So, it's been a while since I've written here, and I feel that I need to just vent some things, get them off my chest, so-to-speak.
First, I know I shouldn’t get the “everyone around me” is doing better than I am feeling, but it’s just so weird to see so many people I went to high school with (who all went to fancy, private universities, which always makes me feel a little badly) running off and getting married and engaged or whatever. I don't want to be married, but it makes me feel like maybe I'm missing a gene or something. Am I so pathetic that I can't find someone who wants to be with me.
I think that with the current boyfriend, at this point, I don’t want to hurt him more than I want to get out. Yes, we got back together, and now I'm not sure why. I see him maybe 2x per week and there’s really no one else who has sparked my interest, so I figure it’ll hurt him less for now. I know that's a terrible way to look at it. He IS fun one-on-one and I do enjoy our time together.
I don’t know WHAT the computer guy is doing still here, but I’m just not going to spend time with him again unless it’s getting coffee to say a last “good-bye” before he moves away. I feel a little ugh about sleeping with him anyway. The ex-boyfriend artist is certainly in the past, but it just reminds me how I wasn’t good “enough” to be worth his long-term time. I know that people don’t change for you, generally, but sometimes I wish someone would.
Then, I've been feeling oddly jealous of my roommate - a woman I've never felt even remotely jealous of in the past. Our neighbor is clearly into her and is flirting with her all over the place. I guess, it's weird for me because normally I’m fairly appalled by her choice in men, and just get annoyed when she’s all over them because they give her the littlest attention in return. I’m just not used to her going for guys that I actually think are decent, DATEBALE men (she’s gone for guys I thought were attractive before, but not actually date-worthy). Her innocent, never take it anywhere, ever does bug me, but maybe I should set the same standard for myself.
Part of my slump comes from hanging out with my neighbors, aside from the flirting with my roommate, because they actually have skills. One is an amazing musician, and the other is a really skilled handyman, and those are just their hobbies! I feel like I don’t have any one thing that I’m really good at and I don’t feel like my skill set is all that special anyway. I’m a decent, but not record-setting salesperson, I was a strong, but not exception student, I’m cute, but not beautiful, I’m intelligent, but not brilliant, I’m motivated, but not truly driven, etc. I know that I can change things about my life and work harder, but sometimes I realize that it’s just not “in me” and I feel that I can’t really get any more out of life because I have nothing “great” to put into living. I know that sounds all dire and pessimistic, but I’m just noting that some people have talents that sometimes I wish I possessed. You know, maybe part of it is that I feel like I never REALLY get the things that I want the most in life.
On a little different note, I think our culture certainly influences us to feel the need to be sexual beings more than we should be. It’s weird because most Europeans seem to be sexy looking, but without the feeling that they need to act on it. I feel like I have been too lax about sex and I need to get a grip on that aspect of my personality. I do enjoy sex, but I think that I have “slept around” (outside my 4 actual relationships) more than other girls is because I also do enjoy feeling sexy and wanted in that way. It probably stems from when I had bad body image back when I was 14 or so, and not realizing that men found me attractive, really, until college. Then maybe the last couple years I just went a little overboard because I realized that I could work my ‘feminine wiles’ and took them too far.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Missing my "Bubble"
So, I was thinking about a couple of projects that might be highly amusing...
1.) "Lemmings" photograph people navigating obviously superfluous traffic cones arranged on back roads...
2.) "Reuse & Recycle" photograph yuppies with cars full of bottled water "recycling" their cardboard by handing it out to bums to use for signs and place captions about the waste that bottled water creates...
I think that with the caving in of our banking system, I need an artistic outlet to keep myself from going crazy with frustration at our entire nation. Sigh. When did I get to be old enough to understand the economy?
I wish that I was young and foolish again. In my happy college bubble I was blissfully unaware of the economic underpinnings of our housing bubble. In fact, I was completely clueless as to any part of our economic system, really. It's bad, I know, but part of me wishes I could run back to school to hide from the reality of a horrible economic situation, but alas, I cannot. I've taken on the burden of adulthood, and now have to live with myself.
Once the fruit has been tasted, the knowledge cannot be unlearned.
1.) "Lemmings" photograph people navigating obviously superfluous traffic cones arranged on back roads...
2.) "Reuse & Recycle" photograph yuppies with cars full of bottled water "recycling" their cardboard by handing it out to bums to use for signs and place captions about the waste that bottled water creates...
I think that with the caving in of our banking system, I need an artistic outlet to keep myself from going crazy with frustration at our entire nation. Sigh. When did I get to be old enough to understand the economy?
I wish that I was young and foolish again. In my happy college bubble I was blissfully unaware of the economic underpinnings of our housing bubble. In fact, I was completely clueless as to any part of our economic system, really. It's bad, I know, but part of me wishes I could run back to school to hide from the reality of a horrible economic situation, but alas, I cannot. I've taken on the burden of adulthood, and now have to live with myself.
Once the fruit has been tasted, the knowledge cannot be unlearned.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
China versus the United States
Here is my (likely to be unpopular) opinion on this country’s liberal media’s inexplicable favorable comparison of China versus the United States: it makes no sense. Period.
I read the left-wing bastion of the US press, the New York Times, on a daily basis. I enjoy the intelligent, if incredibly biased, liberal opinion writers and their columns. In my reading recently, I’ve noticed a bizarre trend. The liberal media has taken to berating the supposed failings of the United States via their comparisons to Beijing and the Olympics.
My first area of annoyance is infrastructure. Again, and again, I’ve been hearing the comparison of Beijing’s airport to LaGuardia in New York. I will agree that the latter is a complete mess and a terrible, terrible place to be stuck for any amount of time; however, I think it’s expected that Beijing’s airport would look amazing for the Olympic Games. I mean, come on, of COURSE it did. It was hosting the Olympics. Salt Lake City’s airport looked amazing after the Winter Games. I know. I spent time there one month after the 2002 Olympics.
Furthermore and far more importantly, these same critics, have talked about the transportation in Beijing and the technological advances in the city, and then they complain that our top metropolitans can’t compete with Beijing. Now – I just want to point out that these exact same people would GO INTO RIOTING if the US government displaced anyone and everyone (like they did in Beijing leading up the games) that it felt made the cities look dirty. These people would be in fits of rage if the US government left vast areas unfunded to pump money in LA, NYC, and DC. There would be chaos in the streets. Can you imagine what people would do if the gap between OUR rich and poor was anything like the CHASM between the rural peasants (yes, actual peasants) and urban dwellers in China? The left is already up in arms about our own poor, but can you picture the uproar if the US still had PEASANTS? And yet, when China acts in these ways, we ooh-and-ahh about the pretty city, and complain that what we have is awful…
To add to this, look at the quality of Chinese goods. People's pets have been dying from bad pet food. Children's toys are being recalled because of lead. Why are we so impressed by an infrastructure that has not supported safe manufacturing practices? The poor quality doesn't even touch on the issue of child labor and fair labor practices. Did the media forget that just months ago it was crucifying the Chinese for its poorly made products?
My second area of annoyance is society. We smiled and sighed as we watched the opening ceremonies. We were amazed to see how thousands and thousands of people worked together on lavish dances and performances. We all loved the little girl in the red dress. Then we found out that she was swapped out because she was more “cute” than the actual singer (a 7-year old, I should mention) who was deemed not “cute enough.” And then we winced when we found out that the fireworks were fake. Yes fake.
Then, I thought to myself, why are we so enthralled with a society where people come together for the Games, but also EXECUTE top government leaders old-school style: on your knees with a gun to the back of the head. Yep, in the blinding light of the Olympic Games, we forgot that this society executed the head of its version of the FDA within the last year. Why are liberals who oppose the death penalty not mentioning this?
Beyond that, why are the liberals who scream about racism in the United States not pointing out that the “multi-cultural” performance at the opening ceremonies was 90% Han Chinese, and did not include an ethnically diverse group of performers? How is it that fake fireworks, dancing, and singing overrode our supposed belief in human rights? It seems that since the Games, we have all but silenced the debate on Tibet. How is it that the liberal media who has taken up the well-deserved cry for the oppressed people of Zimbawe (as has the US government itself) so enamored with a government who said that it’s not the purview of the UN to intervene? The same people in the US who loath Americans for their prejudices are more than willing to embrace the Chinese whose prejudices and human rights suppression is not being checked by their government and/or a free and open media.
To make matters worse, everyone is so impressed by the rise of Chinese athleticism, and I say, “Well, of course they were good! Their government pays to train athletes from birth!” If the American government went from community preschool-to-preschool and took away all the promising divers/gymnasts/runners, etc to train them, we would not only have more medals than China, but there would be more golds. And there would be a deafening outcry. Can you IMAGINE the horror, shock, and revulsion that we would immediately hurl at the US government if they ever tried to separate children from their parents for the good of the nation’s ATHLETIC program?! To me, the sheer concept of Chinese state run sports is horrifying, and I think it’s a shame and practically a crime that these children have no say in their own future. At least our athletes have chosen their sports (crazy-sports parents aside) and were not state selected to be there. Look at poor Guo JingJing. She wanted to quit and the Chinese SHAMED her into competing again. I don’t think I saw her smile once. Then there was Lauren Wilkerson. She was really too old and too broken down to be there but she LOVES her sport and chose to compete. Do we want to be a nation where ‘The Giver’ has been realized…?
In short, I see that the US has many flaws, but I do not want to live in a world controlled by the Chinese. I value human life, individual choice, and capitalism far more than shiny cities whose bright lights dim out poverty-stricken, rural wastelands.
I read the left-wing bastion of the US press, the New York Times, on a daily basis. I enjoy the intelligent, if incredibly biased, liberal opinion writers and their columns. In my reading recently, I’ve noticed a bizarre trend. The liberal media has taken to berating the supposed failings of the United States via their comparisons to Beijing and the Olympics.
My first area of annoyance is infrastructure. Again, and again, I’ve been hearing the comparison of Beijing’s airport to LaGuardia in New York. I will agree that the latter is a complete mess and a terrible, terrible place to be stuck for any amount of time; however, I think it’s expected that Beijing’s airport would look amazing for the Olympic Games. I mean, come on, of COURSE it did. It was hosting the Olympics. Salt Lake City’s airport looked amazing after the Winter Games. I know. I spent time there one month after the 2002 Olympics.
Furthermore and far more importantly, these same critics, have talked about the transportation in Beijing and the technological advances in the city, and then they complain that our top metropolitans can’t compete with Beijing. Now – I just want to point out that these exact same people would GO INTO RIOTING if the US government displaced anyone and everyone (like they did in Beijing leading up the games) that it felt made the cities look dirty. These people would be in fits of rage if the US government left vast areas unfunded to pump money in LA, NYC, and DC. There would be chaos in the streets. Can you imagine what people would do if the gap between OUR rich and poor was anything like the CHASM between the rural peasants (yes, actual peasants) and urban dwellers in China? The left is already up in arms about our own poor, but can you picture the uproar if the US still had PEASANTS? And yet, when China acts in these ways, we ooh-and-ahh about the pretty city, and complain that what we have is awful…
To add to this, look at the quality of Chinese goods. People's pets have been dying from bad pet food. Children's toys are being recalled because of lead. Why are we so impressed by an infrastructure that has not supported safe manufacturing practices? The poor quality doesn't even touch on the issue of child labor and fair labor practices. Did the media forget that just months ago it was crucifying the Chinese for its poorly made products?
My second area of annoyance is society. We smiled and sighed as we watched the opening ceremonies. We were amazed to see how thousands and thousands of people worked together on lavish dances and performances. We all loved the little girl in the red dress. Then we found out that she was swapped out because she was more “cute” than the actual singer (a 7-year old, I should mention) who was deemed not “cute enough.” And then we winced when we found out that the fireworks were fake. Yes fake.
Then, I thought to myself, why are we so enthralled with a society where people come together for the Games, but also EXECUTE top government leaders old-school style: on your knees with a gun to the back of the head. Yep, in the blinding light of the Olympic Games, we forgot that this society executed the head of its version of the FDA within the last year. Why are liberals who oppose the death penalty not mentioning this?
Beyond that, why are the liberals who scream about racism in the United States not pointing out that the “multi-cultural” performance at the opening ceremonies was 90% Han Chinese, and did not include an ethnically diverse group of performers? How is it that fake fireworks, dancing, and singing overrode our supposed belief in human rights? It seems that since the Games, we have all but silenced the debate on Tibet. How is it that the liberal media who has taken up the well-deserved cry for the oppressed people of Zimbawe (as has the US government itself) so enamored with a government who said that it’s not the purview of the UN to intervene? The same people in the US who loath Americans for their prejudices are more than willing to embrace the Chinese whose prejudices and human rights suppression is not being checked by their government and/or a free and open media.
To make matters worse, everyone is so impressed by the rise of Chinese athleticism, and I say, “Well, of course they were good! Their government pays to train athletes from birth!” If the American government went from community preschool-to-preschool and took away all the promising divers/gymnasts/runners, etc to train them, we would not only have more medals than China, but there would be more golds. And there would be a deafening outcry. Can you IMAGINE the horror, shock, and revulsion that we would immediately hurl at the US government if they ever tried to separate children from their parents for the good of the nation’s ATHLETIC program?! To me, the sheer concept of Chinese state run sports is horrifying, and I think it’s a shame and practically a crime that these children have no say in their own future. At least our athletes have chosen their sports (crazy-sports parents aside) and were not state selected to be there. Look at poor Guo JingJing. She wanted to quit and the Chinese SHAMED her into competing again. I don’t think I saw her smile once. Then there was Lauren Wilkerson. She was really too old and too broken down to be there but she LOVES her sport and chose to compete. Do we want to be a nation where ‘The Giver’ has been realized…?
In short, I see that the US has many flaws, but I do not want to live in a world controlled by the Chinese. I value human life, individual choice, and capitalism far more than shiny cities whose bright lights dim out poverty-stricken, rural wastelands.
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