Here goes... On Halloween, I made friends with this attractive dancer guy who I didn’t see again until I went out dancing last week. My roommate was with me of course, and he invited me to go do karaoke with some other dancers. I brought the roommie along, of course. It was fun and they have a lot in common about music, but he and I were definitely flirting. He ended up hanging out until like 3 am. During the evening, he got my roommate's number because I was driving and he wanted to be able to call if he got separated.
So, then, Saturday night, roommate and I went to a blues party. I drank a fair amount and was rather drunk during the party. I was being my normal self, dancing with lots of people, having a good time, and ended up making out with the guy in a hallway. He was definitely drunk too, and my roommate apparently saw us kissing, which she mentioned to me on the ride home. Now, that’s all fine and fun, but yesterday, the guy (who also spent quite a while talking/dancing with my roommie at the party) asked her to hang out after she got off work, and she agreed.
Now, don’t you think that’s a little weird? I mean, she SEES me making out with him and the next day, goes out with him… She claimed that they were just “hanging out” but come on. A guy calls and asks you to hang out one-on-one if he likes you. Now, I wasn’t totally surprised because I saw the interest when he started talking with her more about music. BUT if the situation had been reversed, Alissa would have been unbelievably pissed off at me. I mean, she would have been SO hurt and mad. Yet, when it’s her getting the attention and her getting the phone call, she’s immediately playing like she’s unaware of what the situation really is about. I told her that I’m not mad, which I’m not, it’s more annoyed than angry.
Part of me feels like this is payback. Freshman year of college, she had a major crush on a mutual friend of ours, which I didn’t really know too much about because she and I weren’t super close friends then. I ended up making out with him a few times at parties at the start of the next year, which apparently really upset her, even though she knew that he didn’t like her back. Then, well, she was involved with this OTHER mutual friend, who she was secretly in love with, but who was not interested in having a relationship with her. A year or so later, he was interested in me and even though I didn’t sleep with him, the roommate knew we had a little dalliance and was hurt by it. So, I feel like maybe the passive-aggressive part of her is secretly or even subconsciously getting payback. And so, in that sense, I don’t fault her because I did fuck up in the past.
And to be honest, it kind of bruises my ego as well, I’ll admit. Your roommate gets called by the guy you made out with?? Really?? Am I that uninteresting?! Here’s the thing, I feel more frustrated with myself for making out with him after I’d been drinking than about the fact that he called her. I feel like sometimes I sell myself short when I act like that. Also, I guess I realize that some guys think that her cute, little, innocent act is more appealing than the more forward, intense (and occasionally drunk) personality that I have, and in cases like this, I feel like I should be more controlled and less drunkenly rambunctious.
So, last night, after they hung out doing whatever, they came back to our apartment to play the Wii. It was already 11 pm so I needed to get sleep. So, I pulled my hair into a cute headband, slipped on PJ shorts that I know look good, and your fav blue sweatshirt with no bra, zipped down a little bit low… And pranced out in the living room to give him a hug (and a chance to check out my ass, which he did) and the pranced off to bed like everything was just fine. It was shallow and terrible, but I guess I was looking for a way to salvage a little bit of my ego...
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Someone wake me up
I feel incredibly lethargic about my life lately.
Wish I knew why, but instead I mope when I’m not at work and don’t focus when I am.
Sad.
And I’m having an affair without the sex. Bad idea all around.
I feel trapped in a waiting game that I never agreed to play.
Wish I knew why, but instead I mope when I’m not at work and don’t focus when I am.
Sad.
And I’m having an affair without the sex. Bad idea all around.
I feel trapped in a waiting game that I never agreed to play.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Letter I Don't Need to Send
Dear [Name Here]:
I feel that you need to know some of the issues that are frustrating and confusing me…
First, the most upsetting is the subtle reminder (from her very existence) that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘worth enough’ to be with you when it came down to it. I mean, it’s hard to see a person you loved more than anyone else who is willing to live with, change for, adapt to, etc., another woman. It’s so confusing because you say that there’s no passion, that your relationship is depressing or boring, but then, you picked that relationship over ours. I knooooow that we fought a lot, and I knoooow that we didn’t have the same outlook on life/relationships, but I wish that I could have felt like you wanted to be with me more than you cared about those things. I know I certainly did, which is why I broke it off – I knew that I would get my heart broken (again) when you decided that you didn’t want to put in any more effort or the relationship would require long-term commitment. It’s just so depressing to see her picture on your iPod, to know that she lives with you, to know that you’re gone traveling with her, and that I can only talk to you when she’s not around.
Second, and similarly, it’s extremely confusing to me when you say that you find me “inspiring” and “exciting” yet none of those things were compelling “enough” in the past to make me worth it. It hurts to think about it because the contrast in the way that I matter to you and you matter to me is clear. Why am I only exciting enough to sneak around to see, but not to try to pursue, to really try to win and keep so that that ‘excitement’ is always in your life? It makes me feel like I’m only a thrill when it’s a secret, and being a secret doesn’t make me feel worthwhile or special. I know that the thrill of the chase is something we both enjoy, but at the same time, we have too much history for me to feel like that is enough. We have too many memories, emotions, etc., for that to represent what we should mean to each other. It makes me feel like the second best choice. Somedays, I want to just bang my head on a desk for hours on end to escape the “why, why, why?!” feeling that this whole thing gives me.
Third, on that note, my emotions are constantly haywire. One minute, I’m all interested and inspired intellectually by our conversations. The next minute, I want to throw caution into the wind and jump you to have crazy, passionate sex. Then, I think that I never want to sleep with you again because it would degrade everything we ever had. Then, I want to be in love with you again and want you to love me, and us to be together, but then I don’t want either of those things. Then, I think that I’m fine with it all and should be calm because there’s nothing wrong with us being ‘just friends’. And then, I realize that we aren’t ‘just friends’ or you wouldn’t keep it secret from your girlfriend and tell me that I’m your inspiration. And the cycle continues.
Fourth, with that all going on in my brain, I start to think that I should just back out because I'm worth more than being your second option, your excitement. That I should distance myself from you and make a fresh start, get a clean slate. That maybe I should really, actually cut ties with you because you are never, ever going to value me in a way that reflects what I am actually worth. I remind myself that I am everything a man could want in a partner and it doesn't matter that it wasn't the right fit between us. Yet, I wish you could see how it is, and there's that little hope that you will, so I don't completely back away. Then, I think the same thing as above, "well, it's fine because we should be able to be just friends." But I worry that I can't be just friends and so, I try to move out of regular conversation, hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then I end up here.
In the end, it comes down to me not wanting to admit that I’m confused because I’m too afraid that you will make me feel rejected again, and me not wanting to admit that I have mixed feelings for fear that you don’t, and me just wanting to know WHY I wasn’t picked and why I can’t get over THAT very thing.
Even as I write this, I think about how I could tell you all of this without feeling like the fool because even as I say all of these confused words, so many scenarios flow through my head...
I want the outcome to be me realizing this isn't worth my pain and walking away before you have the chance to respond
I want the outcome to be you taking me in your arms and kissing every part of my body
I want the outcome to be that I realize before we ever talk that I'm really fine with everything and I'm over thinking it and this message never needs to be shared.
I feel that you need to know some of the issues that are frustrating and confusing me…
First, the most upsetting is the subtle reminder (from her very existence) that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ or ‘worth enough’ to be with you when it came down to it. I mean, it’s hard to see a person you loved more than anyone else who is willing to live with, change for, adapt to, etc., another woman. It’s so confusing because you say that there’s no passion, that your relationship is depressing or boring, but then, you picked that relationship over ours. I knooooow that we fought a lot, and I knoooow that we didn’t have the same outlook on life/relationships, but I wish that I could have felt like you wanted to be with me more than you cared about those things. I know I certainly did, which is why I broke it off – I knew that I would get my heart broken (again) when you decided that you didn’t want to put in any more effort or the relationship would require long-term commitment. It’s just so depressing to see her picture on your iPod, to know that she lives with you, to know that you’re gone traveling with her, and that I can only talk to you when she’s not around.
Second, and similarly, it’s extremely confusing to me when you say that you find me “inspiring” and “exciting” yet none of those things were compelling “enough” in the past to make me worth it. It hurts to think about it because the contrast in the way that I matter to you and you matter to me is clear. Why am I only exciting enough to sneak around to see, but not to try to pursue, to really try to win and keep so that that ‘excitement’ is always in your life? It makes me feel like I’m only a thrill when it’s a secret, and being a secret doesn’t make me feel worthwhile or special. I know that the thrill of the chase is something we both enjoy, but at the same time, we have too much history for me to feel like that is enough. We have too many memories, emotions, etc., for that to represent what we should mean to each other. It makes me feel like the second best choice. Somedays, I want to just bang my head on a desk for hours on end to escape the “why, why, why?!” feeling that this whole thing gives me.
Third, on that note, my emotions are constantly haywire. One minute, I’m all interested and inspired intellectually by our conversations. The next minute, I want to throw caution into the wind and jump you to have crazy, passionate sex. Then, I think that I never want to sleep with you again because it would degrade everything we ever had. Then, I want to be in love with you again and want you to love me, and us to be together, but then I don’t want either of those things. Then, I think that I’m fine with it all and should be calm because there’s nothing wrong with us being ‘just friends’. And then, I realize that we aren’t ‘just friends’ or you wouldn’t keep it secret from your girlfriend and tell me that I’m your inspiration. And the cycle continues.
Fourth, with that all going on in my brain, I start to think that I should just back out because I'm worth more than being your second option, your excitement. That I should distance myself from you and make a fresh start, get a clean slate. That maybe I should really, actually cut ties with you because you are never, ever going to value me in a way that reflects what I am actually worth. I remind myself that I am everything a man could want in a partner and it doesn't matter that it wasn't the right fit between us. Yet, I wish you could see how it is, and there's that little hope that you will, so I don't completely back away. Then, I think the same thing as above, "well, it's fine because we should be able to be just friends." But I worry that I can't be just friends and so, I try to move out of regular conversation, hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then I end up here.
In the end, it comes down to me not wanting to admit that I’m confused because I’m too afraid that you will make me feel rejected again, and me not wanting to admit that I have mixed feelings for fear that you don’t, and me just wanting to know WHY I wasn’t picked and why I can’t get over THAT very thing.
Even as I write this, I think about how I could tell you all of this without feeling like the fool because even as I say all of these confused words, so many scenarios flow through my head...
I want the outcome to be me realizing this isn't worth my pain and walking away before you have the chance to respond
I want the outcome to be you taking me in your arms and kissing every part of my body
I want the outcome to be that I realize before we ever talk that I'm really fine with everything and I'm over thinking it and this message never needs to be shared.
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