Ever Been Alone?

I realized today, as I lounged in my lukewarm bath, that I have never been alone (as in single, REALLY single) since my first real kiss at the age of 16. SIXTEEN! Now, there have been periods when I wasn't with a "boyfriend," and in the past, I've always considered those times as the moments when I was on my own. Alone. Doing the single thing.

But I thought today, wait, does it count as single if there's always a guy around? I mean, I always had a flirtation, someone who wanted me, or who I wanted, in between the boyfriends. Now, I didn't sleep with all of them, some I did. In the end though, I have never, ever been without.

Now, I realize that some people would like to have this problem, if that's what it is. I know what you must be thinking, how sad, a girl with too many options, gee, tough life. Really, though, what does it say about me? I always love the times when I'm not in a committed relationship just as much as when I'm in one, and when I don't have a boyfriend, I never feel pressure to go out and find one. In reality, I've hurt more guys than have hurt me.

I don't have a Daddy-complex to speak of, my father was always around, supportive and loving, never abusive. I don't have low self-esteem. What is it then? Why the continual dating?

Or perhaps, I just enjoy guys, and have been told by society that "being single" is critical. Maybe society tells me that because of the vestiges of the feminist movement that want women to be independent. After all, I've never been supported by a guy. I've never had a man pay for any of my expenses or buy me things I couldn't afford for myself. I've never moved in with a boyfriend.

... Which is the right "answer"?

Surprising Compliment

Last weekend, I was leaving a bar with my boyfriend and friends, and when I walked outside (separated from the group) a guy looked straight at me and said, "You're hot!" 

Wow, it was weird to be addressed so strongly by a stranger (albeit a drunk one), but flattering, so I said, "Thank you."

He was so excited! He said, "See! [to his friend] That's what I mean! This other girl was a bitch to me and she didn't need to be."

I smiled and continued walking, but it made me think. Why ARE women so quick, generally, to treat men harshly when they compliment us? Have we allowed feminism to make us cold? Are we so afraid of "bad men" that we can't accept a compliment?

I certainly don't have that answer, but from now on, my policy is: thank you.

The New Year

I guess it's that time of year to begin thinking about what I want to change next year. I've never been much for resolutions. Not because I'm against them, I've just never gotten into making them. It seems too often that people make resolutions that they can't keep or give up on very quickly. Perhaps it's because we believe that our resolutions have to be momentous in order for them to "count." I don't know. Major changes happen over time and cannot truly happen over night. It's not like we can wake up a new person on Jan. 1. 

So, my boyfriend is quitting smoking. That's exciting, but it's something that will be a tough process and one that will take him years (?) to completely, totally be rid of it. He's really going to try. He's starting to jog with me and he's loading up on nicotine gum/patches. I hope that he can make it longer than the 30 hours he made it last year. ha.

Me, well, that's a different story. I guess my goal should be to focus at work more (unlike what I'm currently doing). I definitely want to pursue my New Life Plan (henceforth, NLP) by researching and gathering information. Yep, those two things are it. But then, how do I do that most successfully? I have a lot of trouble focusing in the office and it's a little overwhelming thinking about all the work I need to do to get moving on a project like the one I want to begin. So, perhaps, my resolution should actually be to take my goals one day at a time.

Much better, I believe.