Playing with fire

It's been an interesting year, to say the least...

I've completely changed my career path, my life's goals, my relationship, my vision for myself. I've followed a very old dream to a very new place and have yet to settle myself into it. I can't explain so much what I'm doing but why I'm doing it. I'm in search of that elusive "better life" or something like it. I'm seeking fulfillment from my career and from my accomplishments that means more to me than working in sales could ever provide. And I'm finally finding it.

Yes. I'm finally on a path that makes sense. One that fits with my talents and one that makes me happy. I love what I do now and I feel like I finally have a vision for my life that makes sense to me. A vision that I can support and truly strive toward with my whole self. Now, it's no perfect vision and it certainly has gaps, but I'm finally aware of a sense of worth that my old career could have never provided.

And then there's my relationship. Ah, he is so wonderful. He's good looking and sexy and smart and driven and good with money and clean cut, etc., etc., etc. We've been together over a year now and since we're old enough and supposedly wise enough, we've been seriously talking about getting engaged. It's another big change because a year ago I would never have pictured myself getting engaged or even being ready to talk about being engaged. And then I met him and everything changed. He's unlike any other man I've ever been with and he stabilizes me. He provides that clear head when my passions run high.

With that said... We've been doing long distance for 4 and a half months now and we have 5 and a half months of long distance to go. It's been very hard to remain connected, emotionally, over such a distance. It's harder too because my work is very consuming and it makes it difficult to always talk on the phone. It makes it even more difficult to visit each other. For example, we've seen each other 2x in the past 4 and a half months... And with all that space has come some doubts for me.

I met someone where I live and while nothing has happened, and I don't intend for anything to happen, he confuses me. He's not better than my boyfriend but there's something about him that peaks my interest. I hate to call it chemistry but that's a good word for it. We work in the same field and have a lot of the same ambitions, so that might be part of his appeal. He is very talkative, which is just like me, whereas my boyfriend is not as much of a "verbalizer" shall we say.

I don't know what I'm doing. I so enjoy spending time with this "other man" but I know it's a terrible risk I'm taking that something might happen. I know I would feel eternally guilty for cheating on my boyfriend and can't bear the thought of it. At the same time, this other guy reminds me of the few things that my boyfriend lacks. Plus the attraction makes me confused. Is it natural to like someone else when you love your partner? Is it the result of the distance? Is it an indicator that something is lacking in my relationship? I just don't know...

I find myself playing with fire and just barely keeping the flames at bay.

Frustration and Irritation

It's so irritating when the person with whom you're in a relationship cannot seem to understand what you do. I have a very specific career right now (yes, I know it's been MONTHS since I last blogged) and I'm not always able to share every single detail with my boyfriend (no, not the one with bad manners, broke up with that one over a year ago and have been dating the current one since May 2009). He needs to just deal with it and realize that we don't need to share every single minute detail to be close.

AGH!

But then again, maybe I'm just irritated because I'm confused. Things are VERY serious with this boyfriend. More serious than I've ever been with anyone else. So serious my mother is basically planning a wedding (despite the fact that I am NOT engaged yet) and my family has talked to me about my relationship a thousand times of late. The thing is, I don't feel ready to be engaged. I'm not certain that this guy is The One. I don't think he's not but I'm so buried in my career at the moment that it's hard for me to make such a major decision. Really. I know it sounds like a cop out but I just can't deal with the concept of being married. I'm just not prepared to be a married lady.

Well, I mean, part of me can definitely see myself being married to this boyfriend. I can see the little kids (ack!) running around a lawn with a boat and an SUV parked next to the urban home; however, I can just as easily see me owning my own fabulous condo and working a crazy international job where I'm hardly ever in the U.S. I just can't make the decision on how I want my life to look, at least not quite yet, not with so much to do for my career, and I feel like I'm getting swept toward making a decision. I'm irritated that I don't know how to cope with this level of seriousness and I'm frustrated that I'm being pushed along almost against my will.

I feel like I don't know how to say that I'm not ready and I'm afraid that things won't go well because I feel pressured to be "ready." I feel like if I'm totally honest about my doubts with my family that they'll simply assume the relationship won't work and then I'll never get their support for it when I am ready. I know that sounds stupid, but they are very black & white about these kind of things and it's extremely difficult to be honest.

So, what is my biggest concern, other than my career? It's his type of intelligence. He is very smart, but in a totally different way than I am and I get irritated sometimes when he doesn't understand things the way that I do. Also, he's not as verbal as I am and so sometimes he doesn't express himself very well. I want other people to think he's smart and to respect him and I'm not totally sure that they do. I know my family has been concerned that he's too "quiet" for me, which isn't true. Yet, I like having a partner of whom other people think highly. Once people get to know him they really like him, but it's that first impression that isn't always strong.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I'm frustrated that I don't know. I'm irritated that I can't get a handle on it.

I simply don't know.

Why I don't wear diamonds

There is something about watching a film that highlights the suffering of others. Something that pulls on my heart and makes me wonder - what in fuck am I doing with my life? Something almost visceral in the images as they flash forth and burn themselves into my gray matter and make me realize how hard it is to truly be involved in alleviating the world's suffering. Something that seems so tangible in the moment and yet so fleeting in the large scope.

Maybe that's why I've never done anything in my life except not wear diamonds.

There are many things about which I care, sometimes even enough to argue over, but not as many things about which I make a firm stance as diamonds. You can only avoid so many human tragedies in an American life - child labor that makes your clothes cheap, forced labor that brings the raw materials for your computer, destruction of the rain forests that gives you a caffeine buzz at your local cafe, and so many more. Regardless, I've decided not to be involved in the purchase of diamonds. Yes, I realize that there are plenty of diamonds that are not conflict stones, plenty that supply decent, hard-working Canadians mine and sell, but the point is that every woman or man who decides to purchase a diamond perpetuates the industry. Every. Single. One. When that girl shows off her diamond engagement ring to her girlfriends, she is showing them something they think they want. Because they want it, their boyfriends will buy them and present them in a romantic setting as if that shiny rock bodes well for their future together.

And somewhere between the earth and their sparkly future together, some of those stones financed child soldiers and mercenaries and death. And despite all my failings as an American consumer, I have chosen not to participate in that cycle. There is a part of me that is simply unwilling to put such a morbid symbol on my hand to signify a lifetime of partnership and love. And that's simply why, of all things, I don't wear diamonds.