel pressured to be "ready." I feel like if I'm totally honest about my doubts with my family that they'll simply assume the relationship won't work and then I'll never get their support for it when I am ready. I know that sounds stupid, but they are very black & white about these kind of things and it's extremely difficult to be honest.

So, what is my biggest concern, other than my career? It's his type of intelligence. He is very smart, but in a totally different way than I am and I get irritated sometimes when he doesn't understand things the way that I do. Also, he's not as verbal as I am and so sometimes he doesn't express himself very well. I want other people to think he's smart and to respect him and I'm not totally sure that they do. I know my family has been concerned that he's too "quiet" for me, which isn't true. Yet, I like having a partner of whom other people think highly. Once people get to know him they really like him, but it's that first impression that isn't always strong.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm frustrated that I don't know. I'm irritated that I can't get a handle on it.

I simply don't know.